This month has been a mixture of emotions for me. I've been thinking about Madeline (I always do) but I've felt guilty because I feel like I haven't been thinking about her as much as I should. I know I shouldn't. Alice needs me more right now. But sometimes that is easier said than done.
We went to the walk on Sunday and going into it I thought it would be easier this year. We have Alice now, surely that means it will be easier? I'm in a better place this year than I was last year, that will make a difference right? And when we first got there it was better. I knew what to expect so there wasn't that newness trepidation I felt last year. I knew people besides my family this year and that helped too. We had family with us again, another helpful thing. When I wrote on Madeline's bird house I wasn't shaking uncontrollably like I was making her wind chime last year. But when the ceremony to start everything began I was right back to where I had been last year.
The leader of our support group talked about why we were there and who we were remembering. She began by talking about those of us who had experienced miscarriages and I was done. It had been 2 years (almost to the day) since I had found out I was pregnant the first time. We were not only remembering Madeline but our first baby. He or she may have only been around 9 weeks when we lost them but we still miss them. We had been trying and waiting and had so many hopes and dreams for that baby. Loosing Madeline was harder, but that loss was still genuine.
Then she talked about babies who were born too soon or still born. The words were lovely but as I looked at Alice asleep in her stroller I kept thinking about how Madeline would have been almost a year old if she'd been born when she was supposed to be. I was such a mix of sadness, happiness, thankfulness and guilt. Sad because I miss Madeline and wonder what she would have been like. Happiness that we got to hold her and be with her. Happiness that we have Alice. Thankfulness that Alice is healthy and happy. Guilt that I was so happy about Alice and hadn't been thinking of Madeline as much. Guilt that we wouldn't have Alice without loosing Madeline. Guilt that I should be so happy to have Alice (and I am) but there's still that sadness that will creep in.
I was surprised how emotional I was. Last year I cried a bit, but this year was worse. I think it's because I'm also so thankful to have Alice. I cried out of sadness and happiness. Adam and I stood next to Alice in the stroller and hugged each other when we needed it and looked in awe at the beautiful baby we are so lucky to get to call our own. Alice wore her "I'm the Little Sister" bib in honor of her big sister Madeline.
The walk itself from the Henry Clay memorial to Baby Land was seemed faster this year. Maybe because I talked to other people and wasn't so much in my own head. It was also a lovely day which also helped.
The ceremony at Baby Land was nice, as it was last year. When they called Madeline's name, Adam and I went up to get her bird house and water the tree together. We didn't take Alice up with us because she was asleep and it would have been too hard to push the stroller up there through the grass. Next year she'll go with us. The ceremony ends with a poem that the audience speaks during. I could do the first couple and after that I just said it in my head.
Afterwards we went to visit Madeline and Alice woke up. We put down some pretty fall Mums and took a picture with all of us. In the end it was peaceful and that was such a good note to leave on.
Afterwards we had several of my friends from support group and their families over to our house to visit and eat. It was so nice to have them all here and to be together. having these women in my life has been such a comfort and blessing.
At the end of the day I looked at Madeline's pictures on my own and told her how much we love her and miss her. Overall it was a good day, but a lot harder than i was expecting.
Tonight I lit Madeline's candle from the candlelight service last December in remembrance of her and all the children I know that have been lost. My heart goes out to all of you who are with me today (and every day). Remember you are not alone and there are so many avenues of support. Don't be afraid to use them. If you need information about support group or other communities of support please contact me and I will get you in touch with people (myself included).
Thank you to all of you who have been and continue to love and support us. We're still on this journey and we couldn't make it through alone.
We love and miss you Madeline Claire Browne.
Love to you guys. Beautiful post. You're a great mama!
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