Today is 11 months since Madeline was born and died. I can't believe we are only a month away from a year. I can't believe it's been that long already. We've been going through this for almost a year and at the same time it feels like it's been a lifetime and just a few months.
This month's anniversary has been a little harder than last month. I'm not sure why exactly. I'm sure part of it is that we're so close to a year now. I also think it's my hormones. So far during this pregnancy I really haven't had too many mood swings or been more emotional than I usually am. But last week it was like anything made me cry or want to cry. I'm sure it's a combination of all these things.
It's also interesting that this anniversary also falls on Memorial Day. A day when we're supposed to remember those we've lost seems appropriate for a monthly anniversary. I didn't go see her today though. We just got back from visiting Adam's family for the weekend and I didn't have time before the cemetery closed. I'm going tomorrow.
I think this month is also clouded with all my thoughts about next month. We still haven't decided if we're going to do anything organized or not. Part of me wants to do something with family and friends so they can use that time to remember Madeline as well. And another part of me just wants it to be Adam and I. We'll see. On her actual birthday I know that Adam and I will go to the cemetery to see her and take her some new flowers. I'd also like to take a family picture with her tree in our backyard. I think that would be a nice yearly tradition. It will show it's growth as well as our family's growth. I also found a memorial stone with a lovely saying and butterflies on it that I want to place next to her tree.
Something else I've been thinking about is a suggestion from my therapist. She said to get a birthday card and write in it my thoughts and feelings that day. I can add it to her memory box (I finally found one I like that will fit her box from the hospital as well as everything else). It will be a way for me to get my emotions out and remember her at the same time. I could do it every year. It sounds like a good idea and something I'd like to try. The only thing I need to decide is if I get a generic birthday card or look for one that's specific for 1st birthday or is a kid's card. I've already done a bit of looking and I may have to go with a generic card. The others all talk about growing up and accomplishments of the year. Not exactly appropriate. I'm sure I'll find something in the next month.
As we get closer to this baby's due date I think more and more about Madeline and what it would be like to have her here with us and how different things are going to be. I still struggle with guilt some days. Guilt that I didn't allow myself enough time to truly grieve for Madeline before I was pregnant again. Guilt that I'm not giving this baby everything I should because I'm thinking about Madeline. Guilt that instead of thinking about a birthday party I'm thinking about some sort of memorial (it was still my body that failed . . . I've come to a lot better terms with this but it still gets me sometimes). Guilt that I've put some things off to do with this baby because of my reservations due to losing Madeline (I'm taking the first class about birth this week and the actual birthing class Adam and I are taking together isn't until mid June . . . giving us only a little over a month before she's due to practice. I just kept putting it off because I'd been deciding what classes we were going to take with Madeline right before I went into the hospital and I couldn't get past that mental block). Guilt that this little girl is still just our baby girl because I can't decide on a name (again . . . I have so many bad and sad associations with it I can't quite bring myself to make the final decision yet). Most days I'm able to handle these feelings and put them into perspective. Some days are better than others.
I miss her. I wonder what her personality would be like now. I wonder how her features would have changed as she grew. I wonder what milestones she would have passed by now and when she would have achieved them. I wonder what life would have been like with two kids. But I have to remember it's OK to wonder, but not let myself get so caught up in them I'm thrown back to where I was emotionally. She will always be my daughter and I will always love her. I wish things were different, but I can't change it. I just have to remember the happiness she brought us for the short time we had her. I also have to thank her for making us realize how much of a gift having children is. I know that we're so much more grateful for her sister because we know how different things could be.
Sorry this is so disjointed and all over the place today. It's been that kind of day and it's coming through in my writing. Thanks for reading.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Monday, May 19, 2014
First Baby Shower
May 10th I had my first baby shower (ever). Adam and I were in my hometown visiting my parents for Mother's Day weekend and a close family friend (I call her Mom II) threw it for me. It was so nice. Mostly family and a couple close friends. My mother in law and sister in law even came in for it. It was intimate and wonderful to catch up with everyone.
After everyone arrived we had some yummy finger foods, drinks and visited with each other. Everyone was comfortable and enjoyed each other's company. When we'd all had our fill we played the first game, Diaper Bag Bingo. Everyone filled out a small bingo board with items they thought I would pull out of a packed diaper bag (Mom did that part). It was fun listening to everyone's ideas and musings. I pulled things out at random and in the end my cousin won. She said having 4 grandkids helped.
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| Yummy food |
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| Chatting and eating |
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| My sister in law's bingo card . . . I love that she put Legos . . . she knows us so well |
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| Diaper bag |
The next game was "How big around is Amanda?" As Mom and I were discussing games I said I'd be ok with this one because I think it would be funny. I've played it at other showers before and it's funny to see who wants to win and who wants to be on the mother's good side and guess small. Mom passed around a roll of crepe paper and everyone tore off how much they though they'd need. Then I walked around to be the actual measure. Any excess was torn off. Whoever had the least amount left won. It was pretty funny and everyone got a kick out of it (especially everyone's complicated ways of guessing how much they'd need). A good friend who we did theater with won (my great aunt came in second).
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| My great aunt determining how much she'll need (my MIL is next to her) |
The last game was on the back of the bingo card, baby animals. There were about 25 different animals and everyone had to write down the name of the baby. Some were easy, but some I didn't know and never would have guessed. But we all learned something! My sister in law won that one.
After the games I opened all the lovely presents. We are so lucky to have so many people who love us and this little girl. We were truly showered with gifts (and love). She got lots of clothes in various sizes (so handy!). We're cloth diapering (wish us luck!) and got some of those as well as some disposable ones in the newborn size (those first couple weeks it'll just be easier) as well as a nice supply of wipes. She got some cute accessories (bows, socks, paci clips). We got a couple books to read to her and then together later. She got a cute teddy bear bank (never too soon to learn about saving). There were several bath time supplies (towels, washcloths, body wash, bedtime bath). We also got some of the car seat accessories we wanted (we already have the car seat, Mom II had gotten it for us when I was pregnant with Madeline and we decided to keep it and use it in the future . . . so thankful to have that already marked off our list). And finally the stroller we wanted. So many nice things and we can't thank all of you enough. We appreciate all of it and the thought that went into the gifts as well.
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| All of our lovely gifts |
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| Horse paci clip |
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| Basket of goodies from our cousins |
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| Her first fancy dress |
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| Reading material |
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| We'll have matching butterflies on our feet |
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| Cute towel set |
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| Cute sleeper |
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| Stroller |
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| Mom got a gift too! |
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This gift was from a Girl Scout friend who wrote a song called "My Unicorn Friend" that we always sang at camp. I can't wait to share that with this little girl and her very own unicorn friend.
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After the gifts we had cake and had some more social time. The cake was cute and delicious (Dave's Bakery in Flatwoods . . . so good).
Thank you to all of you who played a part in this shower (throwing it, coming, sending gifts). It was such a nice day and it meant so much to me. I truly appreciate everything. I know I say it a lot but it's so true, we're very lucky to have so many people who love us and this little girl.
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| Me with the grandmas |
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| The whole group |
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Mother's Day
While today could have been a bad day, I'm really glad it wasn't. I've had a lot of thoughts and feelings coming up to this day and like so often happens, what your mind comes up with and what reality is are quite different.
Last year I was pregnant for Mother's Day as well. I got well wishes from lots of people as well as some cards and a gift from my Mom. Several of the cards said "Happy First Mother's Day" and that's something I've been thinking about coming up to today. This is my second Mother's Day and that is still weird to me because even though I'm a mother, I don't have a child with me (on the outside anyway). It's kind of surreal.
I think if I wasn't pregnant this day would have been a lot different for me. Because I have this little girl growing inside me I'm able to think to the future and remember Madeline in a positive way. I can think about the joy she brought us during pregnancy and the love we felt for her when we held her. After all, she's the reason I am a mother. Without being able to think to the future I know this day would have been a lot harder. It would have been more difficult not to dwell on the sadness of missing her and wishing she were here with us. If she had been born when she was due I would have had an almost seven month old right now (and that's something crazy to think about).
I still miss her (every day) and love her. I still wish she was here. But she made me a mother and that is something precious I am thankful for. Before we know it her little sister will be here to light up our lives and allow me live out the role of mother. I know it will be an adventure (full of ups and downs), but I'm looking forward to it. I have so many wonderful mom role models in my life and I hope I'm able to be the kind of mother to this little girl that they have been and still are to me and their children.
So Happy Mother's Day to all of you out there. I know this isn't always an easy day (those of us who have lost children and those who have lost mothers or mothers to their children or someone who was like a mother to you). But I hope you're able to remember the good things and happy memories (even if you don't have many).
I remember hearing both girls' heartbeats for the first time. I remember feeling them both move for the first time. I remember Adam getting to feel them move for the first time. I remember how beautiful Madeline was. I remember her sweet nose (which she got from me) and her second toe was longer than the first (which she got from Adam). I remember the love that surrounded her and us the day she was born. I remember our doctor's appointment this past week that made both Adam and I feel so much better because we got so much good information about this baby. I remember the sad things too, but I can't deny the joy both of these babies have brought to me. While I wish things were different and Madeline was here, I'm glad I was able to be her mother even if it was for a short time. And I'm looking forward to the future being the best Mom I can be to this baby girl.
Last year I was pregnant for Mother's Day as well. I got well wishes from lots of people as well as some cards and a gift from my Mom. Several of the cards said "Happy First Mother's Day" and that's something I've been thinking about coming up to today. This is my second Mother's Day and that is still weird to me because even though I'm a mother, I don't have a child with me (on the outside anyway). It's kind of surreal.
I think if I wasn't pregnant this day would have been a lot different for me. Because I have this little girl growing inside me I'm able to think to the future and remember Madeline in a positive way. I can think about the joy she brought us during pregnancy and the love we felt for her when we held her. After all, she's the reason I am a mother. Without being able to think to the future I know this day would have been a lot harder. It would have been more difficult not to dwell on the sadness of missing her and wishing she were here with us. If she had been born when she was due I would have had an almost seven month old right now (and that's something crazy to think about).
I still miss her (every day) and love her. I still wish she was here. But she made me a mother and that is something precious I am thankful for. Before we know it her little sister will be here to light up our lives and allow me live out the role of mother. I know it will be an adventure (full of ups and downs), but I'm looking forward to it. I have so many wonderful mom role models in my life and I hope I'm able to be the kind of mother to this little girl that they have been and still are to me and their children.
So Happy Mother's Day to all of you out there. I know this isn't always an easy day (those of us who have lost children and those who have lost mothers or mothers to their children or someone who was like a mother to you). But I hope you're able to remember the good things and happy memories (even if you don't have many).
I remember hearing both girls' heartbeats for the first time. I remember feeling them both move for the first time. I remember Adam getting to feel them move for the first time. I remember how beautiful Madeline was. I remember her sweet nose (which she got from me) and her second toe was longer than the first (which she got from Adam). I remember the love that surrounded her and us the day she was born. I remember our doctor's appointment this past week that made both Adam and I feel so much better because we got so much good information about this baby. I remember the sad things too, but I can't deny the joy both of these babies have brought to me. While I wish things were different and Madeline was here, I'm glad I was able to be her mother even if it was for a short time. And I'm looking forward to the future being the best Mom I can be to this baby girl.
Friday, May 9, 2014
Regular OBGYN and High Risk Appointments for May
This week I had both my regular OBGYN appointment and high risk appointment. I also had both of my support group meetings. It's been busy!
At my regular appointment the main task was the glucose tolerance test. I came in about 15 minutes before my appointment, went down to the lab and got to drink the lovely drink that tasted like flat orange crush. They told me I had 10 minutes to drink it and I thought, "That's loads of time!" It took me about all of it. They told me what time I had to be back to get my blood drawn (an hour) and I went back upstairs to go to my appointment. I saw a new doctor because my doctor left the practice last month. I wasn't overly concerned because there's no guarantee who would deliver the baby anyway, it was just surprising. Luckily everyone I've seen in the practice I've liked so it was fine. My appointment went well. Her heartbeat was normal and my weight was fine. I filled the new doctor in on what's been going on and she said thus far everything looks good and we'll just keep doing what we're doing. She said she hoped to get my results by the end of the day and no news was good news. When I left they scheduled my next 3 appointments. One in May and then in June I switch to 2 a month. Afterwards I went back down to the lab and they drew my blood at the one hour mark.
That evening I had regular support group. I have a couple shirts that I can wear and still hide my pregnancy a bit. I was a bit nervous because I didn't want to upset someone by being obviously pregnant, but at the same time as we get closer to the year mark I need the meeting too. I hoped that if someone did notice (I never talk about my current pregnancy during this meeting) they would at least be more understanding because they know I'm there because I lost my baby too. This meeting was about grief vs. depression and some of the fallacies and stigmas associated with these labels. My counselor was the speaker so it was nice to see her in another context. It was helpful and there were several new people. While I wish no one new ever had to come, I'm glad this group is there for all of us. I've gotten so much out of it and I hope others are able to as well.
The next morning I had the Pregnancy and Parenting After Loss support group. I'm so thankful that this group was started as well because it gives me another place (besides friends and family) to talk about this pregnancy and my anxiety and concerns. Since we're all in the same boat none of us feel crazy when we bring things up. The topic this month was about parenting styles and how after a loss your thoughts and actions might change. Sometimes this is good, sometimes this can be a bit much and it's about finding a balance. It was nice to talk about because I have concerns about feeling guilty when I'm overwhelmed. It's not always going to be a cake walk and there will be times I'm at the end of my rope and that's totally normal. I just hope I'm able to realize that and not feel too guilty for feeling that way because I know how lucky we'll be to have her.
Today before my high risk appointment I got a call from my regular OBGYN. I hadn't heard anything so I assumed my blood work came back in the normal range. They said it was a little higher than the threshold (but not overly so) so I need to come back and do the 3 hour test. She said they're not too concerned and to watch my carbs and sugar and most likely the next one will be fine. If not I'll need to be extra careful about my diet (although I've been trying thus far to be, but I'll be even more diligent if need be). She said I could come back any time between now and my next appointment to do it. I'm probably going to go next week just to get it out of the way. So we'll see what happens then. They're not overly concerned so I'm not going to be either.
Our high risk appointment went really well. Adam and I both left feeling so much better about everything. My cervix still looks great. No shortening or trying to open. The baby is measuring almost to the day where she should be and is in the normal range for weight as well. She hiccuped a bit during the ultrasound so we know her lungs are doing well too. They looked at her heart again and the doctor who was with us with Madeline came in and explained everything they were seeing and what it meant. It was so helpful. We were able to see the VSD (ventricle septal defect . . . the hole) which we hadn't really been able to before. He also showed us the aorta (still overlapping, but not severely) and the pulmonary valve. He said the pulmonary valve should be a bit bigger than the aorta and explained how they should be oriented. He said aside from the slight overlap in the aorta everything else looks right as it should. While the cardiologist will have the final diagnosis in June, he seemed to feel pretty confident that it will not develop into Tetralogy since the pulmonary valve still looks normal. He also explained to us the difference between "blue tet" and "pink tet." If the defects are severe enough that the baby is not getting enough oxygenated blood throughout her body, she'll be born blue or will turn blue shortly after birth. That is "blue tet" and the baby would need to be delivered elsewhere where a pediatric cardiac surgeon is. If the defects are there, but the baby is still able to get decent circulation of oxygenated blood then it's considered "pink tet." In this case the baby could still be delivered here and surgery wouldn't be needed for a while. He said based on what her heart looks like today if for some reason it does develop into Tetralogy, it would be "pink tet" and we wouldn't have to go anywhere. That was nice to hear and to get even more information. So hopefully no matter what I'll still be able to deliver here which is a relief. We also talked about when the stitch would come out. Based on how things are going it will come out at 36 weeks. However, if she stays breech (they'll check again right before the surgery is scheduled) then I wouldn't have it taken out. At that point I'd be having a C-section because she's breech so they would take it out afterwards while I'm in the OR anyway. So we'll see once July gets here.
Next month I'll be seeing all 3 doctors (regular, high risk and cardiologist) all on the same day. So I'll just be hanging out at the hospital from 10am to about 3pm. Early June will have a nice long medical update too!
I feel good after our appointment today. Everything is going well and there's no indication that will change. Plus they got a good profile of her face which was nice. Thus far we really haven't gotten a great one (you'd think with all the ultrasounds we've had that wouldn't be the case but it was not). It's been a good and informative week.
At my regular appointment the main task was the glucose tolerance test. I came in about 15 minutes before my appointment, went down to the lab and got to drink the lovely drink that tasted like flat orange crush. They told me I had 10 minutes to drink it and I thought, "That's loads of time!" It took me about all of it. They told me what time I had to be back to get my blood drawn (an hour) and I went back upstairs to go to my appointment. I saw a new doctor because my doctor left the practice last month. I wasn't overly concerned because there's no guarantee who would deliver the baby anyway, it was just surprising. Luckily everyone I've seen in the practice I've liked so it was fine. My appointment went well. Her heartbeat was normal and my weight was fine. I filled the new doctor in on what's been going on and she said thus far everything looks good and we'll just keep doing what we're doing. She said she hoped to get my results by the end of the day and no news was good news. When I left they scheduled my next 3 appointments. One in May and then in June I switch to 2 a month. Afterwards I went back down to the lab and they drew my blood at the one hour mark.
That evening I had regular support group. I have a couple shirts that I can wear and still hide my pregnancy a bit. I was a bit nervous because I didn't want to upset someone by being obviously pregnant, but at the same time as we get closer to the year mark I need the meeting too. I hoped that if someone did notice (I never talk about my current pregnancy during this meeting) they would at least be more understanding because they know I'm there because I lost my baby too. This meeting was about grief vs. depression and some of the fallacies and stigmas associated with these labels. My counselor was the speaker so it was nice to see her in another context. It was helpful and there were several new people. While I wish no one new ever had to come, I'm glad this group is there for all of us. I've gotten so much out of it and I hope others are able to as well.
The next morning I had the Pregnancy and Parenting After Loss support group. I'm so thankful that this group was started as well because it gives me another place (besides friends and family) to talk about this pregnancy and my anxiety and concerns. Since we're all in the same boat none of us feel crazy when we bring things up. The topic this month was about parenting styles and how after a loss your thoughts and actions might change. Sometimes this is good, sometimes this can be a bit much and it's about finding a balance. It was nice to talk about because I have concerns about feeling guilty when I'm overwhelmed. It's not always going to be a cake walk and there will be times I'm at the end of my rope and that's totally normal. I just hope I'm able to realize that and not feel too guilty for feeling that way because I know how lucky we'll be to have her.
Today before my high risk appointment I got a call from my regular OBGYN. I hadn't heard anything so I assumed my blood work came back in the normal range. They said it was a little higher than the threshold (but not overly so) so I need to come back and do the 3 hour test. She said they're not too concerned and to watch my carbs and sugar and most likely the next one will be fine. If not I'll need to be extra careful about my diet (although I've been trying thus far to be, but I'll be even more diligent if need be). She said I could come back any time between now and my next appointment to do it. I'm probably going to go next week just to get it out of the way. So we'll see what happens then. They're not overly concerned so I'm not going to be either.
Our high risk appointment went really well. Adam and I both left feeling so much better about everything. My cervix still looks great. No shortening or trying to open. The baby is measuring almost to the day where she should be and is in the normal range for weight as well. She hiccuped a bit during the ultrasound so we know her lungs are doing well too. They looked at her heart again and the doctor who was with us with Madeline came in and explained everything they were seeing and what it meant. It was so helpful. We were able to see the VSD (ventricle septal defect . . . the hole) which we hadn't really been able to before. He also showed us the aorta (still overlapping, but not severely) and the pulmonary valve. He said the pulmonary valve should be a bit bigger than the aorta and explained how they should be oriented. He said aside from the slight overlap in the aorta everything else looks right as it should. While the cardiologist will have the final diagnosis in June, he seemed to feel pretty confident that it will not develop into Tetralogy since the pulmonary valve still looks normal. He also explained to us the difference between "blue tet" and "pink tet." If the defects are severe enough that the baby is not getting enough oxygenated blood throughout her body, she'll be born blue or will turn blue shortly after birth. That is "blue tet" and the baby would need to be delivered elsewhere where a pediatric cardiac surgeon is. If the defects are there, but the baby is still able to get decent circulation of oxygenated blood then it's considered "pink tet." In this case the baby could still be delivered here and surgery wouldn't be needed for a while. He said based on what her heart looks like today if for some reason it does develop into Tetralogy, it would be "pink tet" and we wouldn't have to go anywhere. That was nice to hear and to get even more information. So hopefully no matter what I'll still be able to deliver here which is a relief. We also talked about when the stitch would come out. Based on how things are going it will come out at 36 weeks. However, if she stays breech (they'll check again right before the surgery is scheduled) then I wouldn't have it taken out. At that point I'd be having a C-section because she's breech so they would take it out afterwards while I'm in the OR anyway. So we'll see once July gets here.
Next month I'll be seeing all 3 doctors (regular, high risk and cardiologist) all on the same day. So I'll just be hanging out at the hospital from 10am to about 3pm. Early June will have a nice long medical update too!
I feel good after our appointment today. Everything is going well and there's no indication that will change. Plus they got a good profile of her face which was nice. Thus far we really haven't gotten a great one (you'd think with all the ultrasounds we've had that wouldn't be the case but it was not). It's been a good and informative week.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Second Trimester Thoughts
Same as the first trimester. A place for me to put thoughts that don't need an entire post to themselves.
Making the announcement on the blog went a lot better than I thought for me emotionally. It wasn't as hard to put it out there as I was expecting and the support and love we got in return was overwhelming. Thank you.
I'm starting to feel better. It's more real and I'm OK with it. I was able to bring myself to get my maternity clothes out again. I kept putting it off. Again, it's not going to have an effect on the outcome but it was another hurdle to get my mind over. I'm still no where near ready to think about shopping for baby things or going through the clothes we had for Madeline, but it's a step in the right direction.
I've had a few twinges with the cerclage (like I had right after surgery). I haven't felt anything like that the past couple weeks and now all of a sudden I have. I'm sure it's normal. I'm trying not to worry. If I feel anymore I'll go in to see my doctor. Peace of mind is worth the money.
I had another down week. I'm getting better in general, but as we get closer to 20-22 weeks (I'm 16 now) I can feel my anxiety building again. I know I shouldn't compare everything with this pregnancy to my pregnancy with Madeline but it's hard not to. Nothing thus far indicates we should be worried, but it's hard to get myself to accept that.
I think I felt the baby move (I'm a little over 16 weeks). I know it's still early but they say on a second pregnancy you usually feel movement sooner because you know what it is now. We'll see as the week continues. Maybe I'm just hopeful and it's nothing. But I know it wasn't digestion or gas.
After my March appointment with my OBGYN I really felt the baby kick and move. I've been feeling little flutters for a while, but this time it was much longer and stronger. Since then I've felt more consistent movement. It's not strong enough to feel from the outside yet, but it's comforting. Each time I feel it I feel better.
Being 19 weeks pregnant and getting the flu/stomach virus (not sure which) is no fun. Just throwing that out there. So thankful for my husband who took care of me. I had a scare a couple days after. I'd felt movement consistently from the baby before I got sick, but afterwards I really wasn't feeling anything and then nothing. I tried to tell myself it was OK and I had my 20 week ultrasound in 2 days, but by the early evening I couldn't handle it. If my history was different maybe I wouldn't have been so freaked out, but I was. I called my doctor and asked if they could fit me in so I could just hear the heartbeat. They said of course and worked me in. When I was called back and they looked for the heartbeat the nurse found it immediately, 150, totally healthy and normal. It was such a relief and weight off my chest. So thankful for my doctor who didn't think I was overreacting and was supportive and understanding. By the later evening I felt movement again, another relief.
Making the announcement on the blog went a lot better than I thought for me emotionally. It wasn't as hard to put it out there as I was expecting and the support and love we got in return was overwhelming. Thank you.
I'm starting to feel better. It's more real and I'm OK with it. I was able to bring myself to get my maternity clothes out again. I kept putting it off. Again, it's not going to have an effect on the outcome but it was another hurdle to get my mind over. I'm still no where near ready to think about shopping for baby things or going through the clothes we had for Madeline, but it's a step in the right direction.
I've had a few twinges with the cerclage (like I had right after surgery). I haven't felt anything like that the past couple weeks and now all of a sudden I have. I'm sure it's normal. I'm trying not to worry. If I feel anymore I'll go in to see my doctor. Peace of mind is worth the money.
I had another down week. I'm getting better in general, but as we get closer to 20-22 weeks (I'm 16 now) I can feel my anxiety building again. I know I shouldn't compare everything with this pregnancy to my pregnancy with Madeline but it's hard not to. Nothing thus far indicates we should be worried, but it's hard to get myself to accept that.
I think I felt the baby move (I'm a little over 16 weeks). I know it's still early but they say on a second pregnancy you usually feel movement sooner because you know what it is now. We'll see as the week continues. Maybe I'm just hopeful and it's nothing. But I know it wasn't digestion or gas.
After my March appointment with my OBGYN I really felt the baby kick and move. I've been feeling little flutters for a while, but this time it was much longer and stronger. Since then I've felt more consistent movement. It's not strong enough to feel from the outside yet, but it's comforting. Each time I feel it I feel better.
Being 19 weeks pregnant and getting the flu/stomach virus (not sure which) is no fun. Just throwing that out there. So thankful for my husband who took care of me. I had a scare a couple days after. I'd felt movement consistently from the baby before I got sick, but afterwards I really wasn't feeling anything and then nothing. I tried to tell myself it was OK and I had my 20 week ultrasound in 2 days, but by the early evening I couldn't handle it. If my history was different maybe I wouldn't have been so freaked out, but I was. I called my doctor and asked if they could fit me in so I could just hear the heartbeat. They said of course and worked me in. When I was called back and they looked for the heartbeat the nurse found it immediately, 150, totally healthy and normal. It was such a relief and weight off my chest. So thankful for my doctor who didn't think I was overreacting and was supportive and understanding. By the later evening I felt movement again, another relief.
Now that I'm halfway through I'm starting to feel a bit more like I look pregnant. I never really did with Madeline. My uterus tilts backwards and there's quite a layer of fat to push around so I have that going against me. I still think the average person wouldn't be able to look at me and tell I'm pregnant, but I'm finally able to look at myself and really tell. My fat rolls are starting to become one. ;)
Adam has started talking to the baby every day now. It warms my heart to see him bond with our daughter. He didn't get to do this very long with Madeline but I'm so happy he's started with this baby despite what happened. Hopefully he'll be able to feel her soon too.
22 weeks: Adam felt the baby move for the first time tonight! We've tried several times before but it never worked. I'd felt it from the outside but never while he was with me. But tonight she was really active and I just laid my head in his lap, put his had on my stomach near my belly button (where she kicks/punches the most) and said we were going to wait until he felt something. Not long after I heard him gasp. He looked at me with wide eyes and said, "Is that her?" I smiled and nodded. The look of joy on his face is one of my favorite memories. He felt her many more times while we laid there. It was a good day.
23 weeks: After being dehydrated so badly when I was sick I have been being extra diligent about drinking enough water. This is a good thing. The draw back is that now I truly understand what everyone's been telling me about the constant need for the bathroom. Who knew? (To add to this train of thought at now 26 weeks: now that the baby is bigger she's putting more pressure on my bladder. I now understand the urgency and then disappointment because you know you'll just be back sooner rather than later. Worth the annoyances.)
Around 24 weeks: I started sleeping with my pregnancy pillow. It's like a giant curvy noodle that wraps around your head and goes between your legs and around your back. Adam calls it my "pillow worm." It's not that I need support for my belly at this point (still not really much there) but it keeps me from rolling too far onto my stomach. Baby girl does not appreciate when I do that and lets me know . . . adamantly. It's makes getting out of bed for the inevitable trip to the bathroom a little difficult, but it's worth it to get more sleep in general. Luckily Adam says I haven't taken over the entire bed yet. ;)
Almost 25 weeks: I still don't think it's obvious I'm pregnant, but I'm certainly feeling it. I didn't have very many maternity shirts (for spring/summer) from my pregnancy with Madeline and I'm to the point now that most of my regular shirts are too tight/too short. Since the pediatric cardiologist appointment got postponed Mom and I did some shopping. We got a few more shirts (some are nursing too so they'll be good after the baby is born as well) and a couple dresses. The best part was laughing our heads off when I tried to put the fake belly on. It was ridiculous and brought some levity to the day. So thankful for my Mom, especially the times we have "too much fun."
A little over 25 weeks: We registered this weekend. A shower a family friend is throwing in my hometown is less than 3 weeks away now so we figured it was time. I had been putting it off until we made it past 23 weeks to make it past where we were with Madeline. Again, logically I know it has no effect on this pregnancy, but emotionally it was hard to separate the fact that we were going to register the weekend I went into the hospital with Madeline. I had some anxiety and bad feelings associated with it. But after talking to my counselor and Adam about it I felt better and decided we should just go for it. It was actually better than I thought it was going to be although at times was a bit overwhelming. How are there so many different kinds of bottles? (still haven't registered for any yet) Should you put the high chair you want on there even though you won't be needing it for a while? Do you put something on there that you think is cute/might be useful but if you don't get it you won't mind? (I actually did this a lot) Plus different stores have different perks with their registries (and goodie bags). We ended up registering at Buy Buy Baby and Babies R Us. I was surprised how quickly the list grew.
26 weeks: We went to visit Adam's family over the weekend and his grandmother told me I looked good. She said she wished she had looked as good when she was pregnant. It was so nice because at this point I'm still pretty much feeling like I look fat (still delineation between the rolls . . . no smooth bump yet).
Almost 27 weeks: My comfy pants (yoga pants I guess) officially no longer fit. I can still wear them below the bulge, but it's not very comfortable (they're the kind you roll over . . . that's a lot of material in a small area). What kind of day is it when stretchy comfy pants are no longer comfortable? I was surprised, but at the same time it's good. It means she's growing like she should.
As I reread this getting ready to post it, I'm pleasantly surprised how obvious it is that I'm feeling better about this pregnancy. The first several posts have a lot of anxiety and worry and as time goes on it gets better and happier. I know part of that is getting past where I was with Madeline, but a lot of it is seeing my counselor. It took me far too long to admit I was struggling and not getting better and needed to talk to someone. I can't advocate it enough. It's not a quick fix and it's not all totally better, but overall I'm in a much better place and am better able to recognize when I might be spiraling down again and then do something about it. The tools she's given me are great but also being able to talk to a 3rd party and just vent is amazing (not to mention the insights she's given me about myself).
Adam has started talking to the baby every day now. It warms my heart to see him bond with our daughter. He didn't get to do this very long with Madeline but I'm so happy he's started with this baby despite what happened. Hopefully he'll be able to feel her soon too.
22 weeks: Adam felt the baby move for the first time tonight! We've tried several times before but it never worked. I'd felt it from the outside but never while he was with me. But tonight she was really active and I just laid my head in his lap, put his had on my stomach near my belly button (where she kicks/punches the most) and said we were going to wait until he felt something. Not long after I heard him gasp. He looked at me with wide eyes and said, "Is that her?" I smiled and nodded. The look of joy on his face is one of my favorite memories. He felt her many more times while we laid there. It was a good day.
23 weeks: After being dehydrated so badly when I was sick I have been being extra diligent about drinking enough water. This is a good thing. The draw back is that now I truly understand what everyone's been telling me about the constant need for the bathroom. Who knew? (To add to this train of thought at now 26 weeks: now that the baby is bigger she's putting more pressure on my bladder. I now understand the urgency and then disappointment because you know you'll just be back sooner rather than later. Worth the annoyances.)
Around 24 weeks: I started sleeping with my pregnancy pillow. It's like a giant curvy noodle that wraps around your head and goes between your legs and around your back. Adam calls it my "pillow worm." It's not that I need support for my belly at this point (still not really much there) but it keeps me from rolling too far onto my stomach. Baby girl does not appreciate when I do that and lets me know . . . adamantly. It's makes getting out of bed for the inevitable trip to the bathroom a little difficult, but it's worth it to get more sleep in general. Luckily Adam says I haven't taken over the entire bed yet. ;)
Almost 25 weeks: I still don't think it's obvious I'm pregnant, but I'm certainly feeling it. I didn't have very many maternity shirts (for spring/summer) from my pregnancy with Madeline and I'm to the point now that most of my regular shirts are too tight/too short. Since the pediatric cardiologist appointment got postponed Mom and I did some shopping. We got a few more shirts (some are nursing too so they'll be good after the baby is born as well) and a couple dresses. The best part was laughing our heads off when I tried to put the fake belly on. It was ridiculous and brought some levity to the day. So thankful for my Mom, especially the times we have "too much fun."
A little over 25 weeks: We registered this weekend. A shower a family friend is throwing in my hometown is less than 3 weeks away now so we figured it was time. I had been putting it off until we made it past 23 weeks to make it past where we were with Madeline. Again, logically I know it has no effect on this pregnancy, but emotionally it was hard to separate the fact that we were going to register the weekend I went into the hospital with Madeline. I had some anxiety and bad feelings associated with it. But after talking to my counselor and Adam about it I felt better and decided we should just go for it. It was actually better than I thought it was going to be although at times was a bit overwhelming. How are there so many different kinds of bottles? (still haven't registered for any yet) Should you put the high chair you want on there even though you won't be needing it for a while? Do you put something on there that you think is cute/might be useful but if you don't get it you won't mind? (I actually did this a lot) Plus different stores have different perks with their registries (and goodie bags). We ended up registering at Buy Buy Baby and Babies R Us. I was surprised how quickly the list grew.
26 weeks: We went to visit Adam's family over the weekend and his grandmother told me I looked good. She said she wished she had looked as good when she was pregnant. It was so nice because at this point I'm still pretty much feeling like I look fat (still delineation between the rolls . . . no smooth bump yet).
Almost 27 weeks: My comfy pants (yoga pants I guess) officially no longer fit. I can still wear them below the bulge, but it's not very comfortable (they're the kind you roll over . . . that's a lot of material in a small area). What kind of day is it when stretchy comfy pants are no longer comfortable? I was surprised, but at the same time it's good. It means she's growing like she should.
As I reread this getting ready to post it, I'm pleasantly surprised how obvious it is that I'm feeling better about this pregnancy. The first several posts have a lot of anxiety and worry and as time goes on it gets better and happier. I know part of that is getting past where I was with Madeline, but a lot of it is seeing my counselor. It took me far too long to admit I was struggling and not getting better and needed to talk to someone. I can't advocate it enough. It's not a quick fix and it's not all totally better, but overall I'm in a much better place and am better able to recognize when I might be spiraling down again and then do something about it. The tools she's given me are great but also being able to talk to a 3rd party and just vent is amazing (not to mention the insights she's given me about myself).
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