Today marks the one year anniversary of going to the doctor to find our first baby did not have a heartbeat. I still struggle with terminology. Do I count this as the official miscarriage? Or do I wait until November 14th because that's when I had the D&C? We'll never know exactly when the heartbeat stopped. According to my doctor I was measuring at about 8 weeks 4 days. So that's when the baby stopped growing. But how long had that been before we went to the doctor? My gut tells me it wasn't long before. I had some bleeding the weekend before and my appointment was right after so I hadn't bothered trying to get in sooner. It wouldn't have made a difference. This day seems the most fitting since it's the day we knew.
I'll never forget that appointment. We were nervous but excited. This was something we'd been hoping and trying for and we were finally there. After so long we were there. The ultrasound seemed to be going well at first. The baby wasn't much more than a blob, but there were definitions of tiny arms, legs and head. I still remember being so surprised that I could actually see that definition. We had no idea how far along I was because my periods had been so irregular and it was surprising I'd gotten this far without really knowing. Then the tech tried to find the heartbeat. I knew that's what she was doing even though she didn't tell us. I've been to ultrasounds with others before. There was just an unwavering flat line and no sound. She tried multiple times, but it never changed. I knew. Deep down I knew but I wasn't ready to admit it yet. The tech didn't say much and was nice but didn't print off a picture for us. That was another sign. I knew she wouldn't tell us. That was the doctor's job, but that meant more waiting and that was the worst part. Waiting for conformation of what I guessed.
There are several doctors and midwives in the practice I go to and I didn't have a preference so they made the appointment with whoever had the first available appointment when I had called a couple weeks before. I'm so glad I ended up with the doctor I have now. She was so kind and comforting when she came in to talk to us. It can't be easy to meet someone for the first time and give them news like this. We went over our options and decided to see if nature would just take its course because I really didn't want to have surgery if I didn't have to. Unfortunately that didn't happen, but she was supportive of our decision.
I'm glad she's been with us from the beginning of this journey. It's comforting to know that she's aware of everything that's happened in the past because she was there, not just reading it in a file. She was such a comfort through everything we went through with Madeline and I know she will be in the future as well. In all the uncertainty I'm so glad I have a doctor I trust and feel comfortable with.
The rest of the day was a year ago was a blur really. A miserable blur. We hadn't told anyone yet because we wanted to wait until after that first appointment so we could also give a due date and know things were looking good. It was beyond difficult to tell our families everything all at once, especially my Mom. Everyone was supportive and caring as always. We truly are lucky to have such amazing family and friends.
It's hard to believe that was a year ago. Even though we started the journey to becoming parents before that (we'd been trying for about a year before I got pregnant) it still feels like October 30, 2012 was another beginning on that journey (and ending). It also somehow seems fitting in a way that it's right after Madeline's due date. A year of crazy ups and downs. A year I never expected. A year of things I would change and wouldn't give anything to change. A year of happiness and loss. Somehow it seems full circle. I don't really know how to articulate how I feel about that. I can certainly say that I never would have guessed this is where I would be a year ago. But then life has a way of doing that.
Overall today hasn't been too bad. Just another day tinged with sadness that seems to be par for the course with October. I've also been thinking about one of the mothers from my support group. It's her daughter's birthday today. Those of you who read this for me, please spare a thought for her today as well. Thank goodness October's almost over. I know November 1st isn't going to be some magical "I feel 1000 times better now" day, but it's another fresh start and another step closer to a new year and the end of 2013.
No comments:
Post a Comment