Pictures

Sorry for my absence for the past few days. I was out of town visiting with a few of my friends. Three of my friends (and sorority sisters) from college and I all get together 4 times a year, rotating houses. It's always so nice to see them and we catch up while crafting or baking or just relaxing. We were supposed to have one of our gatherings at the end of June. After I went into the hospital we talked about postponing. Then when I was going home on bed rest we were going to still get together, just switch the location to Lexington and they would stay in a hotel and come over for visits (so I wouldn't get too worn out). When Madeline was born on the 26th we decided to postpone until I was ready, hopefully sometime in July. Our June weekend had been scheduled to start that Friday, the 28th and it was too soon for me. Plus I wanted to enjoy our time together and be able to talk about other things. So after some messages and schedule moving we were able to get together this past weekend. It was lovely and so needed. Another little bit of normal.

All of this plays into the title I promise. A couple weeks ago the perinatal grief counselor from the hospital called to follow up and check on us. It was nice. Once she called I had remembered the hospital saying this would happen, I had just forgotten. She asked about how we were doing emotionally and if we needed anything. We had gotten pictures the nurse had printed out, but I remembered her taking more than what we had. I don't remember what they could have been like or specifics, but I knew there were more. I asked and she said she could burn a CD of all the pictures and mail it to me. Looking at the pictures we have really has been a comfort to me and I wanted to see them all.

I realize that to some, looking at pictures of your baby that passed away can seem a bit weird and morbid. In all honesty before this happened I felt a little like that too. It's difficult to understand until you've been through it. My mom had a friend who lost a baby not long after I was born. Her friend took pictures and showed them to people. Mom said that until now she had never really gotten it. Now she does. It was something Adam and I weren't sure we wanted (as I talked about in an earlier post), but you can't go back. We thought it would be better to have them and never look at them than to not have any (because none were taken) and want them. I know we made the right decision because they have been a comfort to me.

I'm not going to pull out an album of these pictures and show them to people when they come to my house. However, if someone wants to see them I'll share them. Again, I know it's not for everyone and I don't expect a lot of people to take me up on it, but I know it's helped me. My mom has seen them. We looked through the printed ones together. I haven't said anything to Adam's parents at this point because I really wasn't ready yet, but I will now, especially because now I have them all.

This relates to my first paragraph because one of my friends (in our group of four) had asked to see the pictures when I was ready. We met at her house and I stayed an extra day so we could hang out and also because I came up a day later (we normally start on Friday night, but that was the 26th and I wanted to be with Adam since it was one month). I brought the CD with me. I didn't say anything when the four of us were together because I didn't want to put the others on the spot. I didn't want them to feel like they had to look at the pictures if they weren't comfortable (again, I remember being uncomfortable with the idea until it happened to me). So after our other friends left, we sat down and looked at them. It was hard, but also comforting. It was nice to share Madeline with her and hear her compliments as well as her sadness that she didn't get to meet her. It also actually gave me some joy. While looking at two pictures if Madeline's face I noticed in one I think she looks a lot like me, but in the other she is all Adam. It was nice to share that with someone. In the new pictures I was also able to see her head without the bonnet. We saw her briefly without anything on her head, but not for long. It was nice to really be able to see her head and ears. I was also able to see (and remember) that she had Adam's ears. His lobes are attached and mine aren't. Madeline's were attached. Every time I look at the pictures I see new things to love about her and ways she was so much like each of us.

Again, I know it's not for everyone and I totally understand. I promise I won't be hurt if no one else wants to see her pictures, but I do want to say if anyone ever does, just ask. It's bittersweet, but she really was beautiful and so much a part of Adam and I, and I like sharing that. It really has helped me to have some happy memories amidst all the sadness and, especially for those closest to us, it may help too. I'm not going to offer (or post them on the blog) but if you ask I'll show them to you. I like sharing her with others and this is the only way I can. I miss her, but looking at the pictures reminds me how lucky we were to get that time with her. I'm so glad I have documentation of our time as a family.