I can't believe it's been a year. How did that happen? There were times I thought this day would never come it seemed so far away and times I felt like it should have already happened. But I suppose that's normal. A year ago our daughter was born and a year ago she died. Even though it's a part of my reality now there are still times I still can't quite believe it.
Overall today hasn't been as bad as I'd been expecting. The build up leading to today was so much worse. Again, that's pretty normal and what other milestones have been like throughout this first year. Today wasn't different. The early morning hours of today were the hardest. I reread my entry about June 26th of last year around 11pm. I wanted to remember what happened and all the emotions I felt. It was my way to start remembering and honoring our daughter. Here's the link to my June 26, 3013 post if you're interested. At midnight I was thinking about realizing a year ago at that time that Madeline was going to be born and that there was nothing we could do to stop it. Until 3am I was thinking about being in labor (and also wondering how I will be able to compare this little girl's arrival to her sister's). A little after 3am I said Happy Birthday to my daughter. It was officially a year.
Adam and I pulled down her box and looked through her pictures and keepsakes again. We have a picture of her feet displayed all the time, but I hadn't looked at the others in a while. That was hard. I remembered how beautiful she was even though she was so small. And how she had so many of Adam and my features. They also reminded me just how tiny she really was. Looking at her stats is one thing, but seeing the picture of her next to her bear (which lives on my bedside stand and I slept with last night) really brings it home. I remembered how light she was. It felt like holding nothing. But she was perfect even though she was tiny.
I'd had a long day yesterday so I went to bed not long after looking through her box again. I couldn't fall asleep before we hit 3am, but afterwards my exhaustion really came to the forefront. I brought her bear to bed with me and didn't take too long to fall asleep (thank goodness for exhaustion other wise I think I would have had trouble). I slept through her time of death and I think that was a good thing.
This morning my parents, Adam's parents and his sister came in to town to remember our daughter on her birthday. Once we'd all said hello we went to the cemetery. It was such a beautiful day and I was thankful for that. It made it easier to think about the joys Madeline brought to us instead of only focusing on her loss. We brought flowers and some butterfly stakes to decorate. We stayed for a while mostly just thinking to ourselves. Any time I tried to talk to her out loud I cried, so I just told her what I needed to inside. I know she still heard me. At one point everyone kind of backed off and gave Adam and I a few minutes to ourselves which was nice too. We had a family moment and then I was ready to go.
Afterwards everyone came back to our house and we had lunch. It was nice to have some family time and enjoy each other's company. We talked about Madeline but we also talked about other things. I had worried about thinking or talking about this little girl too much during the day (guilt yet again), but it wasn't as bad as I'd predicted. I felt a little guilty, but then I reminded myself that this will always be Madeline's special day but that it's OK to think about other things too. I love them both and it's fine to give them both attention on this day (goodness knows I'm sure I'll think about Madeline at some point on this little girl's birthdays too).
Before Adam had to go to work we took some pictures in front of Madeline's tree. It's been doing so well and I'm so glad. Every time I look at it I think of her. I think this will make a nice family tradition every year. We'll have at least one family photo that she is represented in every year. We can see her tree grow as our family does.
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| On either side so you can actually see her tree |
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| In front trying to make it more obvious her sister is in the picture too |
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| It's not a family picture without the dogs (I didn't trust bringing Martin the cat outside) |
Adam had to go to work but his family stayed for a little while after to keep visiting and work on some stuff to get ready for Madeline's little sister. My father-in-law helped (and by that I mean he figured it out and did it. . . engineer) install the car seat base in my car (we're down to a little over 5 weeks until she's due). It was nice to be able to think about both of our daughters today and not feel the overwhelming guilt I have been.
I would be lying if I said I hadn't had some thoughts about what should have been. It would be odd not to. A first birthday is not supposed to include a visit to your child's grave. But I think because I'd built up how bad this day was going to be I got a lot of those thoughts out of the way before today (like a birthday cake, what would she be like at a year? would she be walking? how much talking? what characters and toys would she like? who would she look more like?). So when I thought of them today it wasn't as painful.
The day's not over but we're in the home stretch. It's been better than I expected. I've gotten teary a few times and the early morning hours were really hard, but I haven't spent the day curled up in a ball of grief and I'm so thankful for that. It's mostly due to the amazing support and love I have around me. Thank you to all of you. I'm humbled and so lucky to have the support system I do.
I still miss her. I still wish she was here. I still think that it wasn't fair that we lost her. But I can't not be grateful for the happiness she did bring to our lives. I would never wish that we'd never had her despite the pain and grief. She will always be a part of us and while I know it won't always be easy (goodness knows getting through this first year has been a huge struggle) I hope that as time goes on I'll be able to focus on the happiness a lot more. I think I'm on my way towards that.
Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you Madeline. I can't believe it's been a year since I held you. Thank you for the joy you brought to us in your short life. You will always be our baby girl. I hope you felt the love we sent to you today. Happy Birthday my sweet girl.
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| Sampler our good family friend (I call her Mom II) made for Madeline. It will hang in the nursery with the one she's making for this little girl. |
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