12 Months

Happy Birthday Madeline!

I can't believe it's been a year.  How did that happen?  There were times I thought this day would never come it seemed so far away and times I felt like it should have already happened.  But I suppose that's normal.  A year ago our daughter was born and a year ago she died.  Even though it's a part of my reality now there are still times I still can't quite believe it.

Overall today hasn't been as bad as I'd been expecting.  The build up leading to today was so much worse.  Again, that's pretty normal and what other milestones have been like throughout this first year.  Today wasn't different.  The early morning hours of today were the hardest.  I reread my entry about June 26th of last year around 11pm.  I wanted to remember what happened and all the emotions I felt.  It was my way to start remembering and honoring our daughter.  Here's the link to my June 26, 3013 post if you're interested.  At midnight I was thinking about realizing a year ago at that time that Madeline was going to be born and that there was nothing we could do to stop it.  Until 3am I was thinking about being in labor (and also wondering how I will be able to compare this little girl's arrival to her sister's).  A little after 3am I said Happy Birthday to my daughter.  It was officially a year.

Adam and I pulled down her box and looked through her pictures and keepsakes again.  We have a picture of her feet displayed all the time, but I hadn't looked at the others in a while.  That was hard.  I remembered how beautiful she was even though she was so small.  And how she had so many of Adam and my features.  They also reminded me just how tiny she really was.  Looking at her stats is one thing, but seeing the picture of her next to her bear (which lives on my bedside stand and I slept with last night) really brings it home.  I remembered how light she was.  It felt like holding nothing.  But she was perfect even though she was tiny.

I'd had a long day yesterday so I went to bed not long after looking through her box again.  I couldn't fall asleep before we hit 3am, but afterwards my exhaustion really came to the forefront.  I brought her bear to bed with me and didn't take too long to fall asleep (thank goodness for exhaustion other wise I think I would have had trouble).  I slept through her time of death and I think that was a good thing.

This morning my parents, Adam's parents and his sister came in to town to remember our daughter on her birthday.  Once we'd all said hello we went to the cemetery.  It was such a beautiful day and I was thankful for that.  It made it easier to think about the joys Madeline brought to us instead of only focusing on her loss.  We brought flowers and some butterfly stakes to decorate.  We stayed for a while mostly just thinking to ourselves.  Any time I tried to talk to her out loud I cried, so I just told her what I needed to inside.  I know she still heard me.  At one point everyone kind of backed off and gave Adam and I a few minutes to ourselves which was nice too.  We had a family moment and then I was ready to go.

Afterwards everyone came back to our house and we had lunch.  It was nice to have some family time and enjoy each other's company.  We talked about Madeline but we also talked about other things.  I had worried about thinking or talking about this little girl too much during the day (guilt yet again), but it wasn't as bad as I'd predicted.  I felt a little guilty, but then I reminded myself that this will always be Madeline's special day but that it's OK to think about other things too.  I love them both and it's fine to give them both attention on this day (goodness knows I'm sure I'll think about Madeline at some point on this little girl's birthdays too).

Before Adam had to go to work we took some pictures in front of Madeline's tree.  It's been doing so well and I'm so glad.  Every time I look at it I think of her.  I think this will make a nice family tradition every year.  We'll have at least one family photo that she is represented in every year.  We can see her tree grow as our family does.  

On either side so you can actually see her tree

In front trying to make it more obvious her sister is in the picture too

It's not a family picture without the dogs (I didn't trust bringing Martin the cat outside)

Adam had to go to work but his family stayed for a little while after to keep visiting and work on some stuff to get ready for Madeline's little sister.  My father-in-law helped (and by that I mean he figured it out and did it. . . engineer) install the car seat base in my car (we're down to a little over 5 weeks until she's due).  It was nice to be able to think about both of our daughters today and not feel the overwhelming guilt I have been.

I would be lying if I said I hadn't had some thoughts about what should have been.  It would be odd not to.  A first birthday is not supposed to include a visit to your child's grave.  But I think because I'd built up how bad this day was going to be I got a lot of those thoughts out of the way before today (like a birthday cake, what would she be like at a year? would she be walking? how much talking? what characters and toys would she like? who would she look more like?).  So when I thought of them today it wasn't as painful.

The day's not over but we're in the home stretch.  It's been better than I expected.  I've gotten teary a few times and the early morning hours were really hard, but I haven't spent the day curled up in a ball of grief and I'm so thankful for that.  It's mostly due to the amazing support and love I have around me.  Thank you to all of you.  I'm humbled and so lucky to have the support system I do.  

I still miss her.  I still wish she was here.  I still think that it wasn't fair that we lost her.  But I can't not be grateful for the happiness she did bring to our lives.  I would never wish that we'd never had her despite the pain and grief.  She will always be a part of us and while I know it won't always be easy (goodness knows getting through this first year has been a huge struggle) I hope that as time goes on I'll be able to focus on the happiness a lot more.  I think I'm on my way towards that.  

Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you Madeline.  I can't believe it's been a year since I held you.  Thank you for the joy you brought to us in your short life.  You will always be our baby girl.  I hope you felt the love we sent to you today.  Happy Birthday my sweet girl.

Sampler our good family friend (I call her Mom II) made for Madeline.  It will hang in the nursery with the one she's making for this little girl.

Gestational Diabetes

I was officially diagnosed with gestational diabetes around the end of May.  I wasn't really surprised.  My family has a history of diabetes, I have PCOS and I'm overweight.  It still wasn't much fun to get the news.  Another thing.  Can we be done with things?  Now I have another doctor to add to the list (that's 4 if you're counting).  Oh well.  It's honestly not too bad, just adding a few more things to my day.  The main concerns with gestational diabetes are that the baby will get too big and/or have too low blood sugar not long after birth.  Insulin doesn't pass through the placenta but sugar does.  So if my blood sugar is high hers is high but she has to make her own insulin.  Insulin is also a growth hormone in-utero so that leads to bigger babies (which may make delivery difficult or lead to a C-Section).  It also means that after she's born if her body is used to making a lot of insulin it still will even if it doesn't need to anymore which can lead to a large drop in her blood sugar.  It will even out, but can make things in the beginning a little more difficult.  So avoiding these things is the goal.

My regular OBGYN doesn't monitor gestational diabetes so I went to see an endocrinologist at the beginning of the month.  They went over the plan for the rest of pregnancy.  I have to watch my carbs and sugar, test my blood sugar 4 times a day and test for ketones every morning.  I have a sheet that I fill out every week with my numbers and what my goals are.  First I test my blood sugar when I wake up (after fasting) and it should be 100 or under.  I also test for the level of ketones when I wake up.  I thanked cellular metabolism in college that I actually knew what these were and why I would test for them (thanks Dr. Dew!).  When you break down fat you release ketones.  They have no use in your body so you excrete them.  I have to test for them to ensure that I'm getting enough carbs and not relying on burning fat for energy. Then I test my blood sugar 2 hours after every meal and it should be 120 or under.  At the end of every week I take a picture of my sheet and email it to my doctor so she can look it over to ensure that diet will control it enough and I don't need medication.

They showed me how to use my meter and prick my fingers (on the side, not as painful).  The doctor explained that she understands that sometimes it might be higher (some cake at a baby shower, getting used to counting carbs, my birthday coming up) and as long as there were only a couple a week it should be fine and I wouldn't need medication.  It was nice to hear that having a few out of whack wouldn't cause too much concern.  I also got a lot of information about carbs (for example, 1 1/4 cups of whole strawberries is 15g carbs) to help plan meals.  I also need to have some protein with each meal. For breakfast I can have 30g carbs and for my lunch and dinner I can have 60-70g.  I can have up to 3 snacks as well (15g carbs each).

It's been kind of eye opening for me.  I've tried to be pretty healthy before this diagnosis, but now I'm really paying attention.  Carbs hide everywhere!  It's also been interesting to see how different carbs affect my blood sugar (and what I've had to cut out).  It's a bit of a hassle, but it's really not too hard and if it keeps me and our little girl healthy (and keeps her from getting too big) it's worth it.

Thus far it's been going pretty well.  My doctor isn't concerned about adding medication at this point so that's a good thing.  I'm learning and am usually able to identify why a sugar might be higher than the goal.  There have been a few I can't explain, but overall it's going well.  Although I do miss ice cream (I had some for my birthday though . . . I figured I'm allowed a couple higher sugars a week and my birthday is a good day to use one).  Hopefully it will continue to!

This Time a Year Ago . . .

As of June 15th we're now officially in the stage of remembering what was happening with Madeline a year ago.  I've been waiting for these days to start with trepidation.  I'm truly a jumble of emotions (which I'm assured is totally normal . . . so there's that).  I'm sad remembering Madeline while happy about this baby while sad I feel like I'm neglecting Madeline because of this baby and vice versa and trying not to let myself get pulled down as far as I was.  It's a roller coaster and it's exhausting.  I'm reminded of the scene in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix where Hermione describes all of the emotions Cho Chang must have been feeling and Ron saying someone couldn't feel all of that at the same time because they'd explode.  Truth Ron . . . truth.  While I know my emotional range is larger than a teaspoon I still feel like I might explode some days.

I'd been told that as the year anniversary approaches to not be surprised if my grief felt fresh again.  Like it had just happened.  They weren't lying.  I haven't broken down as much as I did then but everything has been raw and I've pulled into myself more than I would like.  I've tried to not let it get as bad as I was before I started seeing my counselor, but it hasn't been as successful as I'd like.  There have been several days that I don't want to deal with anyone or anything.  However I've also had a packed schedule with various appointments (baby related and otherwise) and visits from family.  So finding that balance of doing what I need to do while still having my time to cocoon has made it taxing as well.  Also, these pregnancy hormones are really getting me.  I cry at the drop of the hat these days.  Pregnancy hormones plus grief is a crazy combination.  The guilt also comes into play too.

Needless to say this month has been a roller coaster and will continue to be.  My counselor told me that once we get past the 26th I should feel more equalized.  Here's hoping.  She reminded me again that as a mother I can split my love and it's OK to focus on one child more for a while . . . especially now.  I keep telling myself that but it's still sometimes hard to believe it and not feel guilty.

I also can't quite believe it's been a year since everything started.  When did that happen?  A year.  A whole entire year has passed.  There were days I never thought this time would come and others where I felt like surely it had already happened.  I've been thinking about this for so long and now it's here.  In a way it's almost a relief.  They say the first year is the hardest because of all the milestones happening for the first time.  The next time it's a little easier because you know more what to expect.  Time will tell.  We're not through it yet but it's all I can think about these days.  Her birthday will be here before we know it . . . less than a week.  Wow.