First Trimester Thoughts

I'm just going to use this post to add thoughts as they come.  That way I won't make a post for every time I think "this can't really be happening yet right?"


I'm still in shock to be honest.  It's not that I don't want this baby, it's just that I never thought it would happen this soon.  I should have known better, but I just had in my head that it would take a while, maybe even a year.  Having it happen differently is still something I'm wrapping my head around.  I think for now I'm going to live in a bit if not full denial.  I'll still take care of myself of course, but I don't know that I can truly think about and accept everything right now and still be able to function.


Adam and I have talked a bit about when we want to tell people.  It's a harder decision than it should be.  I know logically telling people has no effect on what will happen, but it's still hard after everything we've been through.  I think we're going to tell our families at Christmas.  It'll still be early but it'll be nice to have happy news.  If anything bad happens at least we will have had that happiness for a bit.  Plus it's always been a dream to tell our family about being pregnant at a big family gathering, especially Christmas.  I don't want to deny myself that just because I'm nervous and scared.  Whatever decision we make will be right.  The only thing we know for sure is that we want to wait until after the cerclage to make a public announcement.  I'll feel more confident then.


Christmas.  What a jumble of emotions.  But I'll write a separate post about that.  It's long enough to need one.


I'm still in denial.  I don't know how to process what I'm feeling.  I'm happy.  We're so lucky that I was able to get pregnant again (and with very little effort which was so surprising).  But I'm terrified.  Am I ready to handle all of this?  Will my body be able to?  Will we make it through the first trimester?  If my cervix shortens early will the cerclage keep it shut long enough to ensure our baby is OK?  What if something goes wrong?  How will I handle it?  I don't know if I'm ready to handle something bad again.  And then I feel guilty because it's not this baby's fault that we lost Madeline causing me to be nervous and in denial right now.  I know it'll get better, I just want to get there already.


I'm so glad the cerclage is scheduled.  I know it's not going to magically make everything better, but it will hopefully help me get over a bit of my emotional block.  I want to be able to allow myself to be excited, but it's just hard.  I'm not ready to have my heart ripped out again.  Hopefully I won't, but I can't get it out of my head.