The past couple days have been a bit rough for me. Yesterday I was 22 weeks 4 days, exactly how far along I was when I delivered Madeline. It's been a milestone I knew was approaching and trying not to dwell on, but that didn't work out so well.
In the morning I had my PAL support group which was helpful. It gave me a place to talk with people who understood and also hear about what they're going through to remind myself I'm not the only one with issues. I got support and gave support which was nice. Afterward I went to see Madeline. I haven't been in quite a while and I thought the significance of the day was a sign I needed to go. I've been avoiding it if I'm honest. I feel guilty when I go for lots of various reasons. One because I'm pregnant. I'm not replacing her and I know that, but it's still hard. Also because I have to leave. I know it sounds weird, but leaving her behind every time is hard. I also felt horrible because her marker was dirty from all of the snow, ice and rain. There were also several new graves around her so there's very little grass. Her marker was covered in mud and I didn't bring anything with me to clean it. I used my fingers to get a majority of it off, but it still wasn't great. One of the mothers from my support group gave me some tips on cleaning it so I'll do that next week. Now that the weather is warming up and nurseries are opening again I'll bring her some nice flowers too. I was glad I went to see her, but I left feeling pretty numb. Afterwards I met some of my support group ladies for lunch. It was another nice distraction and we talked about more than just our losses. It's been nice really getting to know them outside of group.
I came home afterwards and spent the rest of the afternoon and night in a funk. I was tired (didn't sleep well the night before with my anxiety about what day it was, kept feeling twinges in my cerclage which I haven't felt in weeks . . . not to mention at 3am all I could think about was at this point in my pregnancy with Madeline she was being born) but couldn't fall asleep to take a nap. I was upset but couldn't cry (and isn't that a weird feeling? It's just below the surface, bubbling, but the tears just wouldn't come). I had all of this guilt hanging on me (guilt because I was thinking of Madeline so much and not her little sister that is still inside me (thank goodness), guilt because I was letting everything overwhelm me again, guilt because I was focusing on the negative and not the positive . . . the list goes on). I just curled up on the couch with the dogs and stared at whatever was playing on Netflix.
Our daughter was pretty active last night (she tends to be at night, just like her sister). While I always enjoy feeling her move and knowing she is doing well, it didn't bring as much comfort as it should. Madeline was always fine. There was nothing wrong with her. She was active the whole time. I was the problem. It was my body that failed. So while I felt her move and was thankful, it still didn't ease the tension and worry of my body failing again. I know I have a stitch this time and that greatly decreases the chances of having the same outcome, but that doesn't mean my body will cooperate fully. I have to keep reminding myself that if my cervix tries to open the stitch will stop it's progress, we'll have notice and then go from there. But it's still hard to accept logic.
Then midnight hit and it was officially a new day. I felt some relief that we'd made it through and nothing had happened (again logic says it wouldn't, but my emotions don't listen to logic). But now there's a new anxiety. I'm now officially more pregnant than I've ever been. I've experienced a little over half of pregnancy and delivered a baby, but I have no idea what the next half is like. I have no personal reference point. It's all new and that's terrifying. Even though up until now some of my references weren't great or happy, I still had them. Not anymore. It's such a surreal notion and I don't quite know how to handle it. It's like I'm pregnant for the first time, even though this is my third pregnancy.
Today has been filled with a lot of thinking. I don't want to get buried again, but honestly the thought of leaving my house today made me ill. I know that today really isn't any different from yesterday, I'm just as pregnant now as I was then, but emotionally it is. It's completely different. I've spent a lot of time so far waiting to get through specific milestones and keeping myself somewhat emotionally closed off to get through them (more so in the beginning than in the past few weeks). Once we made it to 9 weeks there was a small relief (we'd made it past the first pregnancy). Then we made it to the end of the first trimester. This also brought another milestone, the cerclage. I honestly did feel a lot better and more connected to this pregnancy after the surgery. Still not where I should be, but better than it had been. Then we made it to the 20 week ultrasound where we not only found out our baby's gender but also if she was OK. Was she developing normally? Any problems they were worried about? We found out she was a girl and that everything with her and myself looked great. No red flags, nothing to cause worry. I breathed a sigh of relief and allowed myself to give over even more. Next was hitting 21 weeks (when I went to the hospital with Madeline). I made it through and our daughter was still doing fine and not trying to get out. My body gave every indication it was cooperating and I could trust it. And then yesterday was the last big milestone. I made it through the day still with every indication my body is actually doing what it is supposed to. I'm so thankful, but now I don't have these milestones anymore. Sure there's pregnancy milestones in general that will still occur from here on out, but I have no reference for those.
Also making it past that last milestone broke the wall I had around my emotions. Suddenly this is all very, very real. I know that sounds silly. It's been real since I took the pregnancy test and I have become attached, but somehow now it's different. Making it past where I was with Madeline makes it more concrete. We've made it this far with nothing bad happening and now I have to really accept that this is real. I'm still not in a place to say that everything from here on out will be smooth sailing . . . not by a long shot. But there is a certain weight that has been lifted and I feel the bubbles of hope I'd been keeping down for so long springing forth. Of course it's all a roller coaster. The hope comes up and then my emotions say, "But don't forget . . . this is all new now . . . you have no idea what this is going to be like from here on out . . . don't get too comfy . . . the pressure on your cervix will only continue to increase." Now it's going to be about finding the balance even more than before. Which is better? Worrying about something you've had happen happening again or worrying about not knowing what can happen? Both don't do a lot of good. I can't control what's going to happen and that's a hard pill to swallow. Somehow being able to compare this pregnancy to the last made me feel like I had some sort of control (also a fallacy but it made me feel better) and I don't have that anymore.
Luckily I have doctor appointments next week that should help ease my mind, especially with the high risk doctor. They'll be checking my cervix again to see what it looks like now that we've made it past these milestones. What they find will lead to various plans of action ranging from continuing as normal to bed rest. I have every reason to think what they find will be normal and nothing will change, but it will be nice to have conformation.
To end on a positive note to keep from getting bogged down: Here's to making it through (we're almost there . . . few hours shy) the first new day of pregnancy for me. It's been emotional, but I am so thankful that I'm here. My daughter is active and still inside (with no indication that will change in the near future). I'm still healthy (if anxious). It's going to be new from now on, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing.
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