4 Months

Today is a culmination day.  It marks 4 months since Madeline was born and died.  It is also her due date (or what would have been I guess at this point).  Logically I know that doesn't mean she would have necessarily been born today, but it's still a milestone.  It still has meaning.  You would have thought the fact that today would mark two occasions would have hit me almost right away, but it didn't.  I really only truly made and accepted the connection last month.  I don't quite know what to think of the coincidence.  Another one of those "the world works in mysterious ways."  Of course, that's pretty much how I feel about all of October at this point.

Adam and I decided that while we knew today was going to have its emotional toll we didn't want to get dragged down to the depths again.  It was going to be hard not matter what, no need to make sure it was horrible.  So we talked it over and decided to make it a day about us and doing things that make us happy and have some time as a couple.  We'd focus on the positive and feel the hurt and sadness but not drown in it.  And I have to say overall, thus far . . . the day isn't over yet, it's gone the way I had hoped it would.

This morning one of my best friends picked me up and we went to get pedicures.  It's a luxury I truly enjoy but do not indulge in too often.  What better day than today to have some indulgence?  She brought me a pumpkin spice latte (we all know how I feel about pumpkin anything, but especially the PSL) and we had a relaxing, comfortable morning enjoying each other's company and being pampered.  Then we ran some errands and did a little shopping.  Afterwards we met her Mom for lunch and had some lovely conversation and companionship.  It was a lovely morning and early afternoon that helped me focus on positives.  The meaning of the day and my emotions about it were always right below the surface, but it didn't overwhelm me.

When I got home Adam and I spent some time just relaxing and enjoying each other while cuddling on the couch.  We even had some laughs.  Even in all of the sadness and darkness we've been through he always manages to find ways to make me laugh and it is something I will forever be thankful for and appreciative of.  We went out to dinner and then headed back home to relax and just be with each other for the rest of the evening (which could include a movie, video games, cuddling, blog writing . . . any or all of the above . . . that's the nice thing about having this time to just enjoy being with each other).

We checked the mail when we got home from dinner and I was overwhelmed by the number of cards and letters from family and friends showing their love and support.  I've also gotten lots of love and support via text today.  It's a day Adam and I can't help but think about, but to know so many others remembered and took the time to say something meant more to me than I can say.  We are truly lucky to have such wonderful, amazing people in our lives.  Goodness knows we wouldn't be here and still functioning without all of you.  There are still good days and bad and if I'm honest this month has been pretty hard, but each day is a move in the right direction.  I may take steps back at times, but thanks to lots of you I take steps forward too.

I still to this day, as I'm writing this even, don't quite believe this is my life and this all happened.  I think a part of me never will.  It's something you never think is going to happen to you so when it does it's even more shocking.  But I can say that despite the fact that I wish Madeline was with us right now and I was holding her (or close to holding her), I would never want to get rid of the part of my life she was in.  Despite the loss and heartache I would still want the time we had with her.  It's hard to think about and I would be lying if I said I didn't still have "should have been" thoughts (today obviously a huge example).  However, that could never take away the love I had and still have for her and I wouldn't want it to.

The month isn't over yet and there is another milestone we'll hit on the 30th, but we're almost there.  Getting through this month is a milestone in itself and I won't be sorry to see it go.  But today wasn't horrible and that's something.  So on that note I'm going to get back to some quality time with my husband.  Together we'll make it through . . . like we always do . . . somehow.