Remembering

As it's the last day of October I thought it would be good to talk about remembering.  It's something we've talked about in my support group and it's been on my mind a lot this month.  It's also Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month so it all seems fitting.

I first want to say thank you to all of you who have been so supportive and loving, especially during this month.  There has been a lot associated with this month and I can't say I'm sorry to see the end of it.  I also want to say to all of you who have suffered a loss I've been thinking about you this month as well.  I'm sorry it's taken me until now to actually say it.  Some of you have told me personally or through a message about your experience and I want you to know I've been thinking of each and every one of you.  A special thanks to those of you who helped me by sharing your experiences after my miscarriage last year.  It's not a comfortable subject and it meant so much to me that you were willing to share with me.  I'm also thinking about those of you who have experienced loss but haven't talked about it.  I'm sure there are several people who read my blog that have, but aren't comfortable talking about it and that's fine.  I think of you too.

This month was about acknowledging loss, but it was also about how to deal with the loss and remembering.  I've been lucky enough to have amazing friends and family who have helped me with ways to remember my daughter both for the month and always.

I've talked about remembrance jewelry before.  It's something I've wanted to get, but hadn't gotten around to myself.  Luckily I have a mother and friend who are thoughtful and know me so well.  They each got me necklaces that are beautiful, different and so me.  My mom gave me a necklace when she came down for the Remembrance Walk.  We'd talked about what I wanted before and I was touched that she went ahead and got it.  Below is a picture.  The butterfly is similar to one that is on her marker and the heart behind it is engraved with Madeline's full name and her birth date.  The chain I wear it on is fairly long and I love that she's always close to my heart.  I've worn it every day since I got it.

The other day I got a package in the mail from one of my best friends.  She knew I'd been wanting a piece of remembrance jewelry as well so she designed a necklace with a jewelry designer for me.  It's very different from the one my mom got me, but also so me and I love it.  There is a picture below.  The stone is June's birthstone and the leaf has an "M" on it.  My favorite part is the infinity symbol.  I had pinned something similar (though at the time it wasn't for a remembrance piece of jewelry) on Pinterest quite some time ago.  I was touched by how much thought had gone into it and how fitting it was.

We also have a permanent reminder in our backyard now thanks to another of my best friends and her mother.  We've always wanted to plant a tree in our backyard since moving into this house but never got around to it.  My friend and her mother got us a gift card to a local nursery so we could get something to plant that we could always look at and remember Madeline.  This was the perfect opportunity to finally get that tree.  I liked the idea of something that would always be around and grow more each year.  After looking at several I decided on a red maple called "October Glory."  I liked the idea of the vibrant leaves in the fall and the shade it would provide in the spring and summer (once it grows a bit more of course).  Plus it had "October" in the name, it seemed beyond fitting.  It was planted last month and the leaves are starting to turn.  It is beautiful and every time I look at it I feel warm and have happy thoughts of Madeline.  A picture is below.

Pictures are another way to remember.  Today I put the picture of her tiny feet in a frame.  It's something I've been debating about for a while.  I don't want her to just be in a box in the closet.  But at the same time I didn't know if I could look at a picture of her every day.  I decided her feet were a happy compromise.  I put them in a frame that has been hung on the wall for a while now and was reserved for our first family picture.  I just couldn't walk by that empty frame anymore.  It's on the wall on the way to our bedroom in the center of a large collage of our families.  I can't avoid it.  I wasn't sure adding a picture would help, but it has.  It still makes me sad, but it's so much better than the emptiness.

Happy end of October (and Halloween).  Here's to November.  I'm planning on trying to write something I'm thankful for every day of this month.  I did that last year after the miscarriage and it really helped me to focus on the positive so hopefully it will this year too.