Today is one month. One month since our daughter was born. One month since she died.
Overall it's actually not been the worst day. I took a friend's advice and woke up this morning expecting it was going to be a horrible, horrible day. That way it could only go up. I think that helped. Adam and I also had a long talk on our walk last night and that helped a lot too. We talked about all of my concerns and feelings about naming our daughter. He talked about his too. It's something we'd both been kind of avoiding and we let all of our feelings out.
That morning in the hospital we were under the impression for a little while that we HAD to pick a name. We were both so all over the map with our emotions that we had misunderstood. However, because of this Adam had picked a name just in case. I didn't know that until last night. It was one from our list of names we had liked thus far. If I was being honest too, I had also come up with one in case we had to put something down (also from the list). I just hadn't been willing to admit it because it meant it was over. She was really gone. This was the end. I think that's why naming her has been so hard for me. I wanted to think that because I don't have to relive losing her fresh every morning that I'd moved through acceptance. Not really. I'd just been fooling myself into thinking that. Naming her is truly the step that can move me through acceptance. I think part of me felt like as long as we didn't name her we really couldn't order her grave marker and thus it couldn't truly be real. I also had been avoiding it because I was mad. Naming your child is supposed to be something happy, not heartbreaking. Talking about all of this with Adam I felt so much better. I knew now what I wanted and what we both wanted. As much as I would like to still live in my little bit of denial, I know I can't. Naming her makes it truly and undeniably real. We will be ordering her grave marker sometime soon with her name. They're names we had both liked that were "on the list" and when we were finally honest, they were names we could never consider again (I know several of you had asked me about that and I'd said I thought I could . . . I was wrong . . . facing this and being honest I know that the name I had thought of in the hospital I could never consider again . . . Adam feels the same about the one he thought of). It seems fitting that today is the day we decided her name. It's one month and the day she will move to her final resting place. It's a beautiful place and today has been a beautiful day. Mommy and Daddy love you Madeline Claire Browne, always will.
It's real, but I know it's a good thing. While it makes me sad, it also makes me feel better. I can't live in any part of denial anymore and even though that's painful, I know it's best. Finally being honest with myself is a relief.
Calling my parents and Adam's parents to tell them was hard. I had to say her name for the first time to someone besides Adam. They were all supportive and said it was a beautiful name for a beautiful girl. I agree.
Thanks for "listening" to all of this. I'm sure a lot of you (especially our family and close friends who I've been talking to a lot about this) knew that I was using naming her as an excuse to still live in a bit of denial. Thank you for letting me get here when I was ready and for listening to me and supporting me along the way.
Madeline Claire Browne was born a month ago today and while we didn't get long with her, the time we did get I will treasure forever.
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