Today I had the "uterus test" as I like to call it. I wasn't too nervous and deep down thought everything would be OK, I was just ready to get it over with (and know something for sure). My mom came down to go with me to be another set of ears just in case.
We got to the doctor's office and I felt the dread again. Surrounded by all these pregnant women when I'm still supposed to be pregnant. Not so much fun. I focused on my phone a lot and tried not to look up. Especially at the very young adult, possibly teenager who had an ultrasound while I was waiting. Someday it won't be painful to be there. Today was not that day.
Luckily I really like my doctor and the nurses and techs at the office. We went back to the ultrasound room and the tech explained the procedure. My doctor would come in and use a speculum in order to see. Next she would insert the small tube into my uterus and remove the speculum. The tech would then use the vaginal ultrasound wand to look at my uterus while my doctor pushed the saline in. She warned there might be some cramping when the tube was inserted. Once they got the pictures they needed the tube would come out and we'd be done.
Everything went according to plan. My doctor and the tech were wonderful. I had some slight cramping, but it wasn't too bad. The best way I can describe the experience is awkward. I was surprised how little saline she actually used and how little time it took. Almost immediately she told me that everything looked fine. My uterus is shaped normally and I don't have a septum. Thank goodness. It's nice to finally have some good news when it comes to my reproductive system. For once I'm "normal." The other good news is that my cervix has healed nicely and looks good. The cerclage didn't do any permanent damage.
After the procedure they took me to a regular room so I could ask my doctor any other questions I had and talk about the future. She said since everything looks normal there's no need to worry about my uterus being a problem in a future pregnancy. With all of the information we have now she's confident that my only problem is an incompetent cervix (not that's it's a small problem, but now we know). It also means we now have a definite plan for the future.
Next time I find out I'm pregnant I'll immediately make an appointment with both her office and the hight risk doctor. I'll have an ultrasound and they'll monitor me closely through the first trimester. I'll be on the progesterone supplements again throughout the first trimester as well. As long as everything looks good with me and the baby I'll have a cerclage between weeks 12 and 16 (I'll be requesting closer to 12 . . . 16 is just too close to 20 for my comfort). The high risk doctor will perform the surgery. Throughout the pregnancy I'll see both my regular doctor and the high risk doctor. Sometime at the end of the pregnancy the high risk doctor will remove the cerclage. Then hopefully I'll deliver a happy, healthy, full term baby.
It's a lot to take in and think about, but it feels good to have a plan and know more about what we can do in the future to ensure everything goes well. I'm glad that we have all the information now (and that I'm done with medical tests for a bit . . . aside from a mammogram in the next couple months . . . woot). I'm also glad that my body is doing what it is supposed to do. As much as I wish I were still pregnant I don't know how much longer I could have handled this "holding pattern" I feel like I've been stuck in. Maybe now that my body is functioning normally it will help my emotions (it's a wish anyway).
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Monday, August 26, 2013
2 Months
Today is 2 months. 2 months since Madeline was born. 2 months since she died. 2 months since my life changed for ever. 2 months since I felt my heart break in two. 2 months I've been trying to pick up the pieces and continue on.
It's still so surreal. I sometimes still can't really believe this is my life. I suppose a part of me will always feel that way. It feels like it's been so much longer than 2 months because surely everything I've felt can't have fit into such a small amount of time. Yet at the same time it feels like it just happened. It's hard to describe. Maybe as time goes on I'll be able to better put it into words. For now all I can say is that it's been forever and no time all at once.
It's been a weird day. It's been at the back of my mind all day . . . just under the surface. I avoided looking at calendars in the hope I could maybe just forget what today was. It worked for a little while. I've had some bad moments throughout the day, but it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. Of course today is the day we mailed the approved copy of Madeline's marker back to the monument company. I'm happy with the way it turned out. Hopefully I'll still feel that way in 60-90 days when it's been placed on her grave.
Today I also called to make the appointment for the test on my uterus (to make sure it's shaped correctly). How fitting. It will happen Thursday or Friday, they'll let me know tomorrow. I'm trying not to be nervous, but it's a bit difficult at times. Part of me thinks so much bad has happened surely something else bad can't happen? But then I'm reminded life isn't fair, so that's not a logical line of thought. Deep down I feel like it will probably come back normal, but until I know for sure it's just going to hang there niggling at me.
Like I said, it's been a weird day for me. I think because of all the emotional upheaval of the past week today was a little easier on me. I let a lot of it out over the weekend and when today came it didn't sting as much as I had expected it to. Which of course gives me mixed emotions. I should be glad that overall it wasn't an awful day. That's good for me and good for everyone around me. But then I feel guilty. I should be torn to pieces all day. So much conflict in my head. But then I remember that just because I don't cry all day doesn't mean I miss her any less. Or that I'm any less upset that she's gone. Or that she should still be inside me (for 2 months in fact). It just means that on this particular day I could keep the grief under control. I'll still have days (and moments during days) that I won't be able to. Both are normal and fine. I keep going and that's what matters.
It's still so surreal. I sometimes still can't really believe this is my life. I suppose a part of me will always feel that way. It feels like it's been so much longer than 2 months because surely everything I've felt can't have fit into such a small amount of time. Yet at the same time it feels like it just happened. It's hard to describe. Maybe as time goes on I'll be able to better put it into words. For now all I can say is that it's been forever and no time all at once.
It's been a weird day. It's been at the back of my mind all day . . . just under the surface. I avoided looking at calendars in the hope I could maybe just forget what today was. It worked for a little while. I've had some bad moments throughout the day, but it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. Of course today is the day we mailed the approved copy of Madeline's marker back to the monument company. I'm happy with the way it turned out. Hopefully I'll still feel that way in 60-90 days when it's been placed on her grave.
Today I also called to make the appointment for the test on my uterus (to make sure it's shaped correctly). How fitting. It will happen Thursday or Friday, they'll let me know tomorrow. I'm trying not to be nervous, but it's a bit difficult at times. Part of me thinks so much bad has happened surely something else bad can't happen? But then I'm reminded life isn't fair, so that's not a logical line of thought. Deep down I feel like it will probably come back normal, but until I know for sure it's just going to hang there niggling at me.
Like I said, it's been a weird day for me. I think because of all the emotional upheaval of the past week today was a little easier on me. I let a lot of it out over the weekend and when today came it didn't sting as much as I had expected it to. Which of course gives me mixed emotions. I should be glad that overall it wasn't an awful day. That's good for me and good for everyone around me. But then I feel guilty. I should be torn to pieces all day. So much conflict in my head. But then I remember that just because I don't cry all day doesn't mean I miss her any less. Or that I'm any less upset that she's gone. Or that she should still be inside me (for 2 months in fact). It just means that on this particular day I could keep the grief under control. I'll still have days (and moments during days) that I won't be able to. Both are normal and fine. I keep going and that's what matters.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
On the Positive Side
After getting everything out with my last post I'm feeling so much better. More like myself than I have in a week. I knew the blog was helping, but I guess I never let myself admit how much writing and getting everything out there did for me. After all the negative I need to focus on something positive. So here's my list of things I am happy about in my life (currently and in no particular order).
-my amazing husband who supports me and loves me (even when I pull away for a week)
-my family (including in-laws) who are there for me in so many ways (and "threaten" to show up at my house if they don't hear from me soon because they love and are worried about me . . . and I say "threaten" because their company would always be welcomed)
-my friends who do so many things to show me they care and support me (cards in the mail, texts, calls, coffee chats, emails, funny pictures and websites, hugs and so much more)
-my acne has finally almost cleared up (seriously . . . it was out. of. control. up my neck and over my entire face and red and gross . . . worse than when I was in high school . . . stupid hormones)
-the pumpkin spice latte will be back oh so very soon (those of you who know me know my some what obsessive love of anything pumpkin . . . but this especially)
-after my follow up with the doctor in a couple days I can get back to C25K
-my crazy, cuddly, loving animals (that unconditional love is hard to beat)
-Netflix Instant (shallow I know but being able to zone out at times is needed)
-our home
-I recently discovered Snapple Peach iced tea for the Keurig . . . what?!
-the uterus test will hopefully be happening this week (one more medical thing down and closer to knowing as many answers as possible)
-my Harry Potter snuggie (one of the best presents my in-laws have gotten me)
-while I didn't get to tend to my garden as much as I had hoped this year I'm still getting zucchini and will have plenty of shredded to last the rest of the year (and probably on)
-this blog and all of you who read it . . . thank you
-my amazing husband who supports me and loves me (even when I pull away for a week)
-my family (including in-laws) who are there for me in so many ways (and "threaten" to show up at my house if they don't hear from me soon because they love and are worried about me . . . and I say "threaten" because their company would always be welcomed)
-my friends who do so many things to show me they care and support me (cards in the mail, texts, calls, coffee chats, emails, funny pictures and websites, hugs and so much more)
-my acne has finally almost cleared up (seriously . . . it was out. of. control. up my neck and over my entire face and red and gross . . . worse than when I was in high school . . . stupid hormones)
-the pumpkin spice latte will be back oh so very soon (those of you who know me know my some what obsessive love of anything pumpkin . . . but this especially)
-after my follow up with the doctor in a couple days I can get back to C25K
-my crazy, cuddly, loving animals (that unconditional love is hard to beat)
-Netflix Instant (shallow I know but being able to zone out at times is needed)
-our home
-I recently discovered Snapple Peach iced tea for the Keurig . . . what?!
-the uterus test will hopefully be happening this week (one more medical thing down and closer to knowing as many answers as possible)
-my Harry Potter snuggie (one of the best presents my in-laws have gotten me)
-while I didn't get to tend to my garden as much as I had hoped this year I'm still getting zucchini and will have plenty of shredded to last the rest of the year (and probably on)
-this blog and all of you who read it . . . thank you
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Long Week
It's been a long week. I've been in a funk and basically became a hermit. I'm sorry to those of you who I really haven't had any contact with (especially those that tried). I didn't check my e-mail until today. I haven't been on facebook until today. I really didn't answer my phone or texts. I really didn't leave the house. I just retreated. In the beginning it was because I wasn't feeling well. Partially due to my lack of a gallbladder but also probably some sort of bug. But as the week went on I just kept pulling away.
I can't pinpoint any specific thing that set me off. It's just been a bit of a downward spiral and I was unwilling to drag myself or let others drag me out of it. I had no interest in anything. From the end of last week until today I've mostly felt like I'm going through the motions. I've done that several times over the past few months of course, but this was a lot of days in a row.
Actually looking back, I probably can pinpoint the start of this. At the end of last week I went back to the monument company to make some revisions on Madeline's marker. The gentleman was very nice and after talking I thought we'd come to a good place with the changes. I left and then went to the cemetery to visit Madeline. I had been the week before with Mom and we had left some potted flowers. As I came up to her grave I saw they had been knocked over and the pot had broken (probably from mowing). I broke down into sobs. I don't know why I was so upset. I wondered how long they'd been like that. No one was there to fix them. I felt so guilty. I wasn't there to fix them for her. I know that's crazy. I can't be there every day (and I know it's not good for me to try) but it just really got to me. It was another of those stabbing pains. I couldn't keep her safe by keeping her inside me and now I couldn't even make sure she had nice flowers that stayed on her grave.
From then on I kind of retreated. I did have some genuine good times over the next week, but overall I was just going through the motions. Every year we go to the Kentucky State Fair with my in-laws (I'd never been until Adam and I were together). We had decided to go last Saturday so Adam and I (and the dogs) spent the weekend in Louisville. After the bad end to the week I was really looking forward to it. It's something I always enjoyed. When we got there I just felt empty. It wasn't all bad. I had part of a pork chop sandwich and saw some crazy crafts . . . but overall I just went through the motions. There were so many babies, children and pregnant women. It was harder than I thought it would be and I was disappointed that something I usually got pleasure out of really didn't do it for me. It was nice to be with Adam's family but I felt bad because I just wasn't all there. I put on a good face but it wasn't the same.
We came back and the first few days of the week I didn't feel well. Lots of stomach issues. Lots of sitting on the couch. Lots of time to think. Lots of wallowing. By the time I felt better physically I had gone down the emotional spiral and was unwilling to come back up yet. So I continued to wallow. Another part of it is that the 26th is fast approaching. I try not to think about it but it's there. Always in the back of my mind or just under the surface. I can't believe it will only be 2 months. That just seems crazy to me. It feels like I've been going through this for soooooo long. But at the same time there are times when I feel like it just happened the pain is so raw. I'm amazed at how it seems like I've done so much in these past couple months and at the same time done nothing at all. It just feels like time passing by. I know I've done things (we even left and went to Savannah) but I feel numb about it right now. That's the best way to describe it. Numb. Things happen and at the time for a lot of them I do genuinely enjoy myself, but when I look back and try to get those happy feelings out of the memory they just don't come.
I felt like I was doing so well. Good days were outnumbering the bad. I could talk about things without getting too emotional. I was doing things to better my health physically and emotionally. And then the end of last week came and I hit a wall. I just stopped. Probably bounced back if I'm being honest. I know that's normal and not unexpected. It doesn't make it any easier. I feel like I'm in some kind of holding pattern. I want to have hope for the future (and I do), it's just hard to see it right now because I feel stuck.
All of these emotions had been teeming and building and I knew they had to break. I had to do something. Luckily I had something to help me over the hump. A close friend's son was baptized today and we were invited. I had talked to her about it and she had assured me if I couldn't do it that was just fine. I really wanted to go to support my friends and their precious son (and to live normally if I'm being honest). After my funk of a week I had debated about not going but decided that going was just what I needed to wake me up. I knew it would probably be hard, but it would force me to confront and deal instead of hide from my emotions (which is what I've been doing all week). Adam said he'd go with me but he really still wasn't ready. I said that was fine and that I didn't know if I was either, but it was something I had to do. Another friend and her husband were also going so we carpooled this morning. The service was nice and I'm glad I went, but it was hard at times. We didn't go to the reception afterwards . . . I just couldn't do it. Not only for myself emotionally but I felt like I would cast a dark cloud over it. Sitting through the service was one thing. There were lots of people (6 children were baptized so there were people there for all of them) and it was removed from myself. The reception would be more intimate and mostly people I knew. This was a day to celebrate not to think about sadness. I know that my friends would protest and say I wouldn't have done any such thing (casting the dark cloud of sorrow), but it's how I felt (feel). It's still awkward (and probably always will be at times). It's the elephant in the room. I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable, including myself. But like I said, it was good I went because it forced me to face my feelings and pull myself out of this fog I've been living in for the past week. Plus I got to be a part of such a special day in my friends' lives. My friends dropped me off (bless them for letting me ride with them and helping me cope) and I immediately started this entry and let myself release the grief and pain I'd been wallowing in.
I know this wasn't good. I shouldn't have let it get this far. It's just hard sometimes. When I feel like I'm going through the motions it gets hard sometimes to put on my "everything's fine" face. If I just hide in my house and cut off everyone I don't have to pretend. But then I also don't make any progress. In fact I slip backward. So even though some days all I want to do is pretend there isn't a world out there and wallow in my grief, I know I need to take a step back and remember that's not good for me. It may feel good at first, but the longer I let it go the harder it is.
Thanks for listening to this (especially after I haven't posted anything in a while). I didn't write because that would make me face things, make me put it out there and release it. Maybe if I'd just written about that first day at the cemetery right away it wouldn't have gone this far. A good lesson for myself. Wallowing really doesn't help. It may seem like it at the time or be the easy way . . . but in the long run it's not. So here's to me making a conscious effort not to let myself get so far again.
I can't pinpoint any specific thing that set me off. It's just been a bit of a downward spiral and I was unwilling to drag myself or let others drag me out of it. I had no interest in anything. From the end of last week until today I've mostly felt like I'm going through the motions. I've done that several times over the past few months of course, but this was a lot of days in a row.
Actually looking back, I probably can pinpoint the start of this. At the end of last week I went back to the monument company to make some revisions on Madeline's marker. The gentleman was very nice and after talking I thought we'd come to a good place with the changes. I left and then went to the cemetery to visit Madeline. I had been the week before with Mom and we had left some potted flowers. As I came up to her grave I saw they had been knocked over and the pot had broken (probably from mowing). I broke down into sobs. I don't know why I was so upset. I wondered how long they'd been like that. No one was there to fix them. I felt so guilty. I wasn't there to fix them for her. I know that's crazy. I can't be there every day (and I know it's not good for me to try) but it just really got to me. It was another of those stabbing pains. I couldn't keep her safe by keeping her inside me and now I couldn't even make sure she had nice flowers that stayed on her grave.
From then on I kind of retreated. I did have some genuine good times over the next week, but overall I was just going through the motions. Every year we go to the Kentucky State Fair with my in-laws (I'd never been until Adam and I were together). We had decided to go last Saturday so Adam and I (and the dogs) spent the weekend in Louisville. After the bad end to the week I was really looking forward to it. It's something I always enjoyed. When we got there I just felt empty. It wasn't all bad. I had part of a pork chop sandwich and saw some crazy crafts . . . but overall I just went through the motions. There were so many babies, children and pregnant women. It was harder than I thought it would be and I was disappointed that something I usually got pleasure out of really didn't do it for me. It was nice to be with Adam's family but I felt bad because I just wasn't all there. I put on a good face but it wasn't the same.
We came back and the first few days of the week I didn't feel well. Lots of stomach issues. Lots of sitting on the couch. Lots of time to think. Lots of wallowing. By the time I felt better physically I had gone down the emotional spiral and was unwilling to come back up yet. So I continued to wallow. Another part of it is that the 26th is fast approaching. I try not to think about it but it's there. Always in the back of my mind or just under the surface. I can't believe it will only be 2 months. That just seems crazy to me. It feels like I've been going through this for soooooo long. But at the same time there are times when I feel like it just happened the pain is so raw. I'm amazed at how it seems like I've done so much in these past couple months and at the same time done nothing at all. It just feels like time passing by. I know I've done things (we even left and went to Savannah) but I feel numb about it right now. That's the best way to describe it. Numb. Things happen and at the time for a lot of them I do genuinely enjoy myself, but when I look back and try to get those happy feelings out of the memory they just don't come.
I felt like I was doing so well. Good days were outnumbering the bad. I could talk about things without getting too emotional. I was doing things to better my health physically and emotionally. And then the end of last week came and I hit a wall. I just stopped. Probably bounced back if I'm being honest. I know that's normal and not unexpected. It doesn't make it any easier. I feel like I'm in some kind of holding pattern. I want to have hope for the future (and I do), it's just hard to see it right now because I feel stuck.
All of these emotions had been teeming and building and I knew they had to break. I had to do something. Luckily I had something to help me over the hump. A close friend's son was baptized today and we were invited. I had talked to her about it and she had assured me if I couldn't do it that was just fine. I really wanted to go to support my friends and their precious son (and to live normally if I'm being honest). After my funk of a week I had debated about not going but decided that going was just what I needed to wake me up. I knew it would probably be hard, but it would force me to confront and deal instead of hide from my emotions (which is what I've been doing all week). Adam said he'd go with me but he really still wasn't ready. I said that was fine and that I didn't know if I was either, but it was something I had to do. Another friend and her husband were also going so we carpooled this morning. The service was nice and I'm glad I went, but it was hard at times. We didn't go to the reception afterwards . . . I just couldn't do it. Not only for myself emotionally but I felt like I would cast a dark cloud over it. Sitting through the service was one thing. There were lots of people (6 children were baptized so there were people there for all of them) and it was removed from myself. The reception would be more intimate and mostly people I knew. This was a day to celebrate not to think about sadness. I know that my friends would protest and say I wouldn't have done any such thing (casting the dark cloud of sorrow), but it's how I felt (feel). It's still awkward (and probably always will be at times). It's the elephant in the room. I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable, including myself. But like I said, it was good I went because it forced me to face my feelings and pull myself out of this fog I've been living in for the past week. Plus I got to be a part of such a special day in my friends' lives. My friends dropped me off (bless them for letting me ride with them and helping me cope) and I immediately started this entry and let myself release the grief and pain I'd been wallowing in.
I know this wasn't good. I shouldn't have let it get this far. It's just hard sometimes. When I feel like I'm going through the motions it gets hard sometimes to put on my "everything's fine" face. If I just hide in my house and cut off everyone I don't have to pretend. But then I also don't make any progress. In fact I slip backward. So even though some days all I want to do is pretend there isn't a world out there and wallow in my grief, I know I need to take a step back and remember that's not good for me. It may feel good at first, but the longer I let it go the harder it is.
Thanks for listening to this (especially after I haven't posted anything in a while). I didn't write because that would make me face things, make me put it out there and release it. Maybe if I'd just written about that first day at the cemetery right away it wouldn't have gone this far. A good lesson for myself. Wallowing really doesn't help. It may seem like it at the time or be the easy way . . . but in the long run it's not. So here's to me making a conscious effort not to let myself get so far again.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Anger
Anger is something that has been hard for me (and Adam) to come to grips with. We're both so mad and angry that this happened but we really have nowhere to place that anger. Not to mention all the "why us?" questions. It basically boils down to "bad things happen" and sometimes that is just not good enough.
I can't be mad at my doctors. They were wonderful and did everything they could. My high risk doctor did the cerclage even though he thought it wouldn't work for as long as we needed it to because he knew how important it was to us to try. They were always straight forward and went through options and scenarios with us. We were informed and made decisions accordingly. It just didn't turn out the way any of us wanted.
I can't be mad at my nurses. They were a spot of light in that dark time in the hospital. They were all nurturing, concerned and provided the highest level of care I could ever ask for. They treated me as a specific person not just a patient. They knew how scared I was and they never made light of it but tried to help me stay positive.
I can't be mad at Adam (even though I know I take it out on him sometimes and I appreciate and love him for it). He did nothing to cause this. He was with me every step of the way. He lost his daughter too. We're both going through this.
I can't be mad at anyone in our families. They didn't do anything to cause this. They were there for us at the time and since. We've gotten nothing but love and support.
I can't be mad at any of my friends. They didn't do anything to cause this. They've been so supportive and kind. There for us in ways we all never thought any of would have to be.
I want to say I can't be mad at myself. But that's harder said than done. I know it isn't my fault logically. I know I didn't cause this. I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent this (with the knowledge we had at the time). But it's my body that failed. Ok, not my whole body . . . specifically my cervix. Madeline was fine the whole time. She was strong. She was very active and had a strong heartbeat . . . she was in a different spot each time they tried to find it. If I could have kept her in longer she would have been fine. But my cervix failed and she paid the price. So I do place some of my anger at myself . . . and my cervix deserves it. It sucks at its job.
It's just not fair. I know life isn't fair. But she didn't even get a chance. Why did she have to pay for what's wrong with my body? Why did this happen to us? What have we ever done to deserve this? Why don't we get to go through a healthy pregnancy? Why don't we get a healthy baby?
So basically we're just mad at the universe and that means we sometimes take it out on those around us. I'm sorry if that's been you at some point. We're both finding ways to channel our anger, but it's still hard. When you don't have something to specifically blame (besides a body part which only goes so far) it's difficult. So again, sorry if I've been short or vented my anger at you. I'm finding healthier ways to deal with it (I'm going to Goodwill soon to get those plates to break and once I'm healed from surgery I'll get back to my C25K). Someday I won't be so mad at the world. If anyone has any other ideas about how to channel anger I'm all ears.
I can't be mad at my doctors. They were wonderful and did everything they could. My high risk doctor did the cerclage even though he thought it wouldn't work for as long as we needed it to because he knew how important it was to us to try. They were always straight forward and went through options and scenarios with us. We were informed and made decisions accordingly. It just didn't turn out the way any of us wanted.
I can't be mad at my nurses. They were a spot of light in that dark time in the hospital. They were all nurturing, concerned and provided the highest level of care I could ever ask for. They treated me as a specific person not just a patient. They knew how scared I was and they never made light of it but tried to help me stay positive.
I can't be mad at Adam (even though I know I take it out on him sometimes and I appreciate and love him for it). He did nothing to cause this. He was with me every step of the way. He lost his daughter too. We're both going through this.
I can't be mad at anyone in our families. They didn't do anything to cause this. They were there for us at the time and since. We've gotten nothing but love and support.
I can't be mad at any of my friends. They didn't do anything to cause this. They've been so supportive and kind. There for us in ways we all never thought any of would have to be.
I want to say I can't be mad at myself. But that's harder said than done. I know it isn't my fault logically. I know I didn't cause this. I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent this (with the knowledge we had at the time). But it's my body that failed. Ok, not my whole body . . . specifically my cervix. Madeline was fine the whole time. She was strong. She was very active and had a strong heartbeat . . . she was in a different spot each time they tried to find it. If I could have kept her in longer she would have been fine. But my cervix failed and she paid the price. So I do place some of my anger at myself . . . and my cervix deserves it. It sucks at its job.
It's just not fair. I know life isn't fair. But she didn't even get a chance. Why did she have to pay for what's wrong with my body? Why did this happen to us? What have we ever done to deserve this? Why don't we get to go through a healthy pregnancy? Why don't we get a healthy baby?
So basically we're just mad at the universe and that means we sometimes take it out on those around us. I'm sorry if that's been you at some point. We're both finding ways to channel our anger, but it's still hard. When you don't have something to specifically blame (besides a body part which only goes so far) it's difficult. So again, sorry if I've been short or vented my anger at you. I'm finding healthier ways to deal with it (I'm going to Goodwill soon to get those plates to break and once I'm healed from surgery I'll get back to my C25K). Someday I won't be so mad at the world. If anyone has any other ideas about how to channel anger I'm all ears.
Monday, August 12, 2013
What Should Have Been
This weekend has been a bit rough for me. Just having gallbladder surgery was a big part of it, but it was also a lot of thoughts I had . . . of how things should have been instead of how they are.
Saturday was harder on me physically than Friday was. I was a lot more sore and everything I ate (the little I did) upset my stomach. I was also having bouts of dizziness. Because of all this I spent the day upstairs. I didn't want to deal with the stairs to the basement and there is no bathroom down there (bending and getting up are still a little difficult). As I spent longer and longer laying on the couch in our family room I kept thinking this is what I should have been doing anyway. I should be on bed rest with the most movement being going to this couch. If life was the way I wanted it I would still be pregnant. Saturday I would have been . . . should have been 29 weeks. I should still be getting bigger, feeling her move inside me, and telling people what to do in the nursery. I should be updating a registry that I would have done online. I should be starting a scrapbook. So many should bes. Instead I'm recovering from a surgery that I had because I'm no longer pregnant.
My head got kind of stuck in that loop for a lot of the weekend. I put on a good face, but inside I was upset and mad. This isn't the way it was supposed to be. I shouldn't be on this couch because I'm sore because I don't have a gallbladder anymore. I should be on this couch because I'm on bed rest to keep our daughter in for as long as possible. Or in my perfect world nothing would have ever gone wrong and I'd still be living in a world where bad things don't happen in pregnancy after the first trimester.
That's another part of why I've been more upset this weekend. When you have surgery they talk about a lot of things that could go wrong, the risks, beforehand and you feel prepared going in. They also go over recovery. What you should do, when you should be back to normal, all of that. It was such a stark contrast to what we've been through with Madeline. There's no timeline for when we should feel pretty much like ourselves again (and when we should worry if we don't). I say pretty much because I know I'll never feel like the person I was before her. Recovery is a lot more open ended with no specifics, as in this specific thing will make you feel better.
The risks parts also irks me. I know that when you get pregnant you don't want to think about all the things that could go wrong (the number of things that can is mind boggling). You want to be happy and focus on the positive. And for most people that's just fine because everything is lovely. At the end you have a healthy, full term baby to hold in your arms that you get to take home to love and raise. But that's not true for everyone and until I went through it I really didn't have a clue. Sure I had worries in the back of my mind about Madeline possibly being premature, or me developing gestational diabetes or preeclampsia, but that's pretty much it. I'd never heard of an incompetent cervix. I'm not saying my doctor should have given me a laundry list of everything that could possibly go wrong (that would probably end up doing more harm by causing excess worry). However, this is not something that was covered in my pregnancy book. In fact it really didn't talk about things that could go wrong. It made me feel like I was poisoning my baby if I ate a french fry, but nothing about actual things to think about that could go wrong. Again, I know that no one needs excess worry when they're pregnant, but I think there needs to be a balance between living in ignorance and having some knowledge.
I know that even if I'd heard of an incompetent cervix before I found out I had one it would have done no good. There's no way to predict this will happen unless it's happened to you before. But if I had known something about it I might have felt a little more prepared for what needed to be done and what life was going to be like that first little bit. Not that anything can really prepare you of course.
I guess a lot of it boils down to making the decision to be informed yourself. It's my own fault I'd never heard of it (or knew a lot about other problems). I'm still mad at myself for not doing more research. At first I think it was because I was so concerned with getting through the first trimester that once we hit the second I only wanted to be positive. We'd spent that first 12 weeks worrying and hoping and I was ready to be in that happy stage. Once I went into the hospital, however, it was self preservation. I was having a hard enough time trying to stay positive I couldn't look at statistics. So basically I'm the prime example of why a lot of people aren't informed about a lot of the things that can go wrong during pregnancy. I get it. I'm still mad about it, about not being as informed as I should have been.
I don't really have an answer to this dilemma. It really comes down to each person and what they can handle. How much can you learn without dwelling on the what ifs? When is ignorance truly bliss? We each need to find that balance ourselves. I hope that my story hasn't scared any of you about your current or future pregnancy. That's not my intention and I'm so sorry if I have. If it makes someone more informed or feel more prepared then I'll be glad. That's what I wish I'd had . . . at least a feeling of being more prepared.
Thanks for hanging in for this rambling post. I've had all of this on my mind over the weekend and it feels good to get it out. I'm feeling better today (emotionally and physically). I'd been having a lot of good days in a row before all this so I was even more down on myself. But I need to remember that I never know what each day is going to bring and as long as I get through it it's an accomplishment.
Saturday was harder on me physically than Friday was. I was a lot more sore and everything I ate (the little I did) upset my stomach. I was also having bouts of dizziness. Because of all this I spent the day upstairs. I didn't want to deal with the stairs to the basement and there is no bathroom down there (bending and getting up are still a little difficult). As I spent longer and longer laying on the couch in our family room I kept thinking this is what I should have been doing anyway. I should be on bed rest with the most movement being going to this couch. If life was the way I wanted it I would still be pregnant. Saturday I would have been . . . should have been 29 weeks. I should still be getting bigger, feeling her move inside me, and telling people what to do in the nursery. I should be updating a registry that I would have done online. I should be starting a scrapbook. So many should bes. Instead I'm recovering from a surgery that I had because I'm no longer pregnant.
My head got kind of stuck in that loop for a lot of the weekend. I put on a good face, but inside I was upset and mad. This isn't the way it was supposed to be. I shouldn't be on this couch because I'm sore because I don't have a gallbladder anymore. I should be on this couch because I'm on bed rest to keep our daughter in for as long as possible. Or in my perfect world nothing would have ever gone wrong and I'd still be living in a world where bad things don't happen in pregnancy after the first trimester.
That's another part of why I've been more upset this weekend. When you have surgery they talk about a lot of things that could go wrong, the risks, beforehand and you feel prepared going in. They also go over recovery. What you should do, when you should be back to normal, all of that. It was such a stark contrast to what we've been through with Madeline. There's no timeline for when we should feel pretty much like ourselves again (and when we should worry if we don't). I say pretty much because I know I'll never feel like the person I was before her. Recovery is a lot more open ended with no specifics, as in this specific thing will make you feel better.
The risks parts also irks me. I know that when you get pregnant you don't want to think about all the things that could go wrong (the number of things that can is mind boggling). You want to be happy and focus on the positive. And for most people that's just fine because everything is lovely. At the end you have a healthy, full term baby to hold in your arms that you get to take home to love and raise. But that's not true for everyone and until I went through it I really didn't have a clue. Sure I had worries in the back of my mind about Madeline possibly being premature, or me developing gestational diabetes or preeclampsia, but that's pretty much it. I'd never heard of an incompetent cervix. I'm not saying my doctor should have given me a laundry list of everything that could possibly go wrong (that would probably end up doing more harm by causing excess worry). However, this is not something that was covered in my pregnancy book. In fact it really didn't talk about things that could go wrong. It made me feel like I was poisoning my baby if I ate a french fry, but nothing about actual things to think about that could go wrong. Again, I know that no one needs excess worry when they're pregnant, but I think there needs to be a balance between living in ignorance and having some knowledge.
I know that even if I'd heard of an incompetent cervix before I found out I had one it would have done no good. There's no way to predict this will happen unless it's happened to you before. But if I had known something about it I might have felt a little more prepared for what needed to be done and what life was going to be like that first little bit. Not that anything can really prepare you of course.
I guess a lot of it boils down to making the decision to be informed yourself. It's my own fault I'd never heard of it (or knew a lot about other problems). I'm still mad at myself for not doing more research. At first I think it was because I was so concerned with getting through the first trimester that once we hit the second I only wanted to be positive. We'd spent that first 12 weeks worrying and hoping and I was ready to be in that happy stage. Once I went into the hospital, however, it was self preservation. I was having a hard enough time trying to stay positive I couldn't look at statistics. So basically I'm the prime example of why a lot of people aren't informed about a lot of the things that can go wrong during pregnancy. I get it. I'm still mad about it, about not being as informed as I should have been.
I don't really have an answer to this dilemma. It really comes down to each person and what they can handle. How much can you learn without dwelling on the what ifs? When is ignorance truly bliss? We each need to find that balance ourselves. I hope that my story hasn't scared any of you about your current or future pregnancy. That's not my intention and I'm so sorry if I have. If it makes someone more informed or feel more prepared then I'll be glad. That's what I wish I'd had . . . at least a feeling of being more prepared.
Thanks for hanging in for this rambling post. I've had all of this on my mind over the weekend and it feels good to get it out. I'm feeling better today (emotionally and physically). I'd been having a lot of good days in a row before all this so I was even more down on myself. But I need to remember that I never know what each day is going to bring and as long as I get through it it's an accomplishment.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Gallbladder
I am now minus a gallbladder. I had surgery yesterday. I know I should have been more mindful about having surgery in the upcoming days, but after everything I've been through this summer I just couldn't. It just kind of rolled off of me. After everything else, how could this compare or be a big deal? And in all honesty it really hasn't been. Luckily things went smoothly and thus far have today.
Mom and I left for the hospital a little after 7 am. It was kind of surreal. I've spent far too much time in that hospital complex this summer. At least I was only going to be there for a few hours this time. I knew where we were going too. It's the same place I had my D and C. Another lovely memory.
Around 7:30 I was registered and not long after I was called back. The lady doing my intake was the same one that did my intake when I had my D and C. Full circle. They make women give a urine sample to ensure you're not pregnant. No worries there, but I guess they can't just take my word for it. We got to all the usual questions and I had to recall the summer. She was nice but you could tell in her face how uncomfortable she was. She gave me the gown and said the nurse would be in shortly to start my IV and get more info. The gown was quite familiar, they only have so many patterns. I'd worn that pattern several times in June, including the day Madeline was born. I just gritted my teeth and put it on. I'd only be in in for a little bit I told myself.
Soon 2 nurses came in, just as promised. One took more medical history while the other got my IV started. I never would have thought getting IV would be old hat for me. The other nurse went over my medical history. For some reason my cerclage wasn't on there so I added that. Then she asked when my last menstrual period was. She put two and two together and said, "It's been a rough year for you, hasn't it?" I just nodded and said yes. This whole process was so weird to me. It felt a bit like it was happening to someone else. I detached myself so when I talked about what happened with Madeline I wouldn't get upset.
The anesthesiologist came to talk to me and then Mom came back to sit with me until they took me back. I told her about the intake and having to watch the nurses faces when they put it together. I appreciate that they are sorry for what happened, but I don't like the pity they look at me with. Condolences are fine . . . pity gets to me.
Before long they came to get me. It was all very quick. Mom gave me a hug and kiss, they wheeled me across the hall and we were in the operating room. I got onto the table and the anesthesiologist said he was putting something in my IV and I would be out soon. I don't remember going to sleep at all. One minute I was on the operating table (the doctor wasn't even in yet) and the next I was in recovery with Mom sitting beside me.
It took me a while to wake up. That's the way it's always been for me with anesthesia though. The only negative thing I can say about the whole experience is that I felt rushed to leave recovery and go home. I wasn't there for more than an hour and the only reason I was there that long was because I was shaking so much and nauseous. Once my shaking was under control I got dressed and Mom went to get the car. On the way out I started shaking again so they got me a warmed blanket to wrap around me. I got to take it home actually. It kept me from shaking so I was glad.
The initial few hours were the worst. I think a lot of it was all of the air that was trapped creating pressure. The worst part is the incision in my belly button. I think that's where my gallbladder came out. Plus it's where I bend so that hurts too. But overall it hasn't been too bad. The other incisions really aren't that sore. I've been taking my pain meds though. I'm one who usually tries to push through the pain, but I figure I'll get better faster if I allow myself this time to rest and recover. So that's what I'm doing.
I'm so thankful for Adam and my mom. They're both taking such good care of me. I feel bad that they've had to take care of me so much this summer, but I appreciate it. When I was lying on the couch yesterday Adam held a glass of water with a straw for me to drink . . . just like he did in the hospital during my almost 2 week stay. Too much. He's really living up to that "in sickness" part of our vows. The next medical thing is the test on my uterus, but that won't be until I get a period again and who knows when that will be. Hopefully this is the last big medical thing for the summer. Goodness knows I'm ready for it to be over. Bring on Fall.
Mom and I left for the hospital a little after 7 am. It was kind of surreal. I've spent far too much time in that hospital complex this summer. At least I was only going to be there for a few hours this time. I knew where we were going too. It's the same place I had my D and C. Another lovely memory.
Around 7:30 I was registered and not long after I was called back. The lady doing my intake was the same one that did my intake when I had my D and C. Full circle. They make women give a urine sample to ensure you're not pregnant. No worries there, but I guess they can't just take my word for it. We got to all the usual questions and I had to recall the summer. She was nice but you could tell in her face how uncomfortable she was. She gave me the gown and said the nurse would be in shortly to start my IV and get more info. The gown was quite familiar, they only have so many patterns. I'd worn that pattern several times in June, including the day Madeline was born. I just gritted my teeth and put it on. I'd only be in in for a little bit I told myself.
Soon 2 nurses came in, just as promised. One took more medical history while the other got my IV started. I never would have thought getting IV would be old hat for me. The other nurse went over my medical history. For some reason my cerclage wasn't on there so I added that. Then she asked when my last menstrual period was. She put two and two together and said, "It's been a rough year for you, hasn't it?" I just nodded and said yes. This whole process was so weird to me. It felt a bit like it was happening to someone else. I detached myself so when I talked about what happened with Madeline I wouldn't get upset.
The anesthesiologist came to talk to me and then Mom came back to sit with me until they took me back. I told her about the intake and having to watch the nurses faces when they put it together. I appreciate that they are sorry for what happened, but I don't like the pity they look at me with. Condolences are fine . . . pity gets to me.
Before long they came to get me. It was all very quick. Mom gave me a hug and kiss, they wheeled me across the hall and we were in the operating room. I got onto the table and the anesthesiologist said he was putting something in my IV and I would be out soon. I don't remember going to sleep at all. One minute I was on the operating table (the doctor wasn't even in yet) and the next I was in recovery with Mom sitting beside me.
It took me a while to wake up. That's the way it's always been for me with anesthesia though. The only negative thing I can say about the whole experience is that I felt rushed to leave recovery and go home. I wasn't there for more than an hour and the only reason I was there that long was because I was shaking so much and nauseous. Once my shaking was under control I got dressed and Mom went to get the car. On the way out I started shaking again so they got me a warmed blanket to wrap around me. I got to take it home actually. It kept me from shaking so I was glad.
The initial few hours were the worst. I think a lot of it was all of the air that was trapped creating pressure. The worst part is the incision in my belly button. I think that's where my gallbladder came out. Plus it's where I bend so that hurts too. But overall it hasn't been too bad. The other incisions really aren't that sore. I've been taking my pain meds though. I'm one who usually tries to push through the pain, but I figure I'll get better faster if I allow myself this time to rest and recover. So that's what I'm doing.
I'm so thankful for Adam and my mom. They're both taking such good care of me. I feel bad that they've had to take care of me so much this summer, but I appreciate it. When I was lying on the couch yesterday Adam held a glass of water with a straw for me to drink . . . just like he did in the hospital during my almost 2 week stay. Too much. He's really living up to that "in sickness" part of our vows. The next medical thing is the test on my uterus, but that won't be until I get a period again and who knows when that will be. Hopefully this is the last big medical thing for the summer. Goodness knows I'm ready for it to be over. Bring on Fall.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Support Group
Tonight, August 6th, I went to my first support group meeting. In our grief folder from the hospital there was a paper about a perinatal bereavement support group that meets the first Tuesday of every month. There is a topic for each meeting, but it's just an outline. You can talk about whatever you need to and share as much or as little as you want.
The first meeting after we lost Madeline was in July, but it was still too raw for me. I didn't go. Tonight was the next one and I decided that even though right now I'm doing pretty well, it would be good to go. If nothing else, it would introduce me to others who have been through something similar. Since it's specifically a perinatal bereavement group the people who come have either had a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, an infant loss or a still birth. So even though I might not meet someone who had an incompetent cervix or lost their child at the same gestational age that I did, they would still be able to relate to the loss I've felt. I also thought it would be good because I would probably meet people who are further out from their loss than me who might have some good advice.
The meeting was at 7pm so Adam couldn't come. Since my mom was coming down for my gallbladder surgery this Thursday she decided to go ahead and come today so she could go with me. It would be good for her too. Plus I knew I would feel more comfortable going the first time with someone. It was also appropriate because the topic for tonight was "How Friends and Family React."
Before we went to the meeting we went to the cemetery to see Madeline. Mom hadn't been yet and she wanted to go. We stopped and got some more flowers for her. They were small purple mums in a self watering plastic pot so they should last for a while. I knew the roses I had left last time would probably be dead by now and I wanted her to have something else. We walked around a bit before making it to her grave. I picked up the old roses and put down the new mums telling her that I loved her (in my head, I thought it might be weird to say it out loud with Mom there . . . and I would probably make us both cry). We stood there for a bit taking in the beauty of the cemetery and then headed out.
I didn't quite know what to expect at or from this meeting. I've never been to anything like this before. The paper said we didn't have to share if we didn't want to (aside from introducing ourselves) so that made me feel better. I wasn't sure I would feel comfortable saying anything this first time. We signed in at the front desk and were told what room to go to. We were the second to arrive. By the time our meeting started there were 5 mothers, 2 grandmothers and 2 grief counselors.
We went around the table introducing ourselves and if we were comfortable, sharing a bit of our story. All of our stories were different, but all heartbreaking. Two of the mothers are approaching a year since they lost their babies. I had the most recent loss. I can't share a lot of our stories or exactly what we talked about, but I can say that I felt a lot better after. I felt more comfortable than I had thought I would and was able to share some feelings and concerns that I haven't really been able to share yet. It was nice to hear the other mothers' advice and encouragement too, especially the ones approaching a year. I could see that while they still have struggles and are still dealing with their loss, they are still here and have found a way to cope and function. It was encouraging to see and hear that. Also to know some of the things I've been feeling are totally normal and they still struggle with helped (even though I thought I was being a bit irrational).
For example: There is someone I'm friends with on facebook that is pregnant (that I haven't talked in years and years). She is due after me but announced waaaaaay before me (almost right away). I was impressed she was so confident so early. But I had to remind myself that she hadn't had a miscarriage so she really had no reason to be as nervous as I was through the entire first trimester. I also had to remind myself that everyone is different and to move on. What works for some doesn't work for others and that is OK. Things she posts about her pregnancy get to me, but overall I've been able to handle it without too much bitterness. I've been seeing posts that she was going to find out the gender soon. I meant to block her but I forgot. As I was scrolling through my newsfeed the other day it hit me in the face. She is having a girl. I felt so much anger in that moment. Why does she get to have a worry free pregnancy with nothing wrong and I don't? What makes me deserve this? Why does she get to have a baby girl and I don't? In all honesty I think I could have handled it better if she had said she was having a boy. It was the gender that really tipped me over the edge. I hate that I feel this way. It's not me. It's not who I am really. But right now it is.
The mothers I met tonight helped me in so many ways in just the hour and a half we were together. It was nice to talk to someone who can sympathize. I truly appreciate everyone who has been there for me that can empathize, please don't misunderstand. I wouldn't be where I am right now without all of you. But there is something to being able to share with someone who has experienced the loss you have. Their advice meant a lot too. One of them suggested finding a safe place (like your garage or backyard), laying down a tablecloth, getting some cheap plates (Goodwill here I come!) and smashing them to get some anger out. It seems so simple, but I hadn't thought of it and it does sound amazing. That's the trouble with the anger Adam and I are feeling, we can't direct it at anything. It's no one's fault, so we can't focus it at someone (although I have been focusing a lot of it at my cervix . . . it has one job, just one and it can't do that properly. The heart has to do a lot more not to mention the brain . . . the cervix just has to stay closed until the baby is full term and ready to be born. Stupid cervix.). We're just kind of mad at the universe in general. Having some more outlets (we've both been using exercise thus far) would be good.
Talking, especially in a group setting, may not be for everyone, but it was good for me tonight. I went to this meeting not sure I would go to another one. Tonight when I got home I programmed all the meetings for the rest of the year into the calendar on my phone. Knowing I can have a place every month to let things out, ask questions and get advice from people with experience is a relief. Next month's topic is "Future Pregnancy" and while I know we're not there yet, it's something we've both already been thinking (and worrying) about. So here's to support groups, something I never thought I'd need but am glad are there.
The first meeting after we lost Madeline was in July, but it was still too raw for me. I didn't go. Tonight was the next one and I decided that even though right now I'm doing pretty well, it would be good to go. If nothing else, it would introduce me to others who have been through something similar. Since it's specifically a perinatal bereavement group the people who come have either had a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, an infant loss or a still birth. So even though I might not meet someone who had an incompetent cervix or lost their child at the same gestational age that I did, they would still be able to relate to the loss I've felt. I also thought it would be good because I would probably meet people who are further out from their loss than me who might have some good advice.
The meeting was at 7pm so Adam couldn't come. Since my mom was coming down for my gallbladder surgery this Thursday she decided to go ahead and come today so she could go with me. It would be good for her too. Plus I knew I would feel more comfortable going the first time with someone. It was also appropriate because the topic for tonight was "How Friends and Family React."
Before we went to the meeting we went to the cemetery to see Madeline. Mom hadn't been yet and she wanted to go. We stopped and got some more flowers for her. They were small purple mums in a self watering plastic pot so they should last for a while. I knew the roses I had left last time would probably be dead by now and I wanted her to have something else. We walked around a bit before making it to her grave. I picked up the old roses and put down the new mums telling her that I loved her (in my head, I thought it might be weird to say it out loud with Mom there . . . and I would probably make us both cry). We stood there for a bit taking in the beauty of the cemetery and then headed out.
I didn't quite know what to expect at or from this meeting. I've never been to anything like this before. The paper said we didn't have to share if we didn't want to (aside from introducing ourselves) so that made me feel better. I wasn't sure I would feel comfortable saying anything this first time. We signed in at the front desk and were told what room to go to. We were the second to arrive. By the time our meeting started there were 5 mothers, 2 grandmothers and 2 grief counselors.
We went around the table introducing ourselves and if we were comfortable, sharing a bit of our story. All of our stories were different, but all heartbreaking. Two of the mothers are approaching a year since they lost their babies. I had the most recent loss. I can't share a lot of our stories or exactly what we talked about, but I can say that I felt a lot better after. I felt more comfortable than I had thought I would and was able to share some feelings and concerns that I haven't really been able to share yet. It was nice to hear the other mothers' advice and encouragement too, especially the ones approaching a year. I could see that while they still have struggles and are still dealing with their loss, they are still here and have found a way to cope and function. It was encouraging to see and hear that. Also to know some of the things I've been feeling are totally normal and they still struggle with helped (even though I thought I was being a bit irrational).
For example: There is someone I'm friends with on facebook that is pregnant (that I haven't talked in years and years). She is due after me but announced waaaaaay before me (almost right away). I was impressed she was so confident so early. But I had to remind myself that she hadn't had a miscarriage so she really had no reason to be as nervous as I was through the entire first trimester. I also had to remind myself that everyone is different and to move on. What works for some doesn't work for others and that is OK. Things she posts about her pregnancy get to me, but overall I've been able to handle it without too much bitterness. I've been seeing posts that she was going to find out the gender soon. I meant to block her but I forgot. As I was scrolling through my newsfeed the other day it hit me in the face. She is having a girl. I felt so much anger in that moment. Why does she get to have a worry free pregnancy with nothing wrong and I don't? What makes me deserve this? Why does she get to have a baby girl and I don't? In all honesty I think I could have handled it better if she had said she was having a boy. It was the gender that really tipped me over the edge. I hate that I feel this way. It's not me. It's not who I am really. But right now it is.
The mothers I met tonight helped me in so many ways in just the hour and a half we were together. It was nice to talk to someone who can sympathize. I truly appreciate everyone who has been there for me that can empathize, please don't misunderstand. I wouldn't be where I am right now without all of you. But there is something to being able to share with someone who has experienced the loss you have. Their advice meant a lot too. One of them suggested finding a safe place (like your garage or backyard), laying down a tablecloth, getting some cheap plates (Goodwill here I come!) and smashing them to get some anger out. It seems so simple, but I hadn't thought of it and it does sound amazing. That's the trouble with the anger Adam and I are feeling, we can't direct it at anything. It's no one's fault, so we can't focus it at someone (although I have been focusing a lot of it at my cervix . . . it has one job, just one and it can't do that properly. The heart has to do a lot more not to mention the brain . . . the cervix just has to stay closed until the baby is full term and ready to be born. Stupid cervix.). We're just kind of mad at the universe in general. Having some more outlets (we've both been using exercise thus far) would be good.
Talking, especially in a group setting, may not be for everyone, but it was good for me tonight. I went to this meeting not sure I would go to another one. Tonight when I got home I programmed all the meetings for the rest of the year into the calendar on my phone. Knowing I can have a place every month to let things out, ask questions and get advice from people with experience is a relief. Next month's topic is "Future Pregnancy" and while I know we're not there yet, it's something we've both already been thinking (and worrying) about. So here's to support groups, something I never thought I'd need but am glad are there.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Marker
Yet another thing I never thought I'd have to think about when I found out I was pregnant in February. A marker for our daughter's grave. Madeline was buried yesterday. I called Wednesday because I knew it would be sometime this week and I wanted to go see her afterwards. They said it would happen the next morning and told me to call in the afternoon to see what specific plot she was in.
Since I knew when it would happen I started to do some research on a marker. Last week someone at the cemetery had given me a few recommendations of places to have it made. I had looked at some that were already there to get an idea of what we might want to put on it. As much as I didn't want to do it or deal with it, I knew now we needed to. I looked up their addresses. Two were in Lexington very close to the cemetery so I decided to stop in after visiting Madeline.
I called yesterday afternoon and they said she had been buried and exactly where in "Babyland" (the section in the cemetery specifically for infants and small children) her grave was. They told me there would be a flag as well to help find it. Adam had to go to work and my sister in law was visiting so she offered to go with me.
It was a beautiful day. We parked off to the side of the section and walked around. Her grave was easy to find. It was sad, but it felt good to know where she was and where she would be. Now I can visit her whenever I want to or need to. We stopped at Kroger on the way and I found some roses that were very similar to the first flowers Adam ever got me. I thought they were appropriate. I laid them on her grave, told her I loved her and we walked back to the car. I left feeling a jumble of emotions.
After leaving the cemetery we went to the first of the two monument companies. The gentleman we talked to was nice enough to start. He immediately pulled out a form and asked what I wanted. I had no concrete idea. I had some general ideas, but I've never done this before and never thought I'd have to. I was bewildered and overwhelmed. He didn't offer much help. He gave us a quote and I left feeling even more depressed. I wasn't happy with what we'd talked about and the experience in general.
Then we went to the second place. I was dreading it after our experience at the first place. We walked in and the receptionist took some information before getting someone for us to talk to. When he walked up front the first thing he said as he held out his hand was, "Ms. Browne you have my condolences." Already so much better than the first place. He showed us an example in the show room of the two types of granite we could chose from. I liked the gray the best. Then we walked to an office and he pulled out some examples of things they had done in the past so I could get more of an idea of fonts and what to put on it. He was so understanding and not pushy. He made me feel at ease. He worked up a rough sketch for me so I could show it to Adam and we could decide that night. I felt so much better after we left.
Adam and I talked about it and decided to go with the second place. We both liked the sketch better and I liked the people better. The size is determined by the cemetery, 16in x8in. It will be flush with the ground and made out of gray granite. It will have her name on two lines at the top followed by her date of birth and death. It will appear twice to signify that she did live, even if it was for a short time. There will be two butterflies to the side. At the very bottom it will say "Beloved daughter of Adam and Amanda."
I went back today to finalize everything and order it. I met with the same gentleman and he was again very nice. Next week we'll get a mock up in the mail of what it will look like. If it is all correct we approve it and they get started. It will be done and installed in 60-90 days.
When I left today it really hit me. This is the final step. We actually ordered a marker for our daughter's grave. There is no more denial. I was upset but also felt a sense of relief. I had been dreading this so much and at least now it was over. It will be a pretty marker and when I visit her I can remember how much we loved her. Knowing where she is and being able to visit has already helped me and I know it will continue to.
Since I knew when it would happen I started to do some research on a marker. Last week someone at the cemetery had given me a few recommendations of places to have it made. I had looked at some that were already there to get an idea of what we might want to put on it. As much as I didn't want to do it or deal with it, I knew now we needed to. I looked up their addresses. Two were in Lexington very close to the cemetery so I decided to stop in after visiting Madeline.
I called yesterday afternoon and they said she had been buried and exactly where in "Babyland" (the section in the cemetery specifically for infants and small children) her grave was. They told me there would be a flag as well to help find it. Adam had to go to work and my sister in law was visiting so she offered to go with me.
It was a beautiful day. We parked off to the side of the section and walked around. Her grave was easy to find. It was sad, but it felt good to know where she was and where she would be. Now I can visit her whenever I want to or need to. We stopped at Kroger on the way and I found some roses that were very similar to the first flowers Adam ever got me. I thought they were appropriate. I laid them on her grave, told her I loved her and we walked back to the car. I left feeling a jumble of emotions.
After leaving the cemetery we went to the first of the two monument companies. The gentleman we talked to was nice enough to start. He immediately pulled out a form and asked what I wanted. I had no concrete idea. I had some general ideas, but I've never done this before and never thought I'd have to. I was bewildered and overwhelmed. He didn't offer much help. He gave us a quote and I left feeling even more depressed. I wasn't happy with what we'd talked about and the experience in general.
Then we went to the second place. I was dreading it after our experience at the first place. We walked in and the receptionist took some information before getting someone for us to talk to. When he walked up front the first thing he said as he held out his hand was, "Ms. Browne you have my condolences." Already so much better than the first place. He showed us an example in the show room of the two types of granite we could chose from. I liked the gray the best. Then we walked to an office and he pulled out some examples of things they had done in the past so I could get more of an idea of fonts and what to put on it. He was so understanding and not pushy. He made me feel at ease. He worked up a rough sketch for me so I could show it to Adam and we could decide that night. I felt so much better after we left.
Adam and I talked about it and decided to go with the second place. We both liked the sketch better and I liked the people better. The size is determined by the cemetery, 16in x8in. It will be flush with the ground and made out of gray granite. It will have her name on two lines at the top followed by her date of birth and death. It will appear twice to signify that she did live, even if it was for a short time. There will be two butterflies to the side. At the very bottom it will say "Beloved daughter of Adam and Amanda."
I went back today to finalize everything and order it. I met with the same gentleman and he was again very nice. Next week we'll get a mock up in the mail of what it will look like. If it is all correct we approve it and they get started. It will be done and installed in 60-90 days.
When I left today it really hit me. This is the final step. We actually ordered a marker for our daughter's grave. There is no more denial. I was upset but also felt a sense of relief. I had been dreading this so much and at least now it was over. It will be a pretty marker and when I visit her I can remember how much we loved her. Knowing where she is and being able to visit has already helped me and I know it will continue to.
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