Today has been a bad day. I don't really know why. There is so specific reason it should be bad. It's not an anniversary. There was nothing specific that set me down this path today. I just woke up sad. Adam's family was here and it was wonderful to spend time with them, I'm just in a funk that nothing can help today. I'd had a couple good days, but now a not so great one and a bad one. I know this is normal, that the grief can come in waves or out of nowhere, but it still sucks. This wasn't how my life was supposed to be.
Since I was already sad I decided to put away the cards we've gotten thus far after Adam's family left. The hospital gave us a keepsake box with some things in it, including the blanket she was wrapped in. I thought this would be a good place to keep everything. So I pulled it down from the shelf in the closet. I opened it and that was it. I cried louder and harder than I have since the day she was born. I think part of it is that we've had someone with us since that day and that moment was the first time we'd really, truly been alone. I still cried while we had others here, but I tried to hold it together more. I know that our family and friends wouldn't have minded me sobbing in front of them, it's just hard for me. Alone I'm able to let it out more. Also, tomorrow is the first night I'm going to be alone while Adam's at work. I think part of me wanted to get some of this out while he's still here. I need to be alone, or at least try it. It's a step towards getting back to what our life is supposed to be like. I love having our family and friends around, but in real life they won't always be here and I need to get used to that again. Life won't ever be what it used to be, but we'll find our new normal.
Sorry for the downer post, I just needed to let it out.
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