Today is 2 months. 2 months since Madeline was born. 2 months since she died. 2 months since my life changed for ever. 2 months since I felt my heart break in two. 2 months I've been trying to pick up the pieces and continue on.
It's still so surreal. I sometimes still can't really believe this is my life. I suppose a part of me will always feel that way. It feels like it's been so much longer than 2 months because surely everything I've felt can't have fit into such a small amount of time. Yet at the same time it feels like it just happened. It's hard to describe. Maybe as time goes on I'll be able to better put it into words. For now all I can say is that it's been forever and no time all at once.
It's been a weird day. It's been at the back of my mind all day . . . just under the surface. I avoided looking at calendars in the hope I could maybe just forget what today was. It worked for a little while. I've had some bad moments throughout the day, but it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. Of course today is the day we mailed the approved copy of Madeline's marker back to the monument company. I'm happy with the way it turned out. Hopefully I'll still feel that way in 60-90 days when it's been placed on her grave.
Today I also called to make the appointment for the test on my uterus (to make sure it's shaped correctly). How fitting. It will happen Thursday or Friday, they'll let me know tomorrow. I'm trying not to be nervous, but it's a bit difficult at times. Part of me thinks so much bad has happened surely something else bad can't happen? But then I'm reminded life isn't fair, so that's not a logical line of thought. Deep down I feel like it will probably come back normal, but until I know for sure it's just going to hang there niggling at me.
Like I said, it's been a weird day for me. I think because of all the emotional upheaval of the past week today was a little easier on me. I let a lot of it out over the weekend and when today came it didn't sting as much as I had expected it to. Which of course gives me mixed emotions. I should be glad that overall it wasn't an awful day. That's good for me and good for everyone around me. But then I feel guilty. I should be torn to pieces all day. So much conflict in my head. But then I remember that just because I don't cry all day doesn't mean I miss her any less. Or that I'm any less upset that she's gone. Or that she should still be inside me (for 2 months in fact). It just means that on this particular day I could keep the grief under control. I'll still have days (and moments during days) that I won't be able to. Both are normal and fine. I keep going and that's what matters.
As someone who struggles with major guilt, please don't feel guilty for feeling whatever you do feel. You will have days and moments of sadness and that is normal. It is important that you keep going, you had that part 100% right. Amanda, you are so strong. I always looked up to you in high school. You inspired me to be a better musician. Now you inspire me to be a better person.
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