Today is 11 months since Madeline was born and died. I can't believe we are only a month away from a year. I can't believe it's been that long already. We've been going through this for almost a year and at the same time it feels like it's been a lifetime and just a few months.
This month's anniversary has been a little harder than last month. I'm not sure why exactly. I'm sure part of it is that we're so close to a year now. I also think it's my hormones. So far during this pregnancy I really haven't had too many mood swings or been more emotional than I usually am. But last week it was like anything made me cry or want to cry. I'm sure it's a combination of all these things.
It's also interesting that this anniversary also falls on Memorial Day. A day when we're supposed to remember those we've lost seems appropriate for a monthly anniversary. I didn't go see her today though. We just got back from visiting Adam's family for the weekend and I didn't have time before the cemetery closed. I'm going tomorrow.
I think this month is also clouded with all my thoughts about next month. We still haven't decided if we're going to do anything organized or not. Part of me wants to do something with family and friends so they can use that time to remember Madeline as well. And another part of me just wants it to be Adam and I. We'll see. On her actual birthday I know that Adam and I will go to the cemetery to see her and take her some new flowers. I'd also like to take a family picture with her tree in our backyard. I think that would be a nice yearly tradition. It will show it's growth as well as our family's growth. I also found a memorial stone with a lovely saying and butterflies on it that I want to place next to her tree.
Something else I've been thinking about is a suggestion from my therapist. She said to get a birthday card and write in it my thoughts and feelings that day. I can add it to her memory box (I finally found one I like that will fit her box from the hospital as well as everything else). It will be a way for me to get my emotions out and remember her at the same time. I could do it every year. It sounds like a good idea and something I'd like to try. The only thing I need to decide is if I get a generic birthday card or look for one that's specific for 1st birthday or is a kid's card. I've already done a bit of looking and I may have to go with a generic card. The others all talk about growing up and accomplishments of the year. Not exactly appropriate. I'm sure I'll find something in the next month.
As we get closer to this baby's due date I think more and more about Madeline and what it would be like to have her here with us and how different things are going to be. I still struggle with guilt some days. Guilt that I didn't allow myself enough time to truly grieve for Madeline before I was pregnant again. Guilt that I'm not giving this baby everything I should because I'm thinking about Madeline. Guilt that instead of thinking about a birthday party I'm thinking about some sort of memorial (it was still my body that failed . . . I've come to a lot better terms with this but it still gets me sometimes). Guilt that I've put some things off to do with this baby because of my reservations due to losing Madeline (I'm taking the first class about birth this week and the actual birthing class Adam and I are taking together isn't until mid June . . . giving us only a little over a month before she's due to practice. I just kept putting it off because I'd been deciding what classes we were going to take with Madeline right before I went into the hospital and I couldn't get past that mental block). Guilt that this little girl is still just our baby girl because I can't decide on a name (again . . . I have so many bad and sad associations with it I can't quite bring myself to make the final decision yet). Most days I'm able to handle these feelings and put them into perspective. Some days are better than others.
I miss her. I wonder what her personality would be like now. I wonder how her features would have changed as she grew. I wonder what milestones she would have passed by now and when she would have achieved them. I wonder what life would have been like with two kids. But I have to remember it's OK to wonder, but not let myself get so caught up in them I'm thrown back to where I was emotionally. She will always be my daughter and I will always love her. I wish things were different, but I can't change it. I just have to remember the happiness she brought us for the short time we had her. I also have to thank her for making us realize how much of a gift having children is. I know that we're so much more grateful for her sister because we know how different things could be.
Sorry this is so disjointed and all over the place today. It's been that kind of day and it's coming through in my writing. Thanks for reading.
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