This weekend has been a bit rough for me. Just having gallbladder surgery was a big part of it, but it was also a lot of thoughts I had . . . of how things should have been instead of how they are.
Saturday was harder on me physically than Friday was. I was a lot more sore and everything I ate (the little I did) upset my stomach. I was also having bouts of dizziness. Because of all this I spent the day upstairs. I didn't want to deal with the stairs to the basement and there is no bathroom down there (bending and getting up are still a little difficult). As I spent longer and longer laying on the couch in our family room I kept thinking this is what I should have been doing anyway. I should be on bed rest with the most movement being going to this couch. If life was the way I wanted it I would still be pregnant. Saturday I would have been . . . should have been 29 weeks. I should still be getting bigger, feeling her move inside me, and telling people what to do in the nursery. I should be updating a registry that I would have done online. I should be starting a scrapbook. So many should bes. Instead I'm recovering from a surgery that I had because I'm no longer pregnant.
My head got kind of stuck in that loop for a lot of the weekend. I put on a good face, but inside I was upset and mad. This isn't the way it was supposed to be. I shouldn't be on this couch because I'm sore because I don't have a gallbladder anymore. I should be on this couch because I'm on bed rest to keep our daughter in for as long as possible. Or in my perfect world nothing would have ever gone wrong and I'd still be living in a world where bad things don't happen in pregnancy after the first trimester.
That's another part of why I've been more upset this weekend. When you have surgery they talk about a lot of things that could go wrong, the risks, beforehand and you feel prepared going in. They also go over recovery. What you should do, when you should be back to normal, all of that. It was such a stark contrast to what we've been through with Madeline. There's no timeline for when we should feel pretty much like ourselves again (and when we should worry if we don't). I say pretty much because I know I'll never feel like the person I was before her. Recovery is a lot more open ended with no specifics, as in this specific thing will make you feel better.
The risks parts also irks me. I know that when you get pregnant you don't want to think about all the things that could go wrong (the number of things that can is mind boggling). You want to be happy and focus on the positive. And for most people that's just fine because everything is lovely. At the end you have a healthy, full term baby to hold in your arms that you get to take home to love and raise. But that's not true for everyone and until I went through it I really didn't have a clue. Sure I had worries in the back of my mind about Madeline possibly being premature, or me developing gestational diabetes or preeclampsia, but that's pretty much it. I'd never heard of an incompetent cervix. I'm not saying my doctor should have given me a laundry list of everything that could possibly go wrong (that would probably end up doing more harm by causing excess worry). However, this is not something that was covered in my pregnancy book. In fact it really didn't talk about things that could go wrong. It made me feel like I was poisoning my baby if I ate a french fry, but nothing about actual things to think about that could go wrong. Again, I know that no one needs excess worry when they're pregnant, but I think there needs to be a balance between living in ignorance and having some knowledge.
I know that even if I'd heard of an incompetent cervix before I found out I had one it would have done no good. There's no way to predict this will happen unless it's happened to you before. But if I had known something about it I might have felt a little more prepared for what needed to be done and what life was going to be like that first little bit. Not that anything can really prepare you of course.
I guess a lot of it boils down to making the decision to be informed yourself. It's my own fault I'd never heard of it (or knew a lot about other problems). I'm still mad at myself for not doing more research. At first I think it was because I was so concerned with getting through the first trimester that once we hit the second I only wanted to be positive. We'd spent that first 12 weeks worrying and hoping and I was ready to be in that happy stage. Once I went into the hospital, however, it was self preservation. I was having a hard enough time trying to stay positive I couldn't look at statistics. So basically I'm the prime example of why a lot of people aren't informed about a lot of the things that can go wrong during pregnancy. I get it. I'm still mad about it, about not being as informed as I should have been.
I don't really have an answer to this dilemma. It really comes down to each person and what they can handle. How much can you learn without dwelling on the what ifs? When is ignorance truly bliss? We each need to find that balance ourselves. I hope that my story hasn't scared any of you about your current or future pregnancy. That's not my intention and I'm so sorry if I have. If it makes someone more informed or feel more prepared then I'll be glad. That's what I wish I'd had . . . at least a feeling of being more prepared.
Thanks for hanging in for this rambling post. I've had all of this on my mind over the weekend and it feels good to get it out. I'm feeling better today (emotionally and physically). I'd been having a lot of good days in a row before all this so I was even more down on myself. But I need to remember that I never know what each day is going to bring and as long as I get through it it's an accomplishment.
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