It's been a week. I know I keep saying this, but I still can't believe this is real, that this is my life. Thus far I've had OK days and bad days. Today is a bad day. The blog has helped, but reality keeps creeping in. My baby girl is gone.
I made it public on Facebook today. It's something I really struggled with. It's such a private matter, but we'd announced that we were having a baby girl at the beginning of June so I felt like I had to say something. If after a few months I hadn't posted anything about the pregnancy lots of people would assume perhaps something was wrong, but there would be no certainty. I also didn't want to get to September and have someone ask me a question and have to live it fresh all over again. Adam and I talked about it and decided to just go ahead and do it. I'm sure there are lots of people who think I'm crazy for doing so. I'm sure some think I'm crazy for going into such personal matters on a blog. But the more I get it out, the more it becomes a part of my reality and I can start to try and heal. I won't say move on because that sounds harsh. She'll always be a part of us, it just won't be so painful someday. Hitting that "post" button on Facebook sent me into a wave of emotions. It became real again. And while it was painful, it helped to ground me.
As I said in my last post, I didn't really know where to start, so I just started at the beginning. I don't know who all will read this, but I thought it was important to understand where we'd been before all this happened. We've already been through so much in our almost 6 years of marriage. Having a family is something both of us have always wanted and we never thought it would be so difficult. I know that this would be devastating for anyone, but I wanted readers to understand why I feel the way I do. I haven't lost all hope. I'm not willing to give up on our dream of a family. I just never thought it would be so hard.
Thank you again to all of our family and friends for their support, love, kind words, thoughts, prayers, cards, baked goods, flowers, visits and so much more. I'll never be able to thank you enough.
Thank you for sharing this with us. Love and peace to you both.
ReplyDeleteSending prayers to you and your family. Peace be with you all.
ReplyDeleteI really feel for you and think you're so brave sharing this. I understand the need to share to make it seem more real and at the same time not wanting to go on facebook as it can seem so impersonal somehow. For what its worth I think you've done the right thing, you don't want to be bumping into people for months and them asking about your pregnancy, it would make it even harder to have to keep explaining it to random people. I watched my sister go through losing Aaron, after numerous miscarriages, and three of my closest friends have all had miscarriages/fertility treatments/ complicated pregnancies/premature babies. It's heartbreaking and always seems to happen to the people who truly deserve a happy healthy baby and a happy life. I really hope you guys catch a break soon, you've been through a lot. So glad you both got to feel her kick and can take some comfort from that, and that you haven't lost hope. You'll always be her mum, things won't ever be normal in the same way again but she'll always be with you. I'm not religious so I can't send prayers, just hugs and all wishes that you get through this difficult times xoxo Steph H
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