Alice's Birth Day

It has taken me a while to finally be able to sit down and write this but that day is still vivid in my mind.  A few details here and there may be fuzzy, but it was the happiest day of my life so it's pretty well seared into my memory.

Final bump picture

Getting ready to head to the hospital.

We had to be at the hospital at 7:30am on Friday August 1st.  Since I still needed to check in we got there a bit early to ensure we'd be in labor and delivery by 7:30.  Adam and I went up and Mom parked the car.  We got checked in and then headed back to L&D.  About a month before I had toured L&D as well as the mother-baby unit and NICU with the nurse who leads our support group.  I figured out which room we were in when Madeline was born and she made a note in my file to keep me out of that room and the other room if at all possible.  I understood that may not be an option, but it was nice to know it was noted.  As we were lead to our room I took a deep breath because we were heading to the same hallway.  Thankfully we went into a different room (next door, but different).  My nurse came in and we got started.

Since I was positive for Group B Strep I had to be on IV antibiotics from the start to delivery.  They are administered in 4 hour cycles.  In order for the baby to be covered that first cycle must get through totally.  Because of this my nurse started me on those right away and waited to start the pitocin until about an hour later.  Since I was already 4cm dilated and pretty well effaced we didn't know how long things were going to take and we wanted to make sure that first round got in.

While she was hooking me up to all the monitors and the IV we talked about my hopes for delivery as well as comparing this time to Madeline's delivery.  I told her I wanted to try and deliver without any pain meds, but that I wanted to know when the cutoff was.  She told me that most likely the level of pitocin wouldn't be as high this time as it was with Madeline.  Then the goal was to get the process over with quickly and that wasn't the goal this time (unless something changed during the process and she was in distress).  She told me that because of this even though I would be on pitocin it was more to jump start the process and hopefully wouldn't get too high and I should be able to be drug free if I wanted to be.

While we waited for the pitocin to start Adam set up the computer and started the first Harry Potter movie.  That was my comfort and relaxation for labor.  We're all shocked I know.  I also asked for a labor ball which she brought into the room.  We spent that first hour or so just waiting and getting settled.  Around 9am my nurse came in to start the pitocin.

At first it didn't really feel like anything was happening.  I felt a bit crampy, but nothing like I had felt with Madeline.  They got a bit stronger and my nurse bumped up the pitocin a notch about every hour.  I started at a 6 and ended at an 8.  Even though I had to be hooked up to the monitors at all times because of the pitocin, I was still able to move (thank goodness!).  I walked where I could and used the ball in the beginning.  Adam was right there helping however I asked him to.  The class we took really came in handy and we used almost every technique at some point during the day.  One thing that really sticks out in my mind from that first part of labor is looking at the contraction monitor and thinking it was a liar.  I could feel contractions that either would be a small blip or not register at all.  Later I would realize it was because they really weren't much compared to what was coming, but at the time I couldn't believe they weren't showing up.

Around 11:30am my doctor came in to check me and break my water.  I could have waited for it to happen naturally, but it would help things progress and hopefully mean my pitocin wouldn't have to go too high.  The feeling of your water breaking is something I don't think you can get used to or find pleasant.  Not to mention the fact that you keep leaking as labor progresses and the baby moves.  The area around my bed was covered in chucks (as was the birthing ball).  But who said it was a clean process?  Worth it in the end.

After my water broke things really started moving and my contractions got more intense.  Adam and my Mom were great.  They were there when I wanted them and stayed out of my way when I wanted that.  I didn't get mean, but I made it known when I didn't want to be touched.  Apparently I would grunt and shove them off by moving whatever body part they happened to be touching.  Adam was a wonderful support and partner through the whole process.  He helped me in the various positions I wanted to try, kept Harry Potter going, got me ice, rubbed my back when I wanted it and stayed away when I couldn't stand to be touched.  I tried about every position we learned in our birthing class.  In the beginning squatting on the ball was best.  It provided relief and I could lean over on the bed for support and to stretch a bit.  Adam could also easily put counter pressure on my lower back to help with the back labor I was experiencing.

At the time I remember thinking, "Really Mom?  You're taking a picture now?" (Can you see it in my face?  I can.)  But now I'm glad she did.  Thanks Mom!

As things progressed I stood in front of Adam and grabbed his forearms.  When the contraction would start I would hold on, lean into him and bend over.  My head was in his chest.  He was a trooper.  I know I was squeezing the dickens out of him and leaning with all my strength, but he didn't flinch and supported me.  Although he said he was shocked the first time how strong I was.  He didn't realize labor would turn me into the Hulk.

I started to have more intense back labor and was worried that meant while she was head down, she was flipped the wrong way.  My nurse said that getting on my hands and knees and rocking my hips side to side might help with the pain and help her flip if she was the wrong way.  So I got up on the flat bed and tried it.  While it was still intense I did find it helped.  I spent most of the last couple hours in that position (and was about ready to just take that stupid hospital gown off . . . it was scratchy, hot and in the way!).

Something that surprised me about myself during labor was how vocal I was.  I'm not a very loud person so I thought I'd be pretty reserved.  Nope.  Once the contractions really started to get intense I did a lot of low, deep moaning.  It really helped me. It made it easier to focus and to breathe.  Adam was also a champ and helping me to remember to breathe properly which helped immensely too.  Who would have thought a simple thing like breathing could help so much?

The last couple hours were very intense and at one point I asked about my options for pain meds.  Adam and I had talked about what I wanted him to do when I inevitably hit that wall beforehand.  I wanted him to suggest that the nurse check me to get an idea about where we were and remind me why I wanted to do this without meds in the first place.  He did just that and it really helped to focus me again.  Another nurse came in to talk to me and check me (mine was grabbing some lunch) and I was 9cm and almost totally effaced.  We really were in the last bit.  It gave me that extra encouragement to know we were almost done.  Plus at that point getting the epidural would have only numbed me from pushing, which is a whole lot better than labor itself (for me it was actually a relief).  Full disclosure: I did mumble at one point that "This was a stupid idea (going pain med free)" but it was worth it in the end.

When my nurse came back she checked me again and I was almost 10cm.  I asked her when I would know it was time to push.  Everyone had told me, "You'll know."  That was not helpful to me.  She said it would be uncontrollable, almost instinctual.  Another variation of "You'll know."  I just grunted and moaned through the next contraction.  She checked me again after 3 more contractions and said she'd call my doctor because I was a full 10cm and only had a little effacement left to go (yet another example of my cervix deciding to work more than it needed to at the wrong time).  After another couple contractions I felt that urge.  It truly was a different feeling and as much as I didn't find "You'll know" helpful beforehand, it's pretty accurate.

My doctor came and I flipped onto my back while my nurse got the bed into position and made sure everything was ready.  The nurse who leads the support groups wasn't supposed to be working that day, but she was on call and got called in.  Lucky for us because she got to be Alice's baby catcher.  I was so glad to have her there.  It made me much more at ease knowing Alice would be taken care of by someone I know and trust.

My nurse was on one side and Adam was on the other, helping and encouraging me through the pushing process.  Mom watched and took pictures for us (thank goodness, otherwise we wouldn't have any of Alice snuggled on my chest right after she was born).  Pushing was such a relief after labor.  I felt like I was accomplishing something and it relieved the pressure.  I only pushed for about 20 minutes or so.  She must have been sitting in my pelvis for most of labor because she came pretty quickly and was a bit cone headed at first (I also may have continued pushing through some of the contractions after my doctor said I could stop . . . I was in the zone).  She also had a bit of bruising on her head, but it went away within the first couple days.

Then she was finally on the outside!  It was such a relief and I was in a state of shock.  They got her on my chest and I couldn't quite believe she was here and ours.  I just looked at her in disbelief and awe.  She was showing us how her lungs worked and I was so thankful she seemed to be fine.  The next little bit is a bit blurry because all I could focus on was Alice and how amazing she was.  I know my doctor took care of me (she was wonderful) and I delivered the placenta at some point.  Adam cut the cord and they took her to the nook to get her cleaned up and checked out.  Mom came over and hugged me while we were both teary and I shook (oh hormones).  Adam held her after she checked out OK and then I got her back.  We got to keep her for about an hour until she needed to go to the NICU to get her heart checked out.  While I know labor was painful and intense and at times a bit overwhelming, once she was on my chest it faded away.  It didn't seem so bad anymore.  Would I do it pain med free again if we were to have any more children?  I don't know, but I was glad I did for Alice's birth.  I don't know if I can accurately explain why it was important to me.  It was partly to see if I could, partly because my body was designed to do this, and partly because of Madeline.  It's deeply personal and not something I could probably ever get someone else to accurately understand.  But that's OK.  I still believe every woman needs to do what she feels is best for her.  If you want pain meds, go for it.  If not, that's fine too.  We each experience the process differently and need to do what's best for us.  If you get an epidural it doesn't mean you're weak and if you don't it doesn't mean you want a medal.  Let's all support each other.  OK . . . off of my soapbox now.

Before Alice had to leave, Adam and I had a few minutes alone with her (Mom went out to the waiting room to be with the rest of our family that was there) and we decided on her name.  Our top two names were Alice Martha and Maisie Alice.  It was important to me that she have an "M" initial because everyone in our family would have one.  It was a way to honor Madeline.  When we saw her we knew she was an Alice.  Plus, she would be named after her two great grandmothers (both of our Mom's moms).  They were both amazing women and we know they would have loved her so much.  My nurse came back in and I tried breastfeeding to get in that first hour window.  Adam went with her to see where she was going to be and then came back to help get me moved to the Mother Baby room.

Getting your footprints done is no fun

Our little conehead

A little less upset (but to be fair I'de be upset too after being ousted from my warm, cozy home to this cold, bright, loud place).

Daddy loves her so much

Mommy does too

We moved to the Mother Baby unit and my parents, Adam's mom and his sister all came back.  We told them Alice's name, talked about labor, how beautiful she was and waited for her to be brought back.  Time moved quickly and slowly all at the same time.  After a while I was getting antsy.  It felt like she'd been gone forever and I wanted to see her.  I got my robe and flip flops on, grabbed my IV pole and Adam and I walked back to the NICU.  Apparently it is policy that if a baby goes back there for any kind of observation they stay for 4 hours (I didn't realize this).  By the time we made it back there she had been moved to the step down nursery to finish getting cleaned up and checked out before they brought her back.  We went to the nursery and they told us they were about ready to bring her to us.  We looked at her through the window (mostly for me to assure myself she was there and OK) and went back to the room.  Before long they brought her in and she got to meet everyone that was there.  They told us our doctor had to read the echo to make any official report but her heart seemed to be OK.  Thank goodness!

We all loved on Alice and marveled at how wonderful life was for a while.  We Face Timed with Adam's Dad so he could see her more "in person" since he couldn't be there that night.  Everyone stayed for a bit, but then decided it was time for us to have some alone time and try and get some rest.

My mom (Grandma) holding Alice

Adam's mom (Gamma) holding Alice

Adam's sister (Auntie Em) holding Alice

My dad (Grandpa) holding Alice

Adam's dad (Papaw) holding Alice the next day

It was a long day, but so amazing.  I remember holding her, gazing at her and just being so thankful that she was here and healthy.  I loved her already, but it was even more real and intense now that I was holding her.  I thought about Madeline a lot too.  I saw a lot of her in Alice.  I couldn't help but wonder what she would have been like if she had been born when she was supposed to be.  While thinking about her was tinged with sadness, I was also thankful.  We got to hold her and be with her.  And because of her we have Alice (and are even more thankful for her).  I had worried about how my emotions were going to be when thinking about Madeline, but overall the happiness of the day outweighed the sadness and guilt.

We settled in for the first night of what our lives were going to be now.  Mommy, Daddy and Alice.

I know I've already used this picture, but it's one of my favorites

Our sweet Alice Martha Browne

The Last Day/Night

July 31st

Today it's official.  I'm being induced tomorrow morning at 7:30 am.  I still can't quite believe it.  At my appointment this week I was 4cm dilated and looked like my water could break at any moment.  I've also been having contractions on and off, but they never became regular.  My doctor said she thought the baby was ready and I was ready.  Since she didn't want me to go much past my due date if at all due to the gestational diabetes we decided to schedule an induction and see what happens.  After a bit of drama with the scheduling person (I think I made her mad . . . but call me when you say you're going to and I won't be that persistent caller) we finally got word today that they could get me in tomorrow because of a cancellation.  Then everything became real.

Up until now it's still been easy to think in the abstract.  Not anymore.  At some point tomorrow she will be on the outside and that is still sinking in.  We've been waiting for her for what feels like forever but at the same time the whole third trimester just flew by.  It's bittersweet.  I'll miss her hiccups and feeling her move.  For the most part she was always considerate and didn't jab me or get up under my ribs.  But while I won't be able to feel her move on the inside anymore I'll get to hold her in my arms . . . so I think it's a fair trade.

I know I need to try and sleep, but I'm filled with so many emotions it's difficult.  I'm a bit nervous about induction.  It wasn't my first choice, but with the gestational diabetes we need to do what is best for her and me.  The good thing is that because I've already dilated so much, she's dropped and it's anyone's guess why my water hasn't broken yet, it shouldn't be too bad.  I'll get pitocin, but hopefully I won't need a huge dose or have it constantly.  Hopefully it will kick start my body and then things will progress from there (here's hoping!).  Aside from that I'd like to do this naturally and my doctor was very supportive of that.  Another comfort.

At this point all I can do is go and see what happens.  I have an idea in my head of what I hope will happen, but the most important thing is that she's healthy and I'm heathy at the end.  Whatever we need to do in between we'll do and it will be fine.  So here's to the morning and having a baby.

Laying in bed, baby girl is all bunched up on the left.  Last look at my bump before the morning!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month

The month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month, but today, the 15th, is a specific day in the month to remember.  I've been silent on the blog for a while (I've been writing several posts, but none of them are finished . . . we're all surprised I don't have time to do all of this with a baby in the house right?) but I needed to write something and get it out today (even if it's late at night).

This month has been a mixture of emotions for me.  I've been thinking about Madeline (I always do) but I've felt guilty because I feel like I haven't been thinking about her as much as I should.  I know I shouldn't.  Alice needs me more right now.  But sometimes that is easier said than done.

We went to the walk on Sunday and going into it I thought it would be easier this year.  We have Alice now, surely that means it will be easier?  I'm in a better place this year than I was last year, that will make a difference right?  And when we first got there it was better.  I knew what to expect so there wasn't that newness trepidation I felt last year.  I knew people besides my family this year and that helped too.  We had family with us again, another helpful thing.  When I wrote on Madeline's bird house I wasn't shaking uncontrollably like I was making her wind chime last year.  But when the ceremony to start everything began I was right back to where I had been last year.

The leader of our support group talked about why we were there and who we were remembering.  She began by talking about those of us who had experienced miscarriages and I was done.  It had been 2 years (almost to the day) since I had found out I was pregnant the first time.  We were not only remembering Madeline but our first baby.  He or she may have only been around 9 weeks when we lost them but we still miss them.  We had been trying and waiting and had so many hopes and dreams for that baby.  Loosing Madeline was harder, but that loss was still genuine.

Then she talked about babies who were born too soon or still born.  The words were lovely but as I looked at Alice asleep in her stroller I kept thinking about how Madeline would have been almost a year old if she'd been born when she was supposed to be.  I was such a mix of sadness, happiness, thankfulness and guilt.  Sad because I miss Madeline and wonder what she would have been like.  Happiness that we got to hold her and be with her.  Happiness that we have Alice.  Thankfulness that Alice is healthy and happy.  Guilt that I was so happy about Alice and hadn't been thinking of Madeline as much.  Guilt that we wouldn't have Alice without loosing Madeline.  Guilt that I should be so happy to have Alice (and I am) but there's still that sadness that will creep in.

I was surprised how emotional I was.  Last year I cried a bit, but this year was worse.  I think it's because I'm also so thankful to have Alice.  I cried out of sadness and happiness.  Adam and I stood next to Alice in the stroller and hugged each other when we needed it and looked in awe at the beautiful baby we are so lucky to get to call our own. Alice wore her "I'm the Little Sister" bib in honor of her big sister Madeline.

The walk itself from the Henry Clay memorial to Baby Land was seemed faster this year.  Maybe because I talked to other people and wasn't so much in my own head.  It was also a lovely day which also helped.

The ceremony at Baby Land was nice, as it was last year.  When they called Madeline's name, Adam and I went up to get her bird house and water the tree together.  We didn't take Alice up with us because she was asleep and it would have been too hard to push the stroller up there through the grass.  Next year she'll go with us.  The ceremony ends with a poem that the audience speaks during.  I could do the first couple and after that I just said it in my head.

Afterwards we went to visit Madeline and Alice woke up.  We put down some pretty fall Mums and took a picture with all of us.  In the end it was peaceful and that was such a good note to leave on.

Afterwards we had several of my friends from support group and their families over to our house to visit and eat. It was so nice to have them all here and to be together. having these women in my life has been such a comfort and blessing.

At the end of the day I looked at Madeline's pictures on my own and told her how much we love her and miss her. Overall it was a good day, but a lot harder than i was expecting.

Tonight I lit Madeline's candle from the candlelight service last December in remembrance of her and all the children I know that have been lost.  My heart goes out to all of you who are with me today (and every day). Remember you are not alone and there are so many avenues of support. Don't be afraid to use them. If you need information about support group or other communities of support please contact me and I will get you in touch with people (myself included).

Thank you to all of you who have been and continue to love and support us. We're still on this journey and we couldn't make it through alone.

We love and miss you Madeline Claire Browne.