Remembering

As it's the last day of October I thought it would be good to talk about remembering.  It's something we've talked about in my support group and it's been on my mind a lot this month.  It's also Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month so it all seems fitting.

I first want to say thank you to all of you who have been so supportive and loving, especially during this month.  There has been a lot associated with this month and I can't say I'm sorry to see the end of it.  I also want to say to all of you who have suffered a loss I've been thinking about you this month as well.  I'm sorry it's taken me until now to actually say it.  Some of you have told me personally or through a message about your experience and I want you to know I've been thinking of each and every one of you.  A special thanks to those of you who helped me by sharing your experiences after my miscarriage last year.  It's not a comfortable subject and it meant so much to me that you were willing to share with me.  I'm also thinking about those of you who have experienced loss but haven't talked about it.  I'm sure there are several people who read my blog that have, but aren't comfortable talking about it and that's fine.  I think of you too.

This month was about acknowledging loss, but it was also about how to deal with the loss and remembering.  I've been lucky enough to have amazing friends and family who have helped me with ways to remember my daughter both for the month and always.

I've talked about remembrance jewelry before.  It's something I've wanted to get, but hadn't gotten around to myself.  Luckily I have a mother and friend who are thoughtful and know me so well.  They each got me necklaces that are beautiful, different and so me.  My mom gave me a necklace when she came down for the Remembrance Walk.  We'd talked about what I wanted before and I was touched that she went ahead and got it.  Below is a picture.  The butterfly is similar to one that is on her marker and the heart behind it is engraved with Madeline's full name and her birth date.  The chain I wear it on is fairly long and I love that she's always close to my heart.  I've worn it every day since I got it.

The other day I got a package in the mail from one of my best friends.  She knew I'd been wanting a piece of remembrance jewelry as well so she designed a necklace with a jewelry designer for me.  It's very different from the one my mom got me, but also so me and I love it.  There is a picture below.  The stone is June's birthstone and the leaf has an "M" on it.  My favorite part is the infinity symbol.  I had pinned something similar (though at the time it wasn't for a remembrance piece of jewelry) on Pinterest quite some time ago.  I was touched by how much thought had gone into it and how fitting it was.

We also have a permanent reminder in our backyard now thanks to another of my best friends and her mother.  We've always wanted to plant a tree in our backyard since moving into this house but never got around to it.  My friend and her mother got us a gift card to a local nursery so we could get something to plant that we could always look at and remember Madeline.  This was the perfect opportunity to finally get that tree.  I liked the idea of something that would always be around and grow more each year.  After looking at several I decided on a red maple called "October Glory."  I liked the idea of the vibrant leaves in the fall and the shade it would provide in the spring and summer (once it grows a bit more of course).  Plus it had "October" in the name, it seemed beyond fitting.  It was planted last month and the leaves are starting to turn.  It is beautiful and every time I look at it I feel warm and have happy thoughts of Madeline.  A picture is below.

Pictures are another way to remember.  Today I put the picture of her tiny feet in a frame.  It's something I've been debating about for a while.  I don't want her to just be in a box in the closet.  But at the same time I didn't know if I could look at a picture of her every day.  I decided her feet were a happy compromise.  I put them in a frame that has been hung on the wall for a while now and was reserved for our first family picture.  I just couldn't walk by that empty frame anymore.  It's on the wall on the way to our bedroom in the center of a large collage of our families.  I can't avoid it.  I wasn't sure adding a picture would help, but it has.  It still makes me sad, but it's so much better than the emptiness.

Happy end of October (and Halloween).  Here's to November.  I'm planning on trying to write something I'm thankful for every day of this month.  I did that last year after the miscarriage and it really helped me to focus on the positive so hopefully it will this year too.

What Do I Call This Day?

Today marks the one year anniversary of going to the doctor to find our first baby did not have a heartbeat.  I still struggle with terminology.  Do I count this as the official miscarriage?  Or do I wait until November 14th because that's when I had the D&C?  We'll never know exactly when the heartbeat stopped.  According to my doctor I was measuring at about 8 weeks 4 days.  So that's when the baby stopped growing.  But how long had that been before we went to the doctor?  My gut tells me it wasn't long before.  I had some bleeding the weekend before and my appointment was right after so I hadn't bothered trying to get in sooner.  It wouldn't have made a difference.  This day seems the most fitting since it's the day we knew.

I'll never forget that appointment.  We were nervous but excited.  This was something we'd been hoping and trying for and we were finally there.  After so long we were there.  The ultrasound seemed to be going well at first.  The baby wasn't much more than a blob, but there were definitions of tiny arms, legs and head.  I still remember being so surprised that I could actually see that definition.  We had no idea how far along I was because my periods had been so irregular and it was surprising I'd gotten this far without really knowing.  Then the tech tried to find the heartbeat.  I knew that's what she was doing even though she didn't tell us.  I've been to ultrasounds with others before.  There was just an unwavering flat line and no sound.  She tried multiple times, but it never changed.  I knew.  Deep down I knew but I wasn't ready to admit it yet.  The tech didn't say much and was nice but didn't print off a picture for us.  That was another sign.  I knew she wouldn't tell us.  That was the doctor's job, but that meant more waiting and that was the worst part.  Waiting for conformation of what I guessed.

There are several doctors and midwives in the practice I go to and I didn't have a preference so they made the appointment with whoever had the first available appointment when I had called a couple weeks before.  I'm so glad I ended up with the doctor I have now.  She was so kind and comforting when she came in to talk to us.  It can't be easy to meet someone for the first time and give them news like this.  We went over our options and decided to see if nature would just take its course because I really didn't want to have surgery if I didn't have to.  Unfortunately that didn't happen, but she was supportive of our decision.

I'm glad she's been with us from the beginning of this journey.  It's comforting to know that she's aware of everything that's happened in the past because she was there, not just reading it in a file.  She was such a comfort through everything we went through with Madeline and I know she will be in the future as well.  In all the uncertainty I'm so glad I have a doctor I trust and feel comfortable with.

The rest of the day was a year ago was a blur really.  A miserable blur.  We hadn't told anyone yet because we wanted to wait until after that first appointment so we could also give a due date and know things were looking good.  It was beyond difficult to tell our families everything all at once, especially my Mom.  Everyone was supportive and caring as always.  We truly are lucky to have such amazing family and friends.

It's hard to believe that was a year ago.  Even though we started the journey to becoming parents before that (we'd been trying for about a year before I got pregnant) it still feels like October 30, 2012 was another beginning on that journey (and ending).  It also somehow seems fitting in a way that it's right after Madeline's due date.  A year of crazy ups and downs.  A year I never expected.  A year of things I would change and wouldn't give anything to change.  A year of happiness and loss.  Somehow it seems full circle.  I don't really know how to articulate how I feel about that.  I can certainly say that I never would have guessed this is where I would be a year ago.  But then life has a way of doing that.

Overall today hasn't been too bad.  Just another day tinged with sadness that seems to be par for the course with October.  I've also been thinking about one of the mothers from my support group.  It's her daughter's birthday today.  Those of you who read this for me, please spare a thought for her today as well.  Thank goodness October's almost over.  I know November 1st isn't going to be some magical "I feel 1000 times better now" day, but it's another fresh start and another step closer to a new year and the end of 2013.

4 Months

Today is a culmination day.  It marks 4 months since Madeline was born and died.  It is also her due date (or what would have been I guess at this point).  Logically I know that doesn't mean she would have necessarily been born today, but it's still a milestone.  It still has meaning.  You would have thought the fact that today would mark two occasions would have hit me almost right away, but it didn't.  I really only truly made and accepted the connection last month.  I don't quite know what to think of the coincidence.  Another one of those "the world works in mysterious ways."  Of course, that's pretty much how I feel about all of October at this point.

Adam and I decided that while we knew today was going to have its emotional toll we didn't want to get dragged down to the depths again.  It was going to be hard not matter what, no need to make sure it was horrible.  So we talked it over and decided to make it a day about us and doing things that make us happy and have some time as a couple.  We'd focus on the positive and feel the hurt and sadness but not drown in it.  And I have to say overall, thus far . . . the day isn't over yet, it's gone the way I had hoped it would.

This morning one of my best friends picked me up and we went to get pedicures.  It's a luxury I truly enjoy but do not indulge in too often.  What better day than today to have some indulgence?  She brought me a pumpkin spice latte (we all know how I feel about pumpkin anything, but especially the PSL) and we had a relaxing, comfortable morning enjoying each other's company and being pampered.  Then we ran some errands and did a little shopping.  Afterwards we met her Mom for lunch and had some lovely conversation and companionship.  It was a lovely morning and early afternoon that helped me focus on positives.  The meaning of the day and my emotions about it were always right below the surface, but it didn't overwhelm me.

When I got home Adam and I spent some time just relaxing and enjoying each other while cuddling on the couch.  We even had some laughs.  Even in all of the sadness and darkness we've been through he always manages to find ways to make me laugh and it is something I will forever be thankful for and appreciative of.  We went out to dinner and then headed back home to relax and just be with each other for the rest of the evening (which could include a movie, video games, cuddling, blog writing . . . any or all of the above . . . that's the nice thing about having this time to just enjoy being with each other).

We checked the mail when we got home from dinner and I was overwhelmed by the number of cards and letters from family and friends showing their love and support.  I've also gotten lots of love and support via text today.  It's a day Adam and I can't help but think about, but to know so many others remembered and took the time to say something meant more to me than I can say.  We are truly lucky to have such wonderful, amazing people in our lives.  Goodness knows we wouldn't be here and still functioning without all of you.  There are still good days and bad and if I'm honest this month has been pretty hard, but each day is a move in the right direction.  I may take steps back at times, but thanks to lots of you I take steps forward too.

I still to this day, as I'm writing this even, don't quite believe this is my life and this all happened.  I think a part of me never will.  It's something you never think is going to happen to you so when it does it's even more shocking.  But I can say that despite the fact that I wish Madeline was with us right now and I was holding her (or close to holding her), I would never want to get rid of the part of my life she was in.  Despite the loss and heartache I would still want the time we had with her.  It's hard to think about and I would be lying if I said I didn't still have "should have been" thoughts (today obviously a huge example).  However, that could never take away the love I had and still have for her and I wouldn't want it to.

The month isn't over yet and there is another milestone we'll hit on the 30th, but we're almost there.  Getting through this month is a milestone in itself and I won't be sorry to see it go.  But today wasn't horrible and that's something.  So on that note I'm going to get back to some quality time with my husband.  Together we'll make it through . . . like we always do . . . somehow.

Memorial for Madeline

Today we had a memorial for Madeline at the cemetery.  It's something we've been wanting to do, but I wanted her marker to be placed first so everyone could see it.  It was kind of thrown together last minute but it was meant to be.

One of Adam's Uncles is a priest.  He lives in Cambodia and works with the deaf there through Maryknoll.  He comes back to the States a few times a year.  We had wanted him to preside over the memorial and we were lucky that it all worked out that he was not only in the States but in Louisville this weekend.  Through many calls and emails throughout the week we set everything up for today.

It was a beautiful day and we were lucky enough to be surrounded by 16 members of our family and close friends.  We met at the cemetery around Madeline's grave at 3:30 this afternoon.  We chatted and had some introductions and then Adam's Uncle started the memorial.

He started by introducing himself and why we were there today.  He talked about how none of us really knows what heaven is like, but we know it's there and that Madeline will be waiting for us.  Then Adam's Mom did a reading from Mark.  He then used incense to bless her grave and talked about the symbolism of the incense.  After he led us in some prayers and asked for comfort for all of us in our journey towards healing.  To be honest it's all kind of a blur, but it was beautiful and wonderful and meant so much to Adam and I.  I'm so thankful that everything worked out that Adam's Uncle was able to come and do this and that so many of our family and friends were able to join us on such short notice.  It all seems like it was meant to be from her marker being placed, to Adam's Uncle being in town, to the beautiful day we had today after so much rain and gloom.  It was such a comforting way to celebrate and remember our daughter and her brief life.  Seeing so many people who loved her gathered together and knowing it truly was only a handful of the total was humbling and so wonderful.  It reminded me of something a friend had told me about a month after she was born.  While Madeline didn't have a long life, for the entire time she was alive she was surrounded by love and that's not something everyone gets.

After the memorial we had everyone over to our house to eat and enjoy each other's company.  It was nice to have so many people in our house that love us and care about us.  Our families and friends all blended well together and I think we all enjoyed having this time to be with one another even if we all wished it was for a different reason.  It meant so much to us to be surrounded in the cocoon of love and support.  There are few other times I can remember our home feeling so full of love.

While I still hold that October is not so fun and I wish it would hurry up and be over (next weekend especially), I found so much comfort in today and am so very thankful for all of you who were there in person and in spirit.

Madeline's marker after the memorial today

Remembrance Walk 2013

Today we went to Lexington Cemetery to participate in the Remembrance Walk for this year.  October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month and this walk is held every year hosted by Baptist Health.  It's something that's been on the calendar for several months now and seemed so far away and now it's over.  It's hard to believe.

It's something I've been both looking forward to as well as dreading.  I hoped it would be healing in some way, but I also knew it would be difficult.  Thankfully Adam and I weren't alone.  Everyone who got to meet Madeline in person was there today.  It was fitting and special.  My parents, Adam's parents and his sister all came to participate with us.  I was also glad to have the mothers from my support group there as well.  Knowing that I would see familiar faces made it less stressful and having their comfort as well as being able to comfort them meant a lot.

Everyone met around the Henry Clay monument in the cemetery.  It started at 2pm but we got there at 1:30 to register and meet other parents and families who have lost babies.  The walk was for those who have lost babies through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, still birth and death soon after birth.  It didn't really hit me until today that we were walking this walk not only for Madeline but also for the baby we lost through miscarriage almost a year ago (the fact that it's approaching a year just hit me too . . . can we be done with October yet?).  I signed us in and talked to the nurse who leads our support group, introducing her to Adam.  Then I went and personalized a small wind chime for Madeline.  The wind chimes were hung in a tree in the section for babies (Baby Land) and be part of a ceremony at the end of the walk.  While I was in line for the wind chimes I saw someone I went to High School with who now works for Baptist Health.  I had no idea she would be there and it was nice to see a familiar face and get a hug of support and comfort.  The world sometimes works in mysterious ways (that end up with good results).  I spent the rest of the time talking to the other mothers from my support group and their families as well as my own.

There was a welcome speech followed by a song.  Then the poem "A Walk to Remember" was read by a mother who had experienced a loss followed by another song.  I'm going to add the poem below because of all the things that were read and said, this got to me the most.  It really hit home.

A Walk to Remember

Kathie Mayo 1986

I walk to remember

the steps you'll never take

I carry you with me

as I firmly plant my feet.

Our trek started long ago,

before my belly swelled.

You were a love that grew-

like butterfly wings that beat.

Your gentle flutters then became

kicks upon which I would dwell.

And I would talk to you, sweet babe,

about the world you soon would meet.

The sun always shone upon us then-

when you were in my womb.

And I was eager to show you the world

that would have been your home.

How you'd have loved the sun shining-

blue skies without a cloud.

The autumn leaves turning-

the snow falling all around.

The flowers in the summer-

would have willed your eyes with smiles.

And the rain that might have fallen

would have caused you great surprise.

You would have traveled far with me-

holding me by the hand.

And I'd shown you all I could-

more than I can imagine.

You hold my HEART tightly now,

as thought we're holding hands.

How far we've traveled, little one-

and my life with you has been sweet.

For I carry you in my heart

as I firmly plant my feet.

We then began the almost one mile walk from the Henry Clay monument to Baby Land.  We went around the outside of the cemetery and then wound our way back in.  I've never really explored this part of the cemetery before and it was nice to have something beautiful and interesting to look at as we walked so I didn't totally drown in the sadness of today.  If you've never been to Lexington Cemetery I would recommend it.  It really is beautiful and is over 100 years old.  There are ponds, huge trees and lots of interesting monuments and markers.  The walk was steady but not rushed and before we knew it we were at Baby Land.

We gathered at the back corner close to a tree.  This tree was planted specifically in remembrance and is used in this ceremony every year.  All of the wind chimes we had personalized were hung in the tree.  It was a nice day with a very slight breeze every now and then so we could sometimes hear the tiny chimes.  There was also a harpist playing.  It was beautiful. 

Once everyone was gathered the ceremony began.  Another poem was read and then we recognized all of the babies we were there to remember.  A chaplain from Baptist Health took down a wind chime, read the name, the parents/family walked up to receive the wind chime and then they took a cup of water from another helper to water the tree.  This was done for every baby we were there to remember.  While it was sad that there were so many wind chimes it was also comforting to see how many other people have suffered loss like us.  I know we're not alone in this, but today was a vivid reminder of that.  It was also comforting to see how many of these parents also had children with them. It was another spark of hope.  I honestly don't remember how many names were read but it was at least 30, possibly more.  

When Madeline's wind chime was read, Adam and I walked up together.  I handed him the wind chime and then I watered the tree.  It was calming in a way that is hard for me to describe.  It made me feel better than I thought it would.  

After all of the babies were recognized there was a moment for silent reflection with the harpist playing in the background.  There was another poem that was read by the chaplain with responses from those of us gathered to remember followed by a closing prayer.  Then it was over and we went to see Madeline.

We brought her some new flowers, a pot of purple mums and some pink baby carnations.  On Wednesday I got a call from the monument company that her marker had been finished and delivered to the cemetery.  I was hoping it might be installed by today, but I wasn't sure.  As we walked up I was so glad to see it.  It made the day feel so much more purposeful.  It turned out just as we wanted.  Seeing it made everything so much more real.  Adam and I stood there holding each other surrounded by our families.  We cried but being surrounded by the love and support helped.  All of the mothers from my support group also came over and it meant so much to me.  Even though I don't know all of them very well yet, I feel like I do.  I have a kinship with them and it was so nice to be able to have their comfort as well.  It meant so much to be able to share my beautiful daughter with others.  There are pictures below.

The pumpkin is from a mother in my support group.  Her daughter is a few graves down from Madeline.

We spent a while with Madeline and then headed back to our cars.  Rain had been predicted today, but it had been nice since we arrived at the cemetery.  As soon as the ceremony was over it started to cloud over.  There were some sprinkles but it never rained hard.  It was another of those fitting things about the day.

While I had some reservations about today (mostly that I knew it was going to be sad) I'm so glad we went.  It actually provided me with a lot more comfort than I had expected.  I think it was good for our family members as well.  We all shared her short life and we were able to take this time to remember her together and how much she was loved.  

Visiting Madeline with Adam's Family

On the weekend of September 13th Adam's family came in for a day to visit.  They came to the house and we caught up for a while and then decided to get lunch.  We decided that after lunch we would go to the cemetery to visit Madeline since my mother in law, father in law and Adam hadn't been yet.  Adam and I had thought about going together several times, but he wasn't ready yet.  I think it was also helpful for him to have his family with us for support.

After lunch we stopped at Kroger to get some flowers for Madeline.  I also wanted to get some for the daughter of one of the women from my support group since her daughter is in the same section and very close to Madeline.  I found some pretty orange and yellow mums in a plastic planter for Madeline and some white carnations with a vibrant purple edge for my fellow mother's daughter.  I never know what my visits with Madeline are going to be like until I get there, so I warned my family that I could be fine or I might lose it.

It was a beautiful day and they had just mowed.  When we got to her grave I saw that they had poured the concrete for her marker.  Hopefully that means that it will go in very quickly once it is completed.  That should be by the end of October or beginning of November.  We picked up the old flowers and placed the mums.  While we were standing there a ground hornet flew into the hole for the marker.  I noticed there was a nest started.  I got irrationally angry.  How dare this hornet try and build a nest over my daughter?  So I of course got a stick and tore the nest apart, not thinking about the possibility of getting stung.  I didn't care.  Luckily it didn't sting me, but it would have been worth it if it had.  After that I found the other grave and laid the flowers down telling the little girl that her mother was a very nice person and I knew she missed her very much.  I had known from our support group meeting that they were close to each other, but I was surprised to find they were in the exact same row only 3 graves apart.  It's funny how the world works sometimes.

We spent a while there not only visiting Madeline but also looking around since my sister in law and I were the only ones who had been there before.  I was doing fine until we were getting ready to go.  I walked over to hug Adam and lost it a bit.  I was glad he was there and he was too.  I was glad we were sharing this.  We told her goodbye and then headed for the car.

It was sad, but it was a good day.  I was glad to be able to share this with my in laws and glad that Adam had all of us with him for his first visit.

Support Group October

This month's support group was about remembrance.  That's due to the fact that October is pregnancy and infant loss month.  How appropriate that this is also the month that Madeline should have been born.  It was a good meeting, but hard.  We've now started the month that I've been dreading.  I just need to get through it.

One of the things we talked about to remember our babies was to plant something.  This was something I'd been planning on from the beginning.  One of my friends and her mom got us a gift card to a local nursery to help pay for whatever we decided to get.  We've been wanting to plant a tree in our back yard since we bought this house because there is nothing out there.  Some shade would be nice.  This seemed like the perfect opportunity.  I went to the nursery to look at trees and decided on a red maple called "October Blaze."  I thought the name was perfect.  They came and planted it today.  The symbolism is not lost on me.  Now I just have to keep this tree alive.  Hopefully that won't be a problem.  It's been nice looking out at it when I let the dogs outside.  Every time I look at it I'll think of Madeline and what a gift she was.

Another thing we talked about was jewelry.  All of the mothers besides me have some sort of jewelry to commemorate their babies.  It's all different but lovely.  The nice thing about jewelry is that you can have it on you always but it isn't always obvious to others.  It can also be a conversation starter if you want to talk about your baby.  I've been thinking about getting something but haven't brought myself to decide what I would really want.  One of these days I'll decide.

There was a new mother to our group who had lost one of her twins.  She brought up something that has been on my mind as well.  How to respond when people ask you if/how many children you have.  There's part of you that wants to say that you have a child but they died, but there is another part that doesn't want to talk about it.  But you never want to deny your child.  So what do you do?  Luckily this isn't something I've really had to deal with yet.  I think the blog has helped me with this issue.  I've been so open here that it makes it easier to open in general.  But I also haven't had that awkward time of being asked by someone who hasn't seen me in a long time or I just met.  I guess I'll just have to wait and see and go with whatever I feel like at the time.  Whatever I decide at the time will be right.

We also talked about the Remembrance Walk that will be held at Lexington Cemetery on October 13th.  It's something they hold every year.  The walk starts around the Henry Clay memorial and goes to Baby Land, the section of the cemetery for babies.  This is where Madeline is so we'll get to visit her that day too.  Once we all reach Baby Land there is a ceremony of sorts and all of the names of the babies we are remembering that day are read out loud.  I don't quite know what to expect, but I think it will be good for me and our family.  My parents, Adam's parents and his sister are planning on coming.  It will be nice to all be together.  Everyone who got to meet her in our family will all be together again to remember her.  It will also be nice to see the mothers from the group again.  I get a lot out of our monthly meetings so I know it will be helpful to be able to see them more than once this month.

Support Group September

This month's support group topic was "Future Pregnancy."  I was a bit wary as Adam and I aren't there yet, but I knew going last month helped me and that we wouldn't only talk about the topic, so I went.  As with last month, I'm glad I did. It was the same group of us again and it was nice to see the familiar faces.

We talked about many things but probably half of the meeting we did spend on the specific topic.  All of the other women are at a year or very close (one in August and the other two in October) so this is something they have all been thinking about.  Listening to them talk about their fears and experiences about when to start trying again and what happened once they did was more helpful that I had thought it would be.  They brought up some things I wouldn't have thought about.  One of the mothers said that if she wasn't pregnant by a certain month she and her husband were going to stop trying for a few months because she didn't want to be going through pregnancy at the same time again. It's something I'd never considered before and I still don't know how I feel about it.  Part of me thinks that next time I'm going to be so nervous that it won't matter if I'm going through things at around the same time.  Then another part of me thinks that would make it 10 times worse.  Again, it's not something we're ready for yet so I don't have to think about it too much, but it's something to have in the back of my mind.

Another mother talked about her disappointment and frustration when she gets her period.  That is something I have thought about.  How am I going to handle that?  It took us a year the first time and a couple months the second time.  There is no way to know or guess how long it will take next time.  I don't want to dread that expected time every month but I also don't want to let myself be too hopeful.  I guess I'll just have to find some sort of balance once we get there and realize that I have to take each month as it comes.

The other mother talked about her struggles with fertility treatments.  They have been through another round and it didn't work.  She's to the point now where she's deciding how much further she wants to take it.  We're all so different, but we can all relate and support each other.

Another point of topic became where our babies are now.  Two of them were cremated and the other two of us had our daughters buried at Lexington Cemetery.  As that mother and I talked more we discovered that our daughters were actually very close to each other.  The next time I went to visit Madeline I brought a flower for her daughter as well and discovered they are 3 plots away from each other in the same row.  Another crazy thing about life.  It's comforting to know that when she visits her daughter she'll also spare a moment for Madeline as well (and I'll do the same).