Day one of what our new life and new normal was going to be. When I woke up I was still clinging to to hope that it had all been a bad dream. It was too awful to have been real. But as I took in my surroundings (a different room) and could not feel our daughter moving inside of me, it all sunk in again. The events of yesterday flooded in and I cried. This was my new reality. My baby had died. It was just Adam and me again. We had thought it would never be just us again. I laid there trying to figure out what was next. How were we supposed to go on with our lives?
A tech came in to check all my vitals before too long. She was nice, but kept asking me questions and I really wasn't in the mood to talk (especially to a stranger). I know she meant well, but I couldn't handle it. I gave one word answers or nodded my head. Breakfast came. I ate some of it. Time clicked by.
At this point I was done with the hospital. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be away from this place where my daughter had died and I had experienced the worst day of my life. The high risk doctor came in at some point after 10 am. He asked how my bleeding and cramping were. I described both and it all seemed to be normal. I was taking Motrin for the cramping and thus far that had been enough. I think I was in so much pain emotionally at this point that my physical pain paled in comparison. He said they would draw my blood again and see what my liver enzymes were doing. If they were at least going down I would be able to go home. He said that delivery may have tipped the scales, so he was hopeful. I asked him about binding for my breasts (no one had brought anything yesterday after my OBGYN had left and I'd been too exhausted to ask). He said he'd write another order and make sure they got it. He also told me that when I got home I needed to wear a sports bra 24/7 and avoid hot, running water on my nipples in the shower. Any stimulation could cause my breasts to make more milk and could also cause leaking which would have the same effect. Just another reminder that I'd had a baby, but didn't have her anymore.
The day is kind of a blur. I was still in a daze and exhausted. It felt like the longest day I'd been in the hospital yet. At some point someone came in to draw blood (what's another stick?). They also brought in a bra that was similar to a sports bra. I remember the tech asking if a medium would work . . . bless her. No, I would be needing the XL. In the afternoon my regular OBGYN came in to talk with us. We had a long talk with her and she was very comforting. The first thing she asked was how we were both grieving (I appreciated that she included Adam). I said I thought it was pretty normal thus far. I wasn't sure what to say. I felt like a crazy person because I cried all the time (I wondered how I still had tears at this point), sometimes for no reason. I felt so guilty because it was my body that failed to do it's job (OK, not my whole body, my cervix to be specific). I felt angry that this was happening. Why us? I didn't want to interact with the world because that meant this was all real. I was dreading telling people. What is a good way to tell someone who thought you were pregnant, due late October, that you'd had your baby early and she died? I was heartbroken because I'd wanted this baby girl so much and I'd only gotten her for the briefest amount of time. Needless to say I was all over the place . . . which I guess is normal, so that's what I said.
She did the regular checks to see how my belly tenderness was and bleeding and so forth and then she sat down so we could talk about the future. She asked if we were ready for that yet, and we said yes because I wanted to know what the plan was. I needed to have something in the future to focus on. She said the first thing would be to look at the genetic testing. It would be several weeks before we would get that back though. If there were any abnormalities Adam and I would get tested and see if either of us have an abnormality in our chromosomes that we'll always pass on. She said what they were looking for was too much of a chromosome, not enough or extra chromosomes. The karyotype wouldn't show small abnormalities, but they weren't really concerned about that. She also told us it was pretty unlikely that was the problem. Usually there will be a history of lots of miscarriages in several women on one or both sides. We don't have that, so here's hoping. She said the next step would be to do a test on my uterus. It could be that mine is abnormally shaped and can't stretch enough to carry a baby to term. Or there could be a wall that won't let it get as big as it is supposed to. To check this I would come into her office and she would inject fluid into my uterus and then look at it on ultrasound. She didn't really go into what kind of treatments might be available if I do have an abnormal uterus. We'll cross that bridge if we come to it (and to be honest I'm too afraid to look it up on the internet because I'll just freak myself out . . . I have enough to worry about right now, I don't need to add that to the list when it may not be an issue). If both of those come back normal, then we'll know that my main problem is that I have an incompetent cervix (aside from the PCOS). And that's enough. She said that unfortunately there is really no way to tell until something like this happens. For a future pregnancy I would have a cerclage at the end of the first trimester. They would monitor the baby and make sure it was healthy and I was doing well and if so at week 12 or 13 I would have the surgery. At least I know what to expect. A cerclage at this point would have a much higher success rate because there would be a lot more tissue to work with and the cervix would be completely closed and rigid. The hope is that if my cervix tried to open too soon again, the cerclage would already be there to stop it. It was a lot to take in, but I'm glad we talked about it. I had an appointment with her Friday of the following week already, so she said to just keep it. We'd talk some more and see how I was doing physically and emotionally. She also went over the breast care instructions that the high risk doctor had talked to me about.
Then we came to my liver enzymes. Finally some good news, they were going down. They weren't normal yet, but decreasing. That meant I could go home today. It was a relief to hear. I didn't so much care about the liver enzymes, I just wanted to be out of the hospital and in my own house again. She said she'd get things rolling to discharge me. Of course, that process took forever (or so it seemed). My nurse came in to give me an MMR shot. I'd already had it several times, but I wasn't showing an immunity to one of them (later I found out it's Rubella) so one of my doctors had ordered it. I later found out from Dr. Case that the reason I got it was because Rubella can cause a lot of birth defects, so they like to do all they can to help ensure women are immune. However, if you've had the shot 3 times and are still not immune, you never will be. My mom later told me I'd already had it 3 times, so now I've had it 4. Guess I'm just one of those lucky people who's not immune (fortunately it's not really a problem here in the USA, it's only a concern if I want to travel somewhere that it's still prevalent). We waited some more. And waited some more. Finally at around 3:30 pm my nurse took my IV out and went over my discharge paperwork. I was so glad to be leaving.
I was wheeled down to the entrance and Adam got the car. We were both hungry and tired so we stopped to get something on the way home. Mom and Dad were there when we got home and we talked with them for a while. Adam was going to take the rest of the week off, at least, and it was nice to come home knowing that. Dad stayed for a bit after we got there, but then he headed home. Mom was going to stay until tomorrow then leave for the weekend while one of my friends came down to be with me. Adam's Mom and sister were going to come back tomorrow for the day to visit as well. I wasn't ready to be alone, but a lot of people at this point was a bit overwhelming.
I honestly don't remember a lot of the details of the rest of the evening. I'm sure I took a shower at some point. I went through my closet and drawers to catch a few maternity clothes that had been missed. I went through the house to make sure all the baby things were put up in the closet. Mom had gotten most of it, but there were a few things left. Our daughter's ultrasound picture as well as a few congrats cards were still on the fridge. The book and folder of info from my doctor's office about pregnancy were still in the dining room. I put it all in the closet. I know I cried on and off. We probably hung out in the basement and watched some TV or Netflix. It's all kind of a blur. I was just glad to be home.
I went to sleep at some point and was glad to be in my own bed. There were fresh sheets and our room was clean. I still didn't quite believe any of this was real, but it was sinking in more and more now that we were home. I still didn't quite know how to function when I woke up the next morning, but I figured as long as I got out of bed that was a good first step and I would figure it out along the way. I was so exhausted that I woke up the next morning in the exact same position I'd fallen asleep in. I hadn't moved at all.
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