Reminders

I can go through my day feeling relatively normal and then out of nowhere I get sucker punched.  I never forget that I've lost my daughter.  I think about it often, but there are some things that bring it rushing to the forefront of my mind and punch my heart.  There have been several throughout the past 3 weeks, but yesterday there were tons so I thought it was time to write about it.

The first reminder was before she was gone.  At the time it was just a reminder of that first awful night, now it's of everything.  When I came home for less than 24 hours from the hospital I saw them.  The spots on our bedroom carpet where spots of blood had been cleaned up.  I appreciated my mom cleaning them up so I didn't have to deal with it.  Unfortunately the rest of our carpet was so dirty that the now very clean spots stand out like neon lights.  Now every time I walk by those spots everything feels fresh again.

I was doing some picking up around the house and came across a stuffed animal that hadn't made it into the closet yet.  I also found a maternity nightgown in the bottom of my drawer.  It was the nightgown I was wearing that first night. I thought I'd gotten everything, but I'd missed it.

The other day our neighbor was walking to the mailbox at the same time I was.  She smiled and said, "How's the baby?"  It's not her fault.  We hadn't told them.  I was waiting to see them outside at some point (when they weren't grilling, having people over or just enjoying each other's company . . . I didn't want to ruin their good time).  It's not something you knock on the door and tell someone.  In a way it was a good thing because she gave me a way to tell her without bringing it up myself.  It still stung.  I also felt bad that she felt bad.

I went to pick up my metformin prescription at the pharmacy.  I got up there and when the technician told me the total I was surprised because it was over twice what I usually pay.  I asked about it and he handed me the prescription to look at.  It was for the procardia I would have been taking at home on bed rest.  They had accidentally filled the wrong prescription.  I told him I didn't need that one anymore.  It was set to be refilled one more time and I told him to delete it, I wouldn't be needing it anymore.

I was in Hobby Lobby at the checkout.  I glanced at the woman at the next checkout and liked her shirt.  As I thought about it more I realized it was because I owned that shirt.  Then my brain clicked and I remembered it was a maternity shirt.

My mom couldn't find a number in her phone to send a text and asked me to look. I pulled it up and saw a text that had never been sent to the person. It was from April and said, "Doing good, getting excited about a new grandchild!" I handed her the phone telling her I'd found the number.

I had deleted the couple of pregnancy apps I had on my phone. I thought it was clear. I was scrolling through my pictures and saw one of her ultrasound from June 4th. I'd forgotten I'd taken it.

There have been others and there will be more, this is just a smattering of the ones that have been particularly difficult.