Long Week

It's been a long week.  I've been in a funk and basically became a hermit.  I'm sorry to those of you who I really haven't had any contact with (especially those that tried).  I didn't check my e-mail until today.  I haven't been on facebook until today.  I really didn't answer my phone or texts.  I really didn't leave the house.  I just retreated.  In the beginning it was because I wasn't feeling well.  Partially due to my lack of a gallbladder but also probably some sort of bug.  But as the week went on I just kept pulling away.

I can't pinpoint any specific thing that set me off.  It's just been a bit of a downward spiral and I was unwilling to drag myself or let others drag me out of it.  I had no interest in anything.  From the end of last week until today I've mostly felt like I'm going through the motions.  I've done that several times over the past few months of course, but this was a lot of days in a row.

Actually looking back, I probably can pinpoint the start of this.  At the end of last week I went back to the monument company to make some revisions on Madeline's marker.  The gentleman was very nice and after talking I thought we'd come to a good place with the changes.  I left and then went to the cemetery to visit Madeline.  I had been the week before with Mom and we had left some potted flowers.  As I came up to her grave I saw they had been knocked over and the pot had broken (probably from mowing).  I broke down into sobs.  I don't know why I was so upset.  I wondered how long they'd been like that.  No one was there to fix them.  I felt so guilty.  I wasn't there to fix them for her.  I know that's crazy.  I can't be there every day (and I know it's not good for me to try) but it just really got to me.  It was another of those stabbing pains.  I couldn't keep her safe by keeping her inside me and now I couldn't even make sure she had nice flowers that stayed on her grave.

From then on I kind of retreated.  I did have some genuine good times over the next week, but overall I was just going through the motions.  Every year we go to the Kentucky State Fair with my in-laws (I'd never been until Adam and I were together).  We had decided to go last Saturday so Adam and I (and the dogs) spent the weekend in Louisville.  After the bad end to the week I was really looking forward to it.  It's something I always enjoyed.  When we got there I just felt empty.  It wasn't all bad.  I had part of a pork chop sandwich and saw some crazy crafts . . . but overall I just went through the motions.  There were so many babies, children and pregnant women.  It was harder than I thought it would be and I was disappointed that something I usually got pleasure out of really didn't do it for me.  It was nice to be with Adam's family but I felt bad because I just wasn't all there.  I put on a good face but it wasn't the same.

We came back and the first few days of the week I didn't feel well.  Lots of stomach issues.  Lots of sitting on the couch.  Lots of time to think.  Lots of wallowing.  By the time I felt better physically I had gone down the emotional spiral and was unwilling to come back up yet.  So I continued to wallow.  Another part of it is that the 26th is fast approaching.  I try not to think about it but it's there.  Always in the back of my mind or just under the surface.  I can't believe it will only be 2 months.  That just seems crazy to me.  It feels like I've been going through this for soooooo long.  But at the same time there are times when I feel like it just happened the pain is so raw.  I'm amazed at how it seems like I've done so much in these past couple months and at the same time done nothing at all.  It just feels like time passing by.  I know I've done things (we even left and went to Savannah) but I feel numb about it right now.  That's the best way to describe it.  Numb.  Things happen and at the time for a lot of them I do genuinely enjoy myself, but when I look back and try to get those happy feelings out of the memory they just don't come.

I felt like I was doing so well.  Good days were outnumbering the bad.  I could talk about things without getting too emotional.  I was doing things to better my health physically and emotionally.  And then the end of last week came and I hit a wall.  I just stopped.  Probably bounced back if I'm being honest.  I know that's normal and not unexpected.  It doesn't make it any easier.  I feel like I'm in some kind of holding pattern.  I want to have hope for the future (and I do), it's just hard to see it right now because I feel stuck.

All of these emotions had been teeming and building and I knew they had to break.  I had to do something.  Luckily I had something to help me over the hump.  A close friend's son was baptized today and we were invited.  I had talked to her about it and she had assured me if I couldn't do it that was just fine.  I really wanted to go to support my friends and their precious son (and to live normally if I'm being honest).  After my funk of a week I had debated about not going but decided that going was just what I needed to wake me up.  I knew it would probably be hard, but it would force me to confront and deal instead of hide from my emotions (which is what I've been doing all week).  Adam said he'd go with me but he really still wasn't ready.  I said that was fine and that I didn't know if I was either, but it was something I had to do.  Another friend and her husband were also going so we carpooled this morning.  The service was nice and I'm glad I went, but it was hard at times.  We didn't go to the reception afterwards . . . I just couldn't do it.  Not only for myself emotionally but I felt like I would cast a dark cloud over it.  Sitting through the service was one thing.  There were lots of people (6 children were baptized so there were people there for all of them) and it was removed from myself.  The reception would be more intimate and mostly people I knew.  This was a day to celebrate not to think about sadness.  I know that my friends would protest and say I wouldn't have done any such thing (casting the dark cloud of sorrow), but it's how I felt (feel).  It's still awkward (and probably always will be at times).  It's the elephant in the room.  I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable, including myself.  But like I said, it was good I went because it forced me to face my feelings and pull myself out of this fog I've been living in for the past week.  Plus I got to be a part of such a special day in my friends' lives.  My friends dropped me off (bless them for letting me ride with them and helping me cope) and I immediately started this entry and let myself release the grief and pain I'd been wallowing in.

I know this wasn't good.  I shouldn't have let it get this far.  It's just hard sometimes.  When I feel like I'm going through the motions it gets hard sometimes to put on my "everything's fine" face.  If I just hide in my house and cut off everyone I don't have to pretend.  But then I also don't make any progress.  In fact I slip backward.  So even though some days all I want to do is pretend there isn't a world out there and wallow in my grief, I know I need to take a step back and remember that's not good for me.  It may feel good at first, but the longer I let it go the harder it is.

Thanks for listening to this (especially after I haven't posted anything in a while).  I didn't write because that would make me face things, make me put it out there and release it.  Maybe if I'd just written about that first day at the cemetery right away it wouldn't have gone this far.  A good lesson for myself.  Wallowing really doesn't help.  It may seem like it at the time or be the easy way . . . but in the long run it's not.  So here's to me making a conscious effort not to let myself get so far again.