As of June 15th we're now officially in the stage of remembering what was happening with Madeline a year ago. I've been waiting for these days to start with trepidation. I'm truly a jumble of emotions (which I'm assured is totally normal . . . so there's that). I'm sad remembering Madeline while happy about this baby while sad I feel like I'm neglecting Madeline because of this baby and vice versa and trying not to let myself get pulled down as far as I was. It's a roller coaster and it's exhausting. I'm reminded of the scene in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix where Hermione describes all of the emotions Cho Chang must have been feeling and Ron saying someone couldn't feel all of that at the same time because they'd explode. Truth Ron . . . truth. While I know my emotional range is larger than a teaspoon I still feel like I might explode some days.
I'd been told that as the year anniversary approaches to not be surprised if my grief felt fresh again. Like it had just happened. They weren't lying. I haven't broken down as much as I did then but everything has been raw and I've pulled into myself more than I would like. I've tried to not let it get as bad as I was before I started seeing my counselor, but it hasn't been as successful as I'd like. There have been several days that I don't want to deal with anyone or anything. However I've also had a packed schedule with various appointments (baby related and otherwise) and visits from family. So finding that balance of doing what I need to do while still having my time to cocoon has made it taxing as well. Also, these pregnancy hormones are really getting me. I cry at the drop of the hat these days. Pregnancy hormones plus grief is a crazy combination. The guilt also comes into play too.
Needless to say this month has been a roller coaster and will continue to be. My counselor told me that once we get past the 26th I should feel more equalized. Here's hoping. She reminded me again that as a mother I can split my love and it's OK to focus on one child more for a while . . . especially now. I keep telling myself that but it's still sometimes hard to believe it and not feel guilty.
I also can't quite believe it's been a year since everything started. When did that happen? A year. A whole entire year has passed. There were days I never thought this time would come and others where I felt like surely it had already happened. I've been thinking about this for so long and now it's here. In a way it's almost a relief. They say the first year is the hardest because of all the milestones happening for the first time. The next time it's a little easier because you know more what to expect. Time will tell. We're not through it yet but it's all I can think about these days. Her birthday will be here before we know it . . . less than a week. Wow.
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