July 1-2

These days were particularly rememberable because my milk had come in and I was engorged. Over the weekend I had felt them filling up, but it was these two days that were the worst. I was wearing a sports bra or the bra the hospital had given me all the time and I was careful in the shower (the new shower head with the hose came in handy to direct the spray). I knew these things wouldn't prevent my milk coming in, but the point was to keep from leaking and making more.

It's a weird feeling, being engorged. Gradually my breasts had gotten heavier and more firm. By Monday night it felt like I had two large boulders hanging from my chest. I'm larger chested to begin with, but this was ridiculous. They were sore (I could feel huge lumps of milk in them), my back hurt and the sports bra was so tight it hurt and left indentations in my skin. They had told me if it got really bad to pump for a minute or two to relieve the pressure. However, this could lead to more production and I just wanted it to be over. It was a constant reminder I couldn't escape from. I had a little leaking (my mom helped me make some guards for my bra out of a panty liner because we didn't have any breast pads and I wasn't going out to buy a whole pack for just a day or so) but not very much. Tuesday they were still engorged but started going down.

While I felt a bit like my body was betraying me (didn't it know my baby had been born too soon to survive and wasn't here to nurse?), it was a bit of a relief to be engorged with milk. I was so mad at my body for failing to do it's job keeping our daughter in, it was good to know at least one part of my body worked the way it was supposed to. It sucked at this moment, but now I knew I wouldn't have to worry about producing milk in the future (hopefully, knock on wood).

I don't remember much else about Monday aside from my mom arriving and my friend and her son leaving.  Adam went back to work that night and he said it was a good decision. I was glad. I'm sure my mom and I talked. At one point we watched Harry Potter. It was an OK day aside from being so sore and my back hurting. Tuesday was much the same. We had family coming the next day, so I had that to look forward to. Most of those two days revolved around my milk coming in full force and me just pushing through knowing once I got through the peak it would start to be reabsorbed and this part would be over. I could at least put that reminder behind me.