I was still in shock. I was still sad and cried at the drop of a hat, but I was in a daze. I woke up in the morning having to remember that I wasn't pregnant anymore, that our daughter had died. I knew one day it would become a part of my reality, but not yet. I'm sure part of it was that I just didn't want to believe it and when I was asleep I didn't have to.
While I slept in this morning, I wasn't well rested. I usually move a lot during the night, but not last night. I think my body just went into some sort of hibernation mode or forced rest. Goodness knows I needed it. After almost 2 weeks in the hospital and everything that had happened, I hadn't gotten near enough sleep for that amount of time.
At some point I got up. I'm not sure when. I talked with Mom while she made a meatloaf I could put in the oven later that day. We spent a lot of time at the table talking and crying. Today I was still sad, but I was also mad. Why had this happened to us? Why did my cervix fail? Why did our daughter have to pay the price for my body's failure? Why is there no warning that this will be an issue and you only know once something like this happens? Why is having children so hard for us? Why is it that people who are awful parents can have children with no problems but we can't? Haven't we been through enough already?
Adam's mom and sister came back that afternoon. It was nice to see them again and be in our house instead of the hospital. Mom left in the afternoon and said she'd be back on Monday because I'd asked her to come back then. One of my friends and her toddler came to visit that day too. They were going to spend the weekend with us. She asked me if I wanted her to come alone and I appreciated her asking (especially because it would mean leaving her son several hours away and she's never been away from him for a night). I told her to bring him. I still loved him. I was still his "Aunt" Amanda. It wasn't his fault I didn't have my baby anymore. Plus I thought it would be good for me to see a happy, healthy baby (scratch that . . . toddler . . . he's so big now!), to know it was possible. Plus his laugh will brighten anyone's mood.
They got here late that afternoon and we all visited for a while before dinner. It was nice to sit around the table and eat with family and friends. It made life seem a little normal for that part of time. After dinner another of my friends dropped by to visit. It was nice to be surrounded by so many people who love us. We had fun playing with my "nephew" and watching him with our dogs. Adam's mom and sister left and said they'd be back any time we wanted them.
It was a nice evening of visiting. My friends let me talk about things when I wanted to, but also steered the conversation in other directions so I could focus on other things. They also did all the talking when they knew I just needed to listen for a bit. I'm lucky to have such amazing friends. I'd had a lot of good distractions and I was truly thankful. If these people who love me hadn't been there to give me something else to think about and focus on I know I would have retreated into myself and lived in my haze of despair all day every day. They helped me remember I was still alive and needed to function.
Later that evening Adam and I had some alone time and watched a movie. We were trying to have a semblance of normal. It worked on and off. Since we were alone we were also able to talk and share what we were feeling and how we were coping. We were honest with each other, even when it was hard. That's another thing I'm thankful for. I don't think we'd be able to make it through this if we weren't talking honestly.
I went to bed that night a mix of emotions, as usual. I tried to focus on the good parts of the day, his mom and sister visiting, my friends and nephew visiting, making it through another day. For the most part I was able to, but then I would think about her face, or her tiny hands, or her tiny feet and it was over. I knew this was only the second day after loosing her so it was normal for me to be all over the place, but I felt bit like a crazy person. I had to remember tomorrow was another day. There would be good, there would be bad, there might even be times where I didn't feel anything. The goal was to try and focus on the positive and good in my life even when it was the hardest thing to do.
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