High Risk Appointment 2

We had our second appointment with the high risk doctor today (Jan. 20) to see if we're good to go with the cerclage.  I was nervous about this appointment (as I am about all of them at this point) because I'd like to have the surgery as soon as possible.  I know we need to wait until the end of the first trimester to make sure everything is OK and it's safe to essentially seal up the uterus, but I'm just ready to have that bit of security.

We were called back pretty quickly and the tech started the ultrasound.  The baby looked good and was pretty active.  It was nice to see him or her moving around.  More proof of life and growth.  The ultrasound was longer than I had initially expected but getting to see our baby longer was just fine with me.  The tech looked at my cervix (still nice and long), checked the baby's growth and tried to get a measurement of the back of the neck (if it's too thick it can be an indicator of a neurological problem).  The baby wasn't cooperating with the last part because he or she kept laying on the bottom of my uterus making it difficult to see the neck.

We saw another doctor (there are 3 in the practice) this time.  She did the ultrasound too and was able to get the measurement of the neck and it looked good (not too thick).  After double checking the baby and my cervix she said going ahead with the surgery this week would be her recommendation.  She said everything looked good and we would be close enough to the end of the first trimester that doing it now was fine.  She called up and got me scheduled for Thursday in the morning.

The only other thing we talked about was possibly starting progesterone again once I hit about 16 weeks.  Progesterone helps keep the cervix closed at that point in pregnancy.  It's something we're going to think about.  The other doctor (who we saw with Madeline) said he didn't think it was necessary.  As he put it, "Progesterone strengthens the cervix, but we're putting a stitch in it.  You can't get much stronger than that."  He also said that research doesn't show that adding progesterone to a cerclage made a significant difference.  We'll talk about it again after the surgery.

It's still hard to believe this is all happening.  I'm glad we're getting this part over with.  I think I'll feel a lot better and more confident afterwards.  Hopefully it will be more real and I'll be able to deal with things better.  I won't be able to live in denial anymore, which is a good thing.

Support Group January

At support group this month a mother who had experienced loss and then a successful pregnancy came in to talk to us.  I had seen her at the walk in October and the candlelight service in December and it was nice to actually meet her and hear her story.  She has an incompetent cervix as well.  This was another helpful point for me.  Now I have met someone who has the same problem I do and now has a healthy toddler and had an uneventful pregnancy.  She gave us some tips about going through pregnancy again and incorporating your lost child into your living child's life.

We of course talked about other things as people needed to.  There were two new mothers at this meeting.  While I wish there was no need to see new faces, I'm glad this group is here and I hope they got as much out of it as I do.  

Afterwards two of us stayed a bit to talk to the woman who runs the group about our pregnancies since we didn't want to share that with the group as a whole.  We didn't want to upset anyone.  That was something we wanted to discuss with her.  There is nothing that says we can't keep coming throughout our pregnancy, but I worry about upsetting someone if I look obviously pregnant even if I don't talk about it (although it will probably be a while until I really show).  I don't want to lose this outlet and support, but I also don't want to make it harder on someone else.  After talking to our leader for a bit she asked if we would be interested in a Pregnancy After Loss support group.  It's something she's always wanted to start, but timing and knowing enough people who would want to take advantage of it has been an issue.  The two of us who were there said yes.  That way we would still have that outlet and support and not have to worry about making it harder on someone else.  As long as it's not obvious I'm pregnant I still plan on attending this support group as well (it can't hurt to have two places right?).  She said she'd email us about a time and date and hopefully start in February.

8 Months

Today is 8 months.  It hasn't been so bad.  I've thought about it a lot and talked about Madeline, but overall it wasn't such a bad day.  Part of the reason it wasn't so bad is that it is my Meme's 94th birthday today.  I went to see her and celebrate so it helped take my mind off of it a bit.  I also told her I'm pregnant.  I'd been waiting until I was a little further along.  She has dementia and memory problems, but she remembers we lost Madeline and I didn't want to put her though that again just in case.  But since everything is looking good so far I thought it was safe to tell her.  I'll be 18 weeks Saturday so I'm starting to feel a little more confident.  She was happy for us and wanted to know if we knew boy or girl yet.  I told her no but we'd tell her when we do know.  It was a nice visit and we had cupcakes to celebrate.  The rest of the day has been pretty uneventful.  I ran some errands, came home and cooked dinner, and now I'm relaxing with the animals.

I still miss her and think about her everyday.  But it's getting easier to think about how happy she made us instead of focusing on the sadness of losing her.  Now, that's not the case every day (and my emotions being all over the place doesn't help).  Last week I had a particularly bad day, but it's to be expected.  There will always be days where it really hits me.

The main thing I'm struggling with right now is guilt about this new baby.  I know logically that having this baby and loving this baby doesn't mean I love or miss Madeline any less.  But emotionally it's hard to separate.  I'm glad today was easier than a lot of the month anniversary days have been, but at the same time I feel bad.  I know I'm allowed to feel better and it's a good thing to not be focusing on only sadness.  Knowing that and actually letting myself feel OK with it are different things.

I still sometimes can't believe I was pregnant a year ago and that I'm close to where I was with Madeline right now.  I hope I'm able to separate this pregnancy from my pregnancy with Madeline through the next month.  I also still can't quite believe it's been 8 months since she was born and we lost her.  There are days it feels like it just happened and days that it feels like it was a long time ago (the past year being a lot of a blur doesn't help with telling time either).  I still wish she were here with us but I'm glad today wasn't as hard as it could have been.

Regular OBGYN Appointment 2

Mid January

So we went to my second prenatal appointment.  It's just routine so at first Adam wasn't going to come with me, but I had some spotting a couple days ago so he decided to come just in case.  I've been trying to be positive or just live in denial, but I've been preparing for the worst ever since.  It's an awful mindset, but I didn't know how else to cope.  I've been taking the progesterone supplement again and it can cause spotting so that could be all it is, but it's hard to not immediately think of the worst.

We had quite a long wait before the appointment so by the time we were called back we were both even more on edge.  I was just ready to know one way or the other.  The nurse did the usual stuff (weight, blood pressure, etc.) and then pulled out the doppler so we could listen to the baby's heartbeat. I was just at 12 weeks so I knew it might be difficult.  Plus my uterus tilts back which doesn't help.  The first time they tried with Madeline it took forever to find the heartbeat and then they couldn't hold onto it long enough to get an accurate beats per minute.  I ended up going to have an ultrasound to get it.  I knew all of this going in and thought I'd prepared myself mentally for them not to be able to find it right away.  That didn't make it any easier.  Especially with my worries because of the spotting.  The nurse tried for a good 5 minutes and didn't find anything.  Not a blip.  Then my doctor came in and tried for another several and again couldn't find anything.  Needless to say I was on edge and preparing for the worst at this point.  She sent us back for an ultrasound and told us not to worry for all the reasons I listed above.  Easier said than done.

They have a small waiting room next to the ultrasound rooms and we waited there for another 30 minutes or so for them to work us into the regular appointments.  Adam and I just sat there saying nothing.  I couldn't.  I didn't want to believe the worst but at this point it was hard to be positive.  Finally they called us back and I laid on the table.  As soon as the tech brought the baby up on the monitor we saw it move and breathed a sigh of relief.  She then quickly found the heartbeat and let us listen to it for a bit just to ease our minds.  Everything looked good.  I could finally breathe.

We went back to see my doctor afterwards and she said everything looks good with me and the baby.  Just to keep doing what I'm doing and let her know when the high risk doctor scheduled the cerclage.  Hopefully if everything goes well with the surgery I'll go back to only seeing my regular doctor until they need to take the stitch out.

The rest of the day has been a wash.  I didn't sleep well before the appointment because I was worried (also I'm just not sleeping well in general lately) and all of the worry just drained me.  I took a nap and spent the rest of the day cuddled with my animals on the couch not doing anything mentally stimulating.  Glad this day is over and things seem to be good.  If we can get through the first trimester maybe I'll be able to be happy and normal.

Christmas

I'm a jumble of emotions (not that we're surprised).  I'm sad because I wish Madeline was here, I'm trying to be happy because there's a new life growing in me . . . and it just feels like another day.  We decided to tell our families at Christmas because as least if something bad happens we'd at least get some happiness for a time.  Plus a few more good thoughts coming our way can't hurt.  We told my family on Christmas day in various ways since we weren't able to see them.  We told Adam's family the weekend after since we were all getting together.  That was one nice thing.  I've always had this notion/dream/idea of telling everyone we're having a baby at a big family gathering (especially Christmas).  I actually got to live that out.

Aside from telling our families I'm still living in a bit of denial (a bit is putting it lightly).  I'm trying to keep myself emotionally distant to keep possible hurt at bay.  I know logically that really won't help, but it's all my brain can think of to help me deal.  I hope after the cerclage I'll be able to be more positive and outwardly happy.  It's still hard right now.

High Risk Appointment 1

December 23

Today I had my first appointment with the high risk doctor.  I had to fill out all those forms with depressing questions again, but this time when the nurse called me back she went over them with me and didn't make me feel uncomfortable.  That was a relief.

I had an ultrasound today as well.  The doctor who took care of us while I was in the hospital is my doctor for this pregnancy as well.  I'm glad.  He knows me, knows my history (because he was there) and he's knowledgeable and answers questions without talking down to you.  He came in to observe the ultrasound and then talked to me and my mom after (Adam had to work).

Even though it had only been a few days since the last ultrasound I was still nervous.  But right away she let us hear the heartbeat and it was still strong.  The picture on this ultrasound was a lot crisper and the baby looked less like a blob.  We could see the start of arms and legs.  The tech measured my cervix (another thing I was dreading/hoping for) and it looks good.  Plenty long enough right now.

The doctor said everything thus far looks good and we'll just keep waiting to see what happens.  I'll come back in a month and if everything still looks good they'll schedule the cerclage for the following week (the last week in January).  It's outpatient surgery and will be performed where I had it last time (but under better circumstances).  I'll have to take it easy for a week but then should be able to continue as normal, just no stressing too much or heavy lifting (and no trampolines . . . I think I can handle that). They'll see me a couple weeks after the surgery to see how the stitch is doing and then I should just be monitored by my regular doctor until 37 weeks when they'll take the stitch out.  I'm looking forward to a normal chain of events with this surgery.  He said there's no reason to think the surgery won't allow me to have a normal pregnancy.  Last time there wasn't much to work with and they had to push the membranes back in.  This time there will be none of that and plenty of cervix to work with.

I felt good leaving his office.  We have a plan.  I just need to make it through this next month and hopefully then everything will still look good and I'll have the surgery and then I'll feel a lot better.  I'm still being cautiously optimistic, but each day we make it through is another day closer to August 2.

Regular OBGYN Appointment 1

December 19

I had my first official prenatal appointment today.  I'm still kind of in shock.  I don't know when that will go away.  I had to fill out the many forms that come with this first appointment.  I could have done without that.  The section that asks for "number of pregnancies" "number of miscarriages" "number of living children" etc. is always a kick in the gut.  Maybe someday I'll get used to it, but today was not that day.

We got called back for an ultrasound first.  This was the part I was most looking forward to and most dreading.  Hearing that heartbeat makes or breaks the rest of everything.  Luckily that was the first thing the tech did after she found the baby.  There was a strong heartbeat and we could even see it beating.  I let out a sigh of relief and squeezed Adam's hand.  It was more real and happy.  More than I was willing to hope for until then.  The baby (or blob . . . not really much to see at this point . . . but a pretty amazing blob) looked good and was measuring pretty close to where it should be (a day or two behind what they expected but normal).  She printed out a couple pictures for us and then sent us back out to the waiting room to wait for our appointment with the doctor.

The nurse who took us back was a bit much for me.  I know she was just trying to be nice, but she told us congratulations and how excited she was for us at least 5 times.  We're happy too, but at the same time scared, nervous and trying to be realistic.  If she'd read my chart maybe that would have come across.  I say that because I know she didn't read it.  I had to explain everything I filled out on those forms to her in person.  I understand they have a lot of patients, but if I'm going to have to tell you anyway why make me fill out the form?  It's a double whammy of depressing.  I don't mind talking about it, it just would be nice to do one or the other.  Or go over the paperwork with the nurse so they are prepared instead of asking stupid questions.  For example:
Nurse - "What pregnancy is this for you?"
Me - (I filled this out why didn't she look at it?) "This is my third pregnancy."
Nurse - "Oh!  Do you have 2 children at home?!" (in an excited voice)
Me - *pause* "No, we don't have any living children"

Once the nurse left I was glad we'd only be seeing my doctor from then on.  I like my doctor enough that I can get over annoying nurses.  My doctor came in and said my blood work all looked good and my pap looked normal.  There was another test they didn't do last time so I ended up going back down to the lab afterwards, but no big deal.  She said baby was looking good and to keep on the progesterone.  She ended up writing me another prescription for my prenatal vitamin so I could get the generic (the one I had the first month was $60 . . . quite steep . . . it's much more reasonable now).  She asked if we had any questions for her or about what to expect with the high risk appointment but we'd pretty much covered everything.  My official due date is August 2.

As we left I felt much more at ease than when we'd arrived.  I knew our baby was so far growing the way it should and had a heartbeat.  At this point that's all we can ask for.  It feels more like reality now. I've had some pregnancy symptoms, but like with Madeline it hasn't been too bad.  Tiredness is the main symptom I've been dealing with.  I had some nausea for a week or so and have just started having breast tenderness, but overall I can't complain.  We'll see what happens as time goes on.

Initial Doctor's Appointment

Early December

I had my yearly exam today and told my doctor I'm pregnant.  She was very supportive and nice as she always is.  I'm glad we have her on this journey with us.  Today wasn't much different from my regular yearly exam except I went down for the initial pregnancy blood work afterwards.  I'll be back in a couple weeks for my first true prenatal appointment.

My doctor went ahead and started me on the progesterone again.  I'll be taking that through the first trimester.  She also put me on a prenatal vitamin with 1mg of folic acid as a boost.  It's prescription (over the counter you can only get 800 micrograms), but worth it.  She had some samples she gave me to help a bit too.  Her office is also going to make me an appointment with the high risk doctor's office to talk about the cerclage and how they might monitor me throughout this pregnancy.

Not much to tell or report yet.  It's still early and we won't have an ultrasound until the next appointment.  I'm still in a bit of denial.  I know it's real, but until I see the baby and hear a heartbeat on the ultrasound I don't think it really will be.  And for right now I'm OK with that.

Update 2 and first previous post

First of all I want to thank all of you for you love, kind words and support.  It's been a roller coaster (and will probably continue to be so) but thus far all is going well and knowing we have so many people in our corner is such a comfort.

This month has been a bit crazy but it's slowing down now so I'll be posting all my previously written posts to catch everyone up on what's been going on.  Below is the first one from the day I found out I was pregnant.



Wow

The title of this post is pretty lame, but it sums up my feelings about now.  I just found out I'm pregnant.  It's the beginning of December.  Wow.  I'm kind of a jumble of emotions right now, but mostly just in shock.  I truly was not expecting this.  At all.  Adam and I had talked a lot about when we would be ready to start trying again.  After much discussion we decided that in November we would stop not trying to get pregnant and just see what happens.  For those of you who know me and my stages of trying to have a baby, we were on Step 2 (Step 1 = Trying to NOT have a baby, Step 2 = Not NOT trying to have baby, Step 3 = Trying to have a baby).  That's all it took apparently.  Who knew Step 2 would ever work for us?  I certainly wasn't expecting it.

I have a doctor's appointment for my yearly exam so it's nice that while it's still early (I'm only around 4-5 weeks right now) I'll be able get all that initial blood work out of the way and most likely start the progesterone again.  We'll see what else to doctor has to say and go from there.

I don't know how things are going to go (like any of us ever do in anything) but for now I'm going to stay in a little disbelief.  I'm happy, don't get me wrong, but it's still a shock.  I never thought it would happen this quickly.  Maybe this is a good sign.  Here's hoping!