Today is 9 months. It's starting to sink in how close to a year we're getting. In only 3 months it will be Madeline's birthday and a year since we lost her. It's still all very surreal at this point. Time continues to be a funny thing, making it seem like forever ago and yesterday all at the same time depending on the day or time.
Today hasn't been too bad. I've thought about it, but it didn't consume my entire day. I think there are several reasons for this. The first is that I started officially seeing a counselor this week. I was nervous about this experience as I've never done this before. We'd emailed but we were meeting in person and officially starting this process. Despite my worries it was a good experience. We mainly just got to know each other and determined what I needed the most help with in future sessions. I felt very comfortable with her and there were several times when I tried to describe something I had felt or how I dealt with something and she was able to put it into words that were so right and what I'd been looking for. I'm going to be seeing her fairly regularly in the next couple months to learn some tools and get myself to a better place emotionally. This little girl will be here before we know it and I want to be in a better place before she gets here. She deserves a Mom who can be as together emotionally as possible. Having this baby on the outside is going to bring a lot more emotional stress and anxiety but with the tools I learn and knowing I have someone to go to, hopefully I won't fall into old habits and will be able to have a better handle on myself.
The other part is that my emotions with this pregnancy are a little better. We've made it past where I was with Madeline when I went into the hospital and nothing has happened. I had a lot of anxiety about getting to this point but so far so good. There have been no indications that anything is going to happen. I feel the same now as I did a week ago. I haven't had any symptoms to indicate my cervix is trying to open. The baby continues to be active and Adam has started talking to her every day. Hopefully he'll be able to feel her soon too. There have been a couple times I thought someone might be able to feel her from the outside but unfortunately he's been at work. Soon the timing will work out.
It's been easier for me to focus on the good things instead of the bad today and that's a good thing. I still miss and love Madeline, but the grief wasn't all consuming today. As we get closer to a year I know that is likely to change, but for now I'll take today. A day I was able to think of Madeline fondly and not fall into the depths of grief that sometimes consume me.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
21 Weeks Pregnant
March 22
Today I'm 21 weeks pregnant. I went to the hospital with Madeline at exactly 21 weeks. It's something that I had been avoiding thinking about, but for the past few days it's been at the forefront of my mind. I know logically that the odds of something happening at the exact same time with this pregnancy as it did with Madeline are very low, but emotionally it's hard to separate. I also have a stitch this time and last time I didn't. But again, logical thinking and emotional thinking are two separate animals. I spent a lot of yesterday dreading the night and constantly checking myself to make sure things were OK.
It was very early in the morning when things went bad with Madeline. Due to my obsessive checking and worrying I didn't sleep well at all last night. Once it was past 3am I felt a little better. We went to the hospital with Madeline around 2am. It's not magic, but in my head it made me feel better to know I'd made it past that point and things were still OK. Feeling our daughter move was comforting too. Even though that has no effect on my cervix knowing she was still doing OK helped.
I also know making it past 21 weeks also doesn't mean everything is going to be perfect from here on out. In fact, I know that until I make it past 22 weeks 4 days I'll still be nervous. Then after that everything about pregnancy will be brand new and that freaks me out too. The good thing is that August 2nd is getting closer every day. Each day we make it through is closer to the goal. It also helps that in a little over a couple weeks I'll have another ultrasound to check my cervix again. I'll be over 23 weeks and into new territory. It will be a truer test to me of what my cervix is going to do.
Today I'm 21 weeks pregnant. I went to the hospital with Madeline at exactly 21 weeks. It's something that I had been avoiding thinking about, but for the past few days it's been at the forefront of my mind. I know logically that the odds of something happening at the exact same time with this pregnancy as it did with Madeline are very low, but emotionally it's hard to separate. I also have a stitch this time and last time I didn't. But again, logical thinking and emotional thinking are two separate animals. I spent a lot of yesterday dreading the night and constantly checking myself to make sure things were OK.
It was very early in the morning when things went bad with Madeline. Due to my obsessive checking and worrying I didn't sleep well at all last night. Once it was past 3am I felt a little better. We went to the hospital with Madeline around 2am. It's not magic, but in my head it made me feel better to know I'd made it past that point and things were still OK. Feeling our daughter move was comforting too. Even though that has no effect on my cervix knowing she was still doing OK helped.
I also know making it past 21 weeks also doesn't mean everything is going to be perfect from here on out. In fact, I know that until I make it past 22 weeks 4 days I'll still be nervous. Then after that everything about pregnancy will be brand new and that freaks me out too. The good thing is that August 2nd is getting closer every day. Each day we make it through is closer to the goal. It also helps that in a little over a couple weeks I'll have another ultrasound to check my cervix again. I'll be over 23 weeks and into new territory. It will be a truer test to me of what my cervix is going to do.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
The Office of Vital Statistics
March 18
Today I went to the office of vital statistics in Frankfort to get copies of Madeline's birth and death certificates. We need them to get our taxes done. I had planned to request them last Fall so they could just mail them, but I could never bring myself to do it. It takes 4-6 weeks (according to their paperwork) to get them in the mail and at this point that's too long, so I had to go in person. In all honesty I've been putting it off. I didn't want to do it. But with April 15th quickly approaching I had no choice. It's actually a good thing because without the deadline I would have kept putting it off.
The experience wasn't awful. Not great, but not awful. You fill out the forms for what you're requesting and then turn them in and wait. The birth certificate form was easy and all information I knew off the top of my head. The death certificate form was more difficult. They wanted to know the attending physician and the funeral home (along with address). I wasn't sure if the attending physician would be the doctor who delivered her or the high risk doctor who took her to officially confirm she no longer had a heartbeat. I just put both down. As for the funeral home, we have that information, but I didn't know I'd need it (in hind sight I maybe should have, it makes sense) so I didn't bring it with me. I called the hospital to talk to the nurse who runs our support group and ask her. Luckily she was working and told me which one it was (they use the same one for all of the babies that they bury). I'm thankful she was able to help. They most likely could have still found it without that information, but it may have taken longer.
In all I was probably there for 45 minutes to an hour. It wasn't bad. The office itself is kind of dark and depressing, but I was already in a reserved mood so it didn't really matter. Overall it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was more surreal than anything. It was hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I was picking up the birth and death certificates of my daughter. There was a part of each form asking for the relationship of the person requesting the form to the person on the form. I wrote "Mother." It's the first time I've written that on a form. I've thought of myself as a mother and have written it in this blog, but never in something official. It's hard to describe the feeling that came over me as I wrote it. Especially thinking about the fact that I'm pregnant with Madeline's little sister too. I tried to disconnect myself from the process for the most part to protect myself emotionally, but I couldn't block anything out when I wrote "Mother."
I'm glad that overall it wasn't too bad (I think part of that is also because it wasn't so soon after she died, back in the Fall I wouldn't have been able to go in person) and that it's done. Now we have copies for our taxes and for ourselves in case we ever need it again.
Today I went to the office of vital statistics in Frankfort to get copies of Madeline's birth and death certificates. We need them to get our taxes done. I had planned to request them last Fall so they could just mail them, but I could never bring myself to do it. It takes 4-6 weeks (according to their paperwork) to get them in the mail and at this point that's too long, so I had to go in person. In all honesty I've been putting it off. I didn't want to do it. But with April 15th quickly approaching I had no choice. It's actually a good thing because without the deadline I would have kept putting it off.
The experience wasn't awful. Not great, but not awful. You fill out the forms for what you're requesting and then turn them in and wait. The birth certificate form was easy and all information I knew off the top of my head. The death certificate form was more difficult. They wanted to know the attending physician and the funeral home (along with address). I wasn't sure if the attending physician would be the doctor who delivered her or the high risk doctor who took her to officially confirm she no longer had a heartbeat. I just put both down. As for the funeral home, we have that information, but I didn't know I'd need it (in hind sight I maybe should have, it makes sense) so I didn't bring it with me. I called the hospital to talk to the nurse who runs our support group and ask her. Luckily she was working and told me which one it was (they use the same one for all of the babies that they bury). I'm thankful she was able to help. They most likely could have still found it without that information, but it may have taken longer.
In all I was probably there for 45 minutes to an hour. It wasn't bad. The office itself is kind of dark and depressing, but I was already in a reserved mood so it didn't really matter. Overall it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was more surreal than anything. It was hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I was picking up the birth and death certificates of my daughter. There was a part of each form asking for the relationship of the person requesting the form to the person on the form. I wrote "Mother." It's the first time I've written that on a form. I've thought of myself as a mother and have written it in this blog, but never in something official. It's hard to describe the feeling that came over me as I wrote it. Especially thinking about the fact that I'm pregnant with Madeline's little sister too. I tried to disconnect myself from the process for the most part to protect myself emotionally, but I couldn't block anything out when I wrote "Mother."
I'm glad that overall it wasn't too bad (I think part of that is also because it wasn't so soon after she died, back in the Fall I wouldn't have been able to go in person) and that it's done. Now we have copies for our taxes and for ourselves in case we ever need it again.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Regular OBGYN Appointment 4
March 6
Today was my monthly appointment with my regular OBGYN. It was another early morning and nothing special happening (since the 20 week ultrasound will be with the high risk doctor) so I went by myself. My doctor wasn't there this week so I saw someone else in the practice, but that was fine. She was nice as well.
They found the baby's heartbeat quickly which was a relief as always. The waiting (especially after a month of not hearing it) is always hard. Hearing it makes me feel better instantly. She asked if I'd felt movement yet and I said I was pretty sure I had. Based on my ultrasounds the placenta is in the back so she said it was very likely I was. It gave me that extra boost of confidence that movement was what I was really feeling. Now I won't second guess myself. Funnily enough after all my second guessing this evening the baby moved a lot and it was unmistakeable.
I have my 20 week ultrasound next week with the high risk doctor. If everything looks good I won't need to go back there until the stitch comes out between 36 and 37 weeks. I'll just have my appointments with my regular doctor. Everything is continuing to go well so far. Let's hope it continues.
Today was my monthly appointment with my regular OBGYN. It was another early morning and nothing special happening (since the 20 week ultrasound will be with the high risk doctor) so I went by myself. My doctor wasn't there this week so I saw someone else in the practice, but that was fine. She was nice as well.
They found the baby's heartbeat quickly which was a relief as always. The waiting (especially after a month of not hearing it) is always hard. Hearing it makes me feel better instantly. She asked if I'd felt movement yet and I said I was pretty sure I had. Based on my ultrasounds the placenta is in the back so she said it was very likely I was. It gave me that extra boost of confidence that movement was what I was really feeling. Now I won't second guess myself. Funnily enough after all my second guessing this evening the baby moved a lot and it was unmistakeable.
I have my 20 week ultrasound next week with the high risk doctor. If everything looks good I won't need to go back there until the stitch comes out between 36 and 37 weeks. I'll just have my appointments with my regular doctor. Everything is continuing to go well so far. Let's hope it continues.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
It's A . . .
GIRL!
Today (March 13th) I had my 20 week ultrasound with the high risk doctor's practice. Adam and I have been alternately nervous and excited waiting for this day. We could bring two other people back with us so both of our Moms came down to be there and see the ultrasound too.
I'm still amazed by the ultrasound techs. Ours today was very nice (as they always are) and pointed out what she was looking for but without that help a lot of times I would have no idea. After looking over all the organs and lots of skeleton she and the doctor said everything was looking good. The baby is breech right now so we were worried we might not be able to find out gender, but in the end she cooperated. She also kept trying to grab her toes which made it difficult to see all the chambers of her heart so they're going to check that again at my next appointment. But we did get to hear her strong heartbeat which always makes my day. They also looked at my cervix and it is still closed and long. At this point it was with Madeline too, but I'll take any good news. I'm scheduled to go back in a month to check the stitch and my cervix again to make sure it's still looking good. At that point I'll be further along than I was with Madeline so it'll be a true test to see how my cervix is going to cooperate. If my cervix does start to open the stitch should keep her in longer and I'll be put on bed rest. Hopefully it won't come to that, but I feel better knowing there's a plan. I also feel better knowing they're going to be checking my cervix at my appointments too. I like to think that I'd notice beginning signs that it might be opening, but I didn't before. All of a sudden things went from fine to awful. It makes me feel better to know they'll be checking so hopefully we'll be able to catch if something starts to look wrong and take measures to make it better.
Nobody has really asked me how I would feel if we were having another girl, but I've thought about it a lot since we found out I was pregnant. After everything we've been through I just want a healthy, happy baby. Either gender was fine with me. I could think of pros and cons both ways as far as my emotional health for the rest of the pregnancy. When they told us during the ultrasound I can honestly say I was happy. That was my biggest concern. That I would be so worried about comparing this time to last time I wouldn't let myself be happy. Luckily that wasn't the case. We were all happy and excited. I like that our daughter will be able to use some of the things we'd gotten for her sister. It will be another way for us to remember her. We won't be able to do that with everything, but definitely some things.
After the appointment we all went out to eat (my sister-in-law came too even though she couldn't come back to the ultrasound, but I'm glad she was here to share in the good news). Afterwards Adam had to go to work and the rest of us went out to do a little baby shopping/looking. I really hadn't been to any baby stores yet, but I felt ready to today. We didn't really buy much, mainly just looked around and enjoyed the experience. It was nice to be there and be happy. I still thought about Madeline while we were in there and compared last time to this time, but it didn't cut me to the core like it used to.
In the evening Mom and I met one of my brothers, his wife, one of his sons and Meme for dinner. It was nice to see all of them and share the news. When I told Meme she give me a big smile and her face lit up. It was nice to see her so happy.
This evening after settling in back home I finally went through the box that had clothes I had bought for Madeline with my Mom. I'd been putting it off until we knew this baby's gender because I thought it might make it easier. I think it did. Looking through the clothes now, I was able to think about them as hand me downs from a big sister to a little sister. There are a few things that won't be handed down because I associated them especially with Madeline or the size and season won't work, but most of them we'll be able to see this daughter wear. Going through that box is something I've been dreading and I'm relieved it was better than I had expected.
Overall it has been a wonderful day. I was excited about knowing, but at the same time had been nervous worrying about what my gut reaction was going to be. I'm glad that I was able to be positive and let myself be happy. I've spent a lot of time worrying this pregnancy (and will most likely spend a lot more as August approaches), but today was a day to just be happy. Our daughter is developing like she should. I'm healthy and my body is thus far doing what it's supposed to to keep her in. That's all a win in my book.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
PAL Support Group March
March 5
This morning was my Pregnancy After Loss support group. We had another person this month so that was nice. She isn't currently pregnant, but recently had her baby after losing her first. It was nice to hear her story and see that despite her concerns it turned out fine. That's one of the best things about this group for me, talking about our various concerns (that mostly just sound paranoid) and not feeling like a crazy person. I know shopping for this baby won't have any effect on the outcome, but it's a hurdle I have trouble with. I'd only been shopping for Madeline for a week before I was in the hospital. It's hard not to think of that. It was a good meeting and I left feeling relaxed and more at ease.
In the evening I met with three of the women I met at the regular support group for dinner. It was really nice to meet outside of group and spend some time getting to know one another aside from the reason we met. We've become a support to each other outside of group and I'm so glad it turned out that way. They are all amazing women and I'm glad to be getting to know them better and have their support and encouragement.
This morning was my Pregnancy After Loss support group. We had another person this month so that was nice. She isn't currently pregnant, but recently had her baby after losing her first. It was nice to hear her story and see that despite her concerns it turned out fine. That's one of the best things about this group for me, talking about our various concerns (that mostly just sound paranoid) and not feeling like a crazy person. I know shopping for this baby won't have any effect on the outcome, but it's a hurdle I have trouble with. I'd only been shopping for Madeline for a week before I was in the hospital. It's hard not to think of that. It was a good meeting and I left feeling relaxed and more at ease.
In the evening I met with three of the women I met at the regular support group for dinner. It was really nice to meet outside of group and spend some time getting to know one another aside from the reason we met. We've become a support to each other outside of group and I'm so glad it turned out that way. They are all amazing women and I'm glad to be getting to know them better and have their support and encouragement.
Support Group March
March 4
Tonight was my support group meeting. It moved from it's regular place to the hospital due to weather, but at least it wasn't cancelled this month. At first it looked like it was just going to be myself and our leader. I told her if it ended up being that way we could leave. The PAL group was going to be the next day anyway. But luckily someone else came. It was her first meeting and I was glad that she wasn't alone and it didn't get cancelled.
The meeting went well and it gave me such a relief afterwards as it always does. Even though our stories are always different, it's still so comforting to be able to share with someone who you know understands. Something I took away from this meeting that I'm going to try and remember is using the qualifier "at least" when talking to someone who has experienced loss and is going through grief (not just in a situation like mine, in general). It's something you don't really think about and it's always meant as comfort, but it can sometimes come across as belittling. It depends on the person. But it's something I'd never really thought about before and in the future I'm going to do my best to truly think before I speak. Sometimes saying "I'm sorry" or "I'm sorry for your loss" is enough. Knowing you care means more than words you're trying to come up with to fill space.
Tonight was my support group meeting. It moved from it's regular place to the hospital due to weather, but at least it wasn't cancelled this month. At first it looked like it was just going to be myself and our leader. I told her if it ended up being that way we could leave. The PAL group was going to be the next day anyway. But luckily someone else came. It was her first meeting and I was glad that she wasn't alone and it didn't get cancelled.
The meeting went well and it gave me such a relief afterwards as it always does. Even though our stories are always different, it's still so comforting to be able to share with someone who you know understands. Something I took away from this meeting that I'm going to try and remember is using the qualifier "at least" when talking to someone who has experienced loss and is going through grief (not just in a situation like mine, in general). It's something you don't really think about and it's always meant as comfort, but it can sometimes come across as belittling. It depends on the person. But it's something I'd never really thought about before and in the future I'm going to do my best to truly think before I speak. Sometimes saying "I'm sorry" or "I'm sorry for your loss" is enough. Knowing you care means more than words you're trying to come up with to fill space.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Regular OBGYN Appointment 3
Feb. 6
Today I had my monthly appointment with my regular OBGYN. It was early in the morning and was just a normal appointment so I went by myself so Adam could get enough sleep.
It went fine. I had to wait a long time but once I got back there it went quickly. The nurse used the doppler and was able to find the baby's heartbeat almost right away (thank goodness). My doctor came in and said everything looked good from what she got from the high risk doctor. I asked her about the progesterone and she agreed with our decision not to take it. She agreed the research didn't show a signifcant gain to taking it along with having a cerclage. I don't have any restrictions (aside from normal pregnancy ones) and if things keep going like they have been this should be a "normal" pregnancy.
Next month I'll have another regular appointment with her since I'll be have the anatomy scan with the high risk group (no need to do it twice). So far so good. Hopefully it will continue. As I was getting my stuff together she noticed my TARDIS phone cover and confessed her love of Doctor Who and British TV. Yet another reason for me to love my doctor.
Today I had my monthly appointment with my regular OBGYN. It was early in the morning and was just a normal appointment so I went by myself so Adam could get enough sleep.
It went fine. I had to wait a long time but once I got back there it went quickly. The nurse used the doppler and was able to find the baby's heartbeat almost right away (thank goodness). My doctor came in and said everything looked good from what she got from the high risk doctor. I asked her about the progesterone and she agreed with our decision not to take it. She agreed the research didn't show a signifcant gain to taking it along with having a cerclage. I don't have any restrictions (aside from normal pregnancy ones) and if things keep going like they have been this should be a "normal" pregnancy.
Next month I'll have another regular appointment with her since I'll be have the anatomy scan with the high risk group (no need to do it twice). So far so good. Hopefully it will continue. As I was getting my stuff together she noticed my TARDIS phone cover and confessed her love of Doctor Who and British TV. Yet another reason for me to love my doctor.
Pregnancy After Loss Support Group February
We had our first meeting for this PAL support group. They're going to be the first Wednesday of every month from 10:30am-12pm at Baptist in one of their meeting rooms. The woman who runs the other support group can't do another evening so they will be during the day. I wasn't sure what to expect but it was a good meeting. We mostly talked about what we wanted to get out of the group and topics for each month to focus on. Some will be the same or similar to the other group, but there are going to be a lot that are specific for our group. There were only 2 of us and another nurse besides our leader, but the weather was pretty bad (our other support group meeting had been canceled the night before due to weather). Hopefully the next group will have some others but if not it will still be good.
Afterwards I went out to lunch with my fellow attendee. It was nice to talk and get to know each other outside of group. Hopefully we'll be able to do so in the future as well.
First Trimester Thoughts
I'm just going to use this post to add thoughts as they come. That way I won't make a post for every time I think "this can't really be happening yet right?"
I'm still in shock to be honest. It's not that I don't want this baby, it's just that I never thought it would happen this soon. I should have known better, but I just had in my head that it would take a while, maybe even a year. Having it happen differently is still something I'm wrapping my head around. I think for now I'm going to live in a bit if not full denial. I'll still take care of myself of course, but I don't know that I can truly think about and accept everything right now and still be able to function.
Adam and I have talked a bit about when we want to tell people. It's a harder decision than it should be. I know logically telling people has no effect on what will happen, but it's still hard after everything we've been through. I think we're going to tell our families at Christmas. It'll still be early but it'll be nice to have happy news. If anything bad happens at least we will have had that happiness for a bit. Plus it's always been a dream to tell our family about being pregnant at a big family gathering, especially Christmas. I don't want to deny myself that just because I'm nervous and scared. Whatever decision we make will be right. The only thing we know for sure is that we want to wait until after the cerclage to make a public announcement. I'll feel more confident then.
Christmas. What a jumble of emotions. But I'll write a separate post about that. It's long enough to need one.
I'm still in denial. I don't know how to process what I'm feeling. I'm happy. We're so lucky that I was able to get pregnant again (and with very little effort which was so surprising). But I'm terrified. Am I ready to handle all of this? Will my body be able to? Will we make it through the first trimester? If my cervix shortens early will the cerclage keep it shut long enough to ensure our baby is OK? What if something goes wrong? How will I handle it? I don't know if I'm ready to handle something bad again. And then I feel guilty because it's not this baby's fault that we lost Madeline causing me to be nervous and in denial right now. I know it'll get better, I just want to get there already.
I'm so glad the cerclage is scheduled. I know it's not going to magically make everything better, but it will hopefully help me get over a bit of my emotional block. I want to be able to allow myself to be excited, but it's just hard. I'm not ready to have my heart ripped out again. Hopefully I won't, but I can't get it out of my head.
I'm still in shock to be honest. It's not that I don't want this baby, it's just that I never thought it would happen this soon. I should have known better, but I just had in my head that it would take a while, maybe even a year. Having it happen differently is still something I'm wrapping my head around. I think for now I'm going to live in a bit if not full denial. I'll still take care of myself of course, but I don't know that I can truly think about and accept everything right now and still be able to function.
Adam and I have talked a bit about when we want to tell people. It's a harder decision than it should be. I know logically telling people has no effect on what will happen, but it's still hard after everything we've been through. I think we're going to tell our families at Christmas. It'll still be early but it'll be nice to have happy news. If anything bad happens at least we will have had that happiness for a bit. Plus it's always been a dream to tell our family about being pregnant at a big family gathering, especially Christmas. I don't want to deny myself that just because I'm nervous and scared. Whatever decision we make will be right. The only thing we know for sure is that we want to wait until after the cerclage to make a public announcement. I'll feel more confident then.
Christmas. What a jumble of emotions. But I'll write a separate post about that. It's long enough to need one.
I'm still in denial. I don't know how to process what I'm feeling. I'm happy. We're so lucky that I was able to get pregnant again (and with very little effort which was so surprising). But I'm terrified. Am I ready to handle all of this? Will my body be able to? Will we make it through the first trimester? If my cervix shortens early will the cerclage keep it shut long enough to ensure our baby is OK? What if something goes wrong? How will I handle it? I don't know if I'm ready to handle something bad again. And then I feel guilty because it's not this baby's fault that we lost Madeline causing me to be nervous and in denial right now. I know it'll get better, I just want to get there already.
I'm so glad the cerclage is scheduled. I know it's not going to magically make everything better, but it will hopefully help me get over a bit of my emotional block. I want to be able to allow myself to be excited, but it's just hard. I'm not ready to have my heart ripped out again. Hopefully I won't, but I can't get it out of my head.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Cerclage Follow Up
Jan. 30
Today we had the follow up at the high risk doctor for my cerclage. We ended up seeing the third doctor in the practice this time. It was nice to have been able to see all of them and now we had another party to ask about the continuation of the progesterone.
They did an ultrasound to check the stitch and the baby. Both looked great. He tried to point out on the TV screen (the feed from the machine goes to a TV screen that the patient and any others can see) where the stitch is but it was hard for me to see. He was satisfied though so that was good enough for us. My cervix in general was still looking good and long. He said looking at it now you'd never guess I had problems before (of course last time it still looked good at this point too, but I'll take what I can get). The baby still looks good and was moving around again. We could see even more detail this time.
We asked him about his opinion on progesterone. He said he was in the middle. If he strongly felt one way or another he would tell us to go that way, but the research doesn't strongly support one or the other. We decided to just stick with the cerclage. The less irritation around my cervix the better I think. If at some point they think it's needed we'll do that, but for now I feel good about our decision. If the doctor we had with Madeline thought it wasn't needed that was good enough for us. We trust him.
I'll continue with regular appointments at my regular OBGYN and won't come back to the high risk practice until the 20 week anatomy ultrasound. That's scheduled for mid March. We'll find out the sex of the baby and make sure all of the organs, body parts, placenta and umbilical chord are as they should be. It seems far away, but this past week has already flown by so it'll be here before we know it.
Today we had the follow up at the high risk doctor for my cerclage. We ended up seeing the third doctor in the practice this time. It was nice to have been able to see all of them and now we had another party to ask about the continuation of the progesterone.
They did an ultrasound to check the stitch and the baby. Both looked great. He tried to point out on the TV screen (the feed from the machine goes to a TV screen that the patient and any others can see) where the stitch is but it was hard for me to see. He was satisfied though so that was good enough for us. My cervix in general was still looking good and long. He said looking at it now you'd never guess I had problems before (of course last time it still looked good at this point too, but I'll take what I can get). The baby still looks good and was moving around again. We could see even more detail this time.
We asked him about his opinion on progesterone. He said he was in the middle. If he strongly felt one way or another he would tell us to go that way, but the research doesn't strongly support one or the other. We decided to just stick with the cerclage. The less irritation around my cervix the better I think. If at some point they think it's needed we'll do that, but for now I feel good about our decision. If the doctor we had with Madeline thought it wasn't needed that was good enough for us. We trust him.
I'll continue with regular appointments at my regular OBGYN and won't come back to the high risk practice until the 20 week anatomy ultrasound. That's scheduled for mid March. We'll find out the sex of the baby and make sure all of the organs, body parts, placenta and umbilical chord are as they should be. It seems far away, but this past week has already flown by so it'll be here before we know it.
Cerclage
Thursday January 23, 2014
Today I had the cerclage. Everything went well so hopefully this will be the hardest thing to go through (I can hope right?). My mom came down yesterday so she could be there with Adam today and is going to stay for a week. I'm not on any restrictions besides regular pregnancy restrictions but they said to take it easy for the first week. It'll be nice to have her company and help.
We had to be at the hospital to register at 7:30 am. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping and last night was no exception. I managed a couple hours before we had to get up to leave. We went up to the second floor (labor and delivery) to register because I was having surgery in the same ORs as last time (the have 2 on the L&D floor). Once I was registered we were taken back to one of the recovery rooms (the same one as last time . . . of course). I changed into the lovely hospital gown and my nurse started all of my intake paperwork and got my IV started.
As we were waiting for the doctor to arrive and get things going for my surgery at 9am, the nurse who runs our support group came back to see me. She works at the hospital and happened to be working today so she was able to visit for a bit. It made the whole experience so much better. Seeing a familiar face that I trust made me less anxious. Plus the nurse who was assigned to me already knew a bit about me because our support group leader told her and that was nice too. She was extra sensitive about why I was there.
Once the doctor got there and the OR was ready I put my hair cap on and was wheeled into the operating room (the same one as last time . . . at least I have better memories this time). Once I got on the table they gave me the spinal block. Even though I knew what to expect from last time it was still an odd experience. Feeling your whole lower half go numb is just weird. The surgery itself didn't take too long. I could feel the doctor working around (pressure) but the spinal block worked just fine so I didn't feel any pain. Once she was done and they moved me back to the regular bed she told me everything went fine and I had plenty of cervix to work with so everything should be good from here on out.
They took me back to recovery (and Mom and Adam) where I spent the next several hours waiting for my legs to wake back up. The rest of the time in the hospital was pretty uneventful (which is good). Mostly just laying in bed, eating lunch (to make sure I could keep it down) and periodically trying to move my legs and feet. Once I had enough feeling back to try and walk the nurse helped me out of bed and to the bathroom (another milestone to pass before I could leave). After I accomplished the final task they paged my doctor so I could be discharged.
She came back to talk to us and reiterated that the surgery went well and my cervix was plenty long (no shortening). She said to rest the next day and take it easy for the following week but after that I could go back to normal. I should expect some spotting over the next few days but tapering off by Monday. I don't have any restrictions other than normal pregnancy ones. She seemed confident that based on doing the cerclage now and that my cervix was still long I shouldn't need to worry about bed rest or anything. So we'll see. I have a follow up in a week to check and make sure it's still looking good but after that I should have a "normal pregnancy." They might put me on progesterone again, but we'll talk about it next Thursday. One doctor didn't recommend it and the other did.
After I got the go ahead from the doctor they took my IV out, went over paperwork, I got dressed and then we were able to leave. We headed home around 3pm. I've spent the rest of the day laying on the couch, chatting with Mom and watching Harry Potter. Taking it easy as instructed. I've had some soreness but it hasn't been too awful. Here's hoping the next few days lead to more healing leading to a positive check up on Thursday.
Today I had the cerclage. Everything went well so hopefully this will be the hardest thing to go through (I can hope right?). My mom came down yesterday so she could be there with Adam today and is going to stay for a week. I'm not on any restrictions besides regular pregnancy restrictions but they said to take it easy for the first week. It'll be nice to have her company and help.
We had to be at the hospital to register at 7:30 am. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping and last night was no exception. I managed a couple hours before we had to get up to leave. We went up to the second floor (labor and delivery) to register because I was having surgery in the same ORs as last time (the have 2 on the L&D floor). Once I was registered we were taken back to one of the recovery rooms (the same one as last time . . . of course). I changed into the lovely hospital gown and my nurse started all of my intake paperwork and got my IV started.
As we were waiting for the doctor to arrive and get things going for my surgery at 9am, the nurse who runs our support group came back to see me. She works at the hospital and happened to be working today so she was able to visit for a bit. It made the whole experience so much better. Seeing a familiar face that I trust made me less anxious. Plus the nurse who was assigned to me already knew a bit about me because our support group leader told her and that was nice too. She was extra sensitive about why I was there.
Once the doctor got there and the OR was ready I put my hair cap on and was wheeled into the operating room (the same one as last time . . . at least I have better memories this time). Once I got on the table they gave me the spinal block. Even though I knew what to expect from last time it was still an odd experience. Feeling your whole lower half go numb is just weird. The surgery itself didn't take too long. I could feel the doctor working around (pressure) but the spinal block worked just fine so I didn't feel any pain. Once she was done and they moved me back to the regular bed she told me everything went fine and I had plenty of cervix to work with so everything should be good from here on out.
They took me back to recovery (and Mom and Adam) where I spent the next several hours waiting for my legs to wake back up. The rest of the time in the hospital was pretty uneventful (which is good). Mostly just laying in bed, eating lunch (to make sure I could keep it down) and periodically trying to move my legs and feet. Once I had enough feeling back to try and walk the nurse helped me out of bed and to the bathroom (another milestone to pass before I could leave). After I accomplished the final task they paged my doctor so I could be discharged.
She came back to talk to us and reiterated that the surgery went well and my cervix was plenty long (no shortening). She said to rest the next day and take it easy for the following week but after that I could go back to normal. I should expect some spotting over the next few days but tapering off by Monday. I don't have any restrictions other than normal pregnancy ones. She seemed confident that based on doing the cerclage now and that my cervix was still long I shouldn't need to worry about bed rest or anything. So we'll see. I have a follow up in a week to check and make sure it's still looking good but after that I should have a "normal pregnancy." They might put me on progesterone again, but we'll talk about it next Thursday. One doctor didn't recommend it and the other did.
After I got the go ahead from the doctor they took my IV out, went over paperwork, I got dressed and then we were able to leave. We headed home around 3pm. I've spent the rest of the day laying on the couch, chatting with Mom and watching Harry Potter. Taking it easy as instructed. I've had some soreness but it hasn't been too awful. Here's hoping the next few days lead to more healing leading to a positive check up on Thursday.
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