9 Months

Today is 9 months.  It's starting to sink in how close to a year we're getting.  In only 3 months it will be Madeline's birthday and a year since we lost her.  It's still all very surreal at this point.  Time continues to be a funny thing, making it seem like forever ago and yesterday all at the same time depending on the day or time.

Today hasn't been too bad.  I've thought about it, but it didn't consume my entire day.  I think there are several reasons for this.  The first is that I started officially seeing a counselor this week.  I was nervous about this experience as I've never done this before.  We'd emailed but we were meeting in person and officially starting this process. Despite my worries it was a good experience.  We mainly just got to know each other and determined what I needed the most help with in future sessions.  I felt very comfortable with her and there were several times when I tried to describe something I had felt or how I dealt with something and she was able to put it into words that were so right and what I'd been looking for.  I'm going to be seeing her fairly regularly in the next couple months to learn some tools and get myself to a better place emotionally.  This little girl will be here before we know it and I want to be in a better place before she gets here.  She deserves a Mom who can be as together emotionally as possible.  Having this baby on the outside is going to bring a lot more emotional stress and anxiety but with the tools I learn and knowing I have someone to go to, hopefully I won't fall into old habits and will be able to have a better handle on myself.

The other part is that my emotions with this pregnancy are a little better.  We've made it past where I was with Madeline when I went into the hospital and nothing has happened.  I had a lot of anxiety about getting to this point but so far so good.  There have been no indications that anything is going to happen.  I feel the same now as I did a week ago.  I haven't had any symptoms to indicate my cervix is trying to open.  The baby continues to be active and Adam has started talking to her every day.  Hopefully he'll be able to feel her soon too.  There have been a couple times I thought someone might be able to feel her from the outside but unfortunately he's been at work.  Soon the timing will work out.

It's been easier for me to focus on the good things instead of the bad today and that's a good thing.  I still miss and love Madeline, but the grief wasn't all consuming today.  As we get closer to a year I know that is likely to change, but for now I'll take today.  A day I was able to think of Madeline fondly and not fall into the depths of grief that sometimes consume me.