Tonight, August 6th, I went to my first support group meeting. In our grief folder from the hospital there was a paper about a perinatal bereavement support group that meets the first Tuesday of every month. There is a topic for each meeting, but it's just an outline. You can talk about whatever you need to and share as much or as little as you want.
The first meeting after we lost Madeline was in July, but it was still too raw for me. I didn't go. Tonight was the next one and I decided that even though right now I'm doing pretty well, it would be good to go. If nothing else, it would introduce me to others who have been through something similar. Since it's specifically a perinatal bereavement group the people who come have either had a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, an infant loss or a still birth. So even though I might not meet someone who had an incompetent cervix or lost their child at the same gestational age that I did, they would still be able to relate to the loss I've felt. I also thought it would be good because I would probably meet people who are further out from their loss than me who might have some good advice.
The meeting was at 7pm so Adam couldn't come. Since my mom was coming down for my gallbladder surgery this Thursday she decided to go ahead and come today so she could go with me. It would be good for her too. Plus I knew I would feel more comfortable going the first time with someone. It was also appropriate because the topic for tonight was "How Friends and Family React."
Before we went to the meeting we went to the cemetery to see Madeline. Mom hadn't been yet and she wanted to go. We stopped and got some more flowers for her. They were small purple mums in a self watering plastic pot so they should last for a while. I knew the roses I had left last time would probably be dead by now and I wanted her to have something else. We walked around a bit before making it to her grave. I picked up the old roses and put down the new mums telling her that I loved her (in my head, I thought it might be weird to say it out loud with Mom there . . . and I would probably make us both cry). We stood there for a bit taking in the beauty of the cemetery and then headed out.
I didn't quite know what to expect at or from this meeting. I've never been to anything like this before. The paper said we didn't have to share if we didn't want to (aside from introducing ourselves) so that made me feel better. I wasn't sure I would feel comfortable saying anything this first time. We signed in at the front desk and were told what room to go to. We were the second to arrive. By the time our meeting started there were 5 mothers, 2 grandmothers and 2 grief counselors.
We went around the table introducing ourselves and if we were comfortable, sharing a bit of our story. All of our stories were different, but all heartbreaking. Two of the mothers are approaching a year since they lost their babies. I had the most recent loss. I can't share a lot of our stories or exactly what we talked about, but I can say that I felt a lot better after. I felt more comfortable than I had thought I would and was able to share some feelings and concerns that I haven't really been able to share yet. It was nice to hear the other mothers' advice and encouragement too, especially the ones approaching a year. I could see that while they still have struggles and are still dealing with their loss, they are still here and have found a way to cope and function. It was encouraging to see and hear that. Also to know some of the things I've been feeling are totally normal and they still struggle with helped (even though I thought I was being a bit irrational).
For example: There is someone I'm friends with on facebook that is pregnant (that I haven't talked in years and years). She is due after me but announced waaaaaay before me (almost right away). I was impressed she was so confident so early. But I had to remind myself that she hadn't had a miscarriage so she really had no reason to be as nervous as I was through the entire first trimester. I also had to remind myself that everyone is different and to move on. What works for some doesn't work for others and that is OK. Things she posts about her pregnancy get to me, but overall I've been able to handle it without too much bitterness. I've been seeing posts that she was going to find out the gender soon. I meant to block her but I forgot. As I was scrolling through my newsfeed the other day it hit me in the face. She is having a girl. I felt so much anger in that moment. Why does she get to have a worry free pregnancy with nothing wrong and I don't? What makes me deserve this? Why does she get to have a baby girl and I don't? In all honesty I think I could have handled it better if she had said she was having a boy. It was the gender that really tipped me over the edge. I hate that I feel this way. It's not me. It's not who I am really. But right now it is.
The mothers I met tonight helped me in so many ways in just the hour and a half we were together. It was nice to talk to someone who can sympathize. I truly appreciate everyone who has been there for me that can empathize, please don't misunderstand. I wouldn't be where I am right now without all of you. But there is something to being able to share with someone who has experienced the loss you have. Their advice meant a lot too. One of them suggested finding a safe place (like your garage or backyard), laying down a tablecloth, getting some cheap plates (Goodwill here I come!) and smashing them to get some anger out. It seems so simple, but I hadn't thought of it and it does sound amazing. That's the trouble with the anger Adam and I are feeling, we can't direct it at anything. It's no one's fault, so we can't focus it at someone (although I have been focusing a lot of it at my cervix . . . it has one job, just one and it can't do that properly. The heart has to do a lot more not to mention the brain . . . the cervix just has to stay closed until the baby is full term and ready to be born. Stupid cervix.). We're just kind of mad at the universe in general. Having some more outlets (we've both been using exercise thus far) would be good.
Talking, especially in a group setting, may not be for everyone, but it was good for me tonight. I went to this meeting not sure I would go to another one. Tonight when I got home I programmed all the meetings for the rest of the year into the calendar on my phone. Knowing I can have a place every month to let things out, ask questions and get advice from people with experience is a relief. Next month's topic is "Future Pregnancy" and while I know we're not there yet, it's something we've both already been thinking (and worrying) about. So here's to support groups, something I never thought I'd need but am glad are there.
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