Anger

Anger is something that has been hard for me (and Adam) to come to grips with.  We're both so mad and angry that this happened but we really have nowhere to place that anger.  Not to mention all the "why us?" questions.  It basically boils down to "bad things happen" and sometimes that is just not good enough.

I can't be mad at my doctors.  They were wonderful and did everything they could.  My high risk doctor did the cerclage even though he thought it wouldn't work for as long as we needed it to because he knew how important it was to us to try.  They were always straight forward and went through options and scenarios with us.  We were informed and made decisions accordingly.  It just didn't turn out the way any of us wanted.

I can't be mad at my nurses.  They were a spot of light in that dark time in the hospital.  They were all nurturing, concerned and provided the highest level of care I could ever ask for.  They treated me as a specific person not just a patient.  They knew how scared I was and they never made light of it but tried to help me stay positive.

I can't be mad at Adam (even though I know I take it out on him sometimes and I appreciate and love him for it).  He did nothing to cause this.  He was with me every step of the way.  He lost his daughter too.  We're both going through this.

I can't be mad at anyone in our families.  They didn't do anything to cause this.  They were there for us at the time and since.  We've gotten nothing but love and support.

I can't be mad at any of my friends.  They didn't do anything to cause this.  They've been so supportive and kind.  There for us in ways we all never thought any of would have to be.

I want to say I can't be mad at myself.  But that's harder said than done.  I know it isn't my fault logically.  I know I didn't cause this.  I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent this (with the knowledge we had at the time).  But it's my body that failed.  Ok, not my whole body . . . specifically my cervix.  Madeline was fine the whole time.  She was strong.  She was very active and had a strong heartbeat . . . she was in a different spot each time they tried to find it.  If I could have kept her in longer she would have been fine.  But my cervix failed and she paid the price.  So I do place some of my anger at myself . . . and my cervix deserves it.  It sucks at its job.

It's just not fair.  I know life isn't fair.  But she didn't even get a chance.  Why did she have to pay for what's wrong with my body?  Why did this happen to us?  What have we ever done to deserve this?  Why don't we get to go through a healthy pregnancy?  Why don't we get a healthy baby?

So basically we're just mad at the universe and that means we sometimes take it out on those around us.  I'm sorry if that's been you at some point.  We're both finding ways to channel our anger, but it's still hard.  When you don't have something to specifically blame (besides a body part which only goes so far) it's difficult.  So again, sorry if I've been short or vented my anger at you.  I'm finding healthier ways to deal with it (I'm going to Goodwill soon to get those plates to break and once I'm healed from surgery I'll get back to my C25K).  Someday I won't be so mad at the world. If anyone has any other ideas about how to channel anger I'm all ears.