10 Months

Today is 10 months.  I can honestly say I'm in a better place for this anniversary emotionally than I have been in a while.  Of course that means I also have some guilt, but such is life and not as much as I would have had a couple months ago.  My counselor has been wonderful and helped me realize some things that have made this anniversary better.

One of the most helpful things she said to me was that as a mother, I have a lot of love to give and split.  Sometimes I'll need to focus on one child, sometimes on the other and that's OK.  I told her I was having a lot of guilt about feeling like I haven't given Madeline enough of my time (it hadn't even been 6 months since we lost her that I got pregnant).  And then vice versa, not focusing on this baby and being happy enough.  Reminding me that I am able to split my focus and that when I'm focusing more on one child than the other doesn't mean I love the other any less was so helpful and something I hadn't really thought about before.  Perspective.  It's amazing.  There are days that I'm going to have Madeline more on my mind and days where this baby will be at the forefront and that's OK.  That's normal.

Just because I'm not falling apart today doesn't mean I love or miss Madeline any less.  In fact I like to think she'd be happy that I'm having a good day.  That I'm remembering the joy she brought to our lives instead of focusing on the fact that we don't have her here with us.

I don't know what the next two month anniversaries will bring.  I'd like to think that I can continue to be in a good place on those days, but if I'm not it will be OK.  June will be a year and will probably be hard and if it is I won't get down on myself for it.  I still can't quite believe we're this close to a year.  I don't know where the time has gone.  It's also weird to think that I'll only be a little over a month before my due date at that point.

I think another thing that has helped today is that we're visiting Adam's family for the weekend.  We were with his grandmother this afternoon and will be seeing more of his family tonight.  There have been other happy, positive things for me to focus on besides missing our daughter.  We're truly lucky to have the family and friends that we do.

So here's to a good day of remembering how beautiful and precious Madeline was and not focusing only on the fact that she's not here with us.  I will always wish she was, but I can find the joy in the time we did have with her.