It's something I've been both looking forward to as well as dreading. I hoped it would be healing in some way, but I also knew it would be difficult. Thankfully Adam and I weren't alone. Everyone who got to meet Madeline in person was there today. It was fitting and special. My parents, Adam's parents and his sister all came to participate with us. I was also glad to have the mothers from my support group there as well. Knowing that I would see familiar faces made it less stressful and having their comfort as well as being able to comfort them meant a lot.
Everyone met around the Henry Clay monument in the cemetery. It started at 2pm but we got there at 1:30 to register and meet other parents and families who have lost babies. The walk was for those who have lost babies through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, still birth and death soon after birth. It didn't really hit me until today that we were walking this walk not only for Madeline but also for the baby we lost through miscarriage almost a year ago (the fact that it's approaching a year just hit me too . . . can we be done with October yet?). I signed us in and talked to the nurse who leads our support group, introducing her to Adam. Then I went and personalized a small wind chime for Madeline. The wind chimes were hung in a tree in the section for babies (Baby Land) and be part of a ceremony at the end of the walk. While I was in line for the wind chimes I saw someone I went to High School with who now works for Baptist Health. I had no idea she would be there and it was nice to see a familiar face and get a hug of support and comfort. The world sometimes works in mysterious ways (that end up with good results). I spent the rest of the time talking to the other mothers from my support group and their families as well as my own.
There was a welcome speech followed by a song. Then the poem "A Walk to Remember" was read by a mother who had experienced a loss followed by another song. I'm going to add the poem below because of all the things that were read and said, this got to me the most. It really hit home.
A Walk to Remember
Kathie Mayo 1986
I walk to remember
the steps you'll never take
I carry you with me
as I firmly plant my feet.
Our trek started long ago,
before my belly swelled.
You were a love that grew-
like butterfly wings that beat.
Your gentle flutters then became
kicks upon which I would dwell.
And I would talk to you, sweet babe,
about the world you soon would meet.
The sun always shone upon us then-
when you were in my womb.
And I was eager to show you the world
that would have been your home.
How you'd have loved the sun shining-
blue skies without a cloud.
The autumn leaves turning-
the snow falling all around.
The flowers in the summer-
would have willed your eyes with smiles.
And the rain that might have fallen
would have caused you great surprise.
You would have traveled far with me-
holding me by the hand.
And I'd shown you all I could-
more than I can imagine.
You hold my HEART tightly now,
as thought we're holding hands.
How far we've traveled, little one-
and my life with you has been sweet.
For I carry you in my heart
as I firmly plant my feet.
We then began the almost one mile walk from the Henry Clay monument to Baby Land. We went around the outside of the cemetery and then wound our way back in. I've never really explored this part of the cemetery before and it was nice to have something beautiful and interesting to look at as we walked so I didn't totally drown in the sadness of today. If you've never been to Lexington Cemetery I would recommend it. It really is beautiful and is over 100 years old. There are ponds, huge trees and lots of interesting monuments and markers. The walk was steady but not rushed and before we knew it we were at Baby Land.
We gathered at the back corner close to a tree. This tree was planted specifically in remembrance and is used in this ceremony every year. All of the wind chimes we had personalized were hung in the tree. It was a nice day with a very slight breeze every now and then so we could sometimes hear the tiny chimes. There was also a harpist playing. It was beautiful.
Once everyone was gathered the ceremony began. Another poem was read and then we recognized all of the babies we were there to remember. A chaplain from Baptist Health took down a wind chime, read the name, the parents/family walked up to receive the wind chime and then they took a cup of water from another helper to water the tree. This was done for every baby we were there to remember. While it was sad that there were so many wind chimes it was also comforting to see how many other people have suffered loss like us. I know we're not alone in this, but today was a vivid reminder of that. It was also comforting to see how many of these parents also had children with them. It was another spark of hope. I honestly don't remember how many names were read but it was at least 30, possibly more.
When Madeline's wind chime was read, Adam and I walked up together. I handed him the wind chime and then I watered the tree. It was calming in a way that is hard for me to describe. It made me feel better than I thought it would.
After all of the babies were recognized there was a moment for silent reflection with the harpist playing in the background. There was another poem that was read by the chaplain with responses from those of us gathered to remember followed by a closing prayer. Then it was over and we went to see Madeline.
We brought her some new flowers, a pot of purple mums and some pink baby carnations. On Wednesday I got a call from the monument company that her marker had been finished and delivered to the cemetery. I was hoping it might be installed by today, but I wasn't sure. As we walked up I was so glad to see it. It made the day feel so much more purposeful. It turned out just as we wanted. Seeing it made everything so much more real. Adam and I stood there holding each other surrounded by our families. We cried but being surrounded by the love and support helped. All of the mothers from my support group also came over and it meant so much to me. Even though I don't know all of them very well yet, I feel like I do. I have a kinship with them and it was so nice to be able to have their comfort as well. It meant so much to be able to share my beautiful daughter with others. There are pictures below.
The pumpkin is from a mother in my support group. Her daughter is a few graves down from Madeline.
We spent a while with Madeline and then headed back to our cars. Rain had been predicted today, but it had been nice since we arrived at the cemetery. As soon as the ceremony was over it started to cloud over. There were some sprinkles but it never rained hard. It was another of those fitting things about the day.
While I had some reservations about today (mostly that I knew it was going to be sad) I'm so glad we went. It actually provided me with a lot more comfort than I had expected. I think it was good for our family members as well. We all shared her short life and we were able to take this time to remember her together and how much she was loved.
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