Mother's Day

While today could have been a bad day, I'm really glad it wasn't.  I've had a lot of thoughts and feelings coming up to this day and like so often happens, what your mind comes up with and what reality is are quite different.

Last year I was pregnant for Mother's Day as well.  I got well wishes from lots of people as well as some cards and a gift from my Mom.  Several of the cards said "Happy First Mother's Day" and that's something I've been thinking about coming up to today.  This is my second Mother's Day and that is still weird to me because even though I'm a mother, I don't have a child with me (on the outside anyway).  It's kind of surreal.

I think if I wasn't pregnant this day would have been a lot different for me.  Because I have this little girl growing inside me I'm able to think to the future and remember Madeline in a positive way.  I can think about the joy she brought us during pregnancy and the love we felt for her when we held her.  After all, she's the reason I am a mother.  Without being able to think to the future I know this day would have been a lot harder.  It would have been more difficult not to dwell on the sadness of missing her and wishing she were here with us.  If she had been born when she was due I would have had an almost seven month old right now (and that's something crazy to think about).

I still miss her (every day) and love her.  I still wish she was here.  But she made me a mother and that is something precious I am thankful for.  Before we know it her little sister will be here to light up our lives and allow me live out the role of mother.  I know it will be an adventure (full of ups and downs), but I'm looking forward to it.  I have so many wonderful mom role models in my life and I hope I'm able to be the kind of mother to this little girl that they have been and still are to me and their children.

So Happy Mother's Day to all of you out there.  I know this isn't always an easy day (those of us who have lost children and those who have lost mothers or mothers to their children or someone who was like a mother to you).  But I hope you're able to remember the good things and happy memories (even if you don't have many).

I remember hearing both girls' heartbeats for the first time.  I remember feeling them both move for the first time.  I remember Adam getting to feel them move for the first time.  I remember how beautiful Madeline was.  I remember her sweet nose (which she got from me) and her second toe was longer than the first (which she got from Adam).  I remember the love that surrounded her and us the day she was born.  I remember our doctor's appointment this past week that made both Adam and I feel so much better because we got so much good information about this baby.  I remember the sad things too, but I can't deny the joy both of these babies have brought to me.  While I wish things were different and Madeline was here, I'm glad I was able to be her mother even if it was for a short time.  And I'm looking forward to the future being the best Mom I can be to this baby girl.