Saturday, November 8, 2014
2014 Thankful Day 8
Today I am thankful for a nice day with my little family. Adam and I enjoyed our sweet girl (even when she was overly tired), had some fun time outside since it was actually nice, got a few things done around the house, watched a movie, and relaxed with the furry children. Pretty uneventful, but just lovely in my book.
Friday, November 7, 2014
2014 Thankful Day 7
Today I am thankful for OxiClean. It is amazing stuff. It gets all manner of baby stains out of all manner of things. It has saved clothes, towels, changing pads, socks, blankets and so much more. Thank you OxiClean for ensuring I didn't have to throw cute clothes away (especially that time it was the first time she wore the outfit).
Thursday, November 6, 2014
2014 Thankful Day 6
Today I'm thankful for snuggles on the couch on this cold, wet night. Baby snuggles and animal snuggles, I am truly lucky. I'm surrounded by love and warmth.
2014 Thankful Day 5
Today I am thankful for my support groups and the women I have met through them. They have provided such comfort and helped me through difficult times. They have also been there to celebrate happy times. During my pregnancy with Alice, talking to other women who had experienced losses and were now pregnant made me feel less crazy, anxious and helped me get through the next month. They are an amazing group of women and while I wish we hadn't met the way we did, I am so very glad and thankful we did.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
2014 Thankful Day 4
Today I'm thankful for two things. The first is that I have the right to vote and was able to exercise that right today. Even though sometimes it feels like choosing the lesser of two evils, nothing changes if you stay at home and don't let your voice be heard. As Alice and I were on our way I couldn't help but sing "Sufferin' 'till Suffrage." Yes, from School House Rock. It has a special place in my heart. I'm teaching her the importance of her civic duty early.
The second thing I'm thankful for today is a lovely lunch with two dear friends. Who would have thought that when we ended up living together and next to each other our freshman year of college, 13 years later (yikes!) we'd still be friends and mothers? I'm thankful to have them with me on this journey of motherhood. They are amazing women and have always been supportive and caring. I'm thankful they are in my life and Alice's life.
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| Alice went with me to vote! |
The second thing I'm thankful for today is a lovely lunch with two dear friends. Who would have thought that when we ended up living together and next to each other our freshman year of college, 13 years later (yikes!) we'd still be friends and mothers? I'm thankful to have them with me on this journey of motherhood. They are amazing women and have always been supportive and caring. I'm thankful they are in my life and Alice's life.
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| Spring 2014 |
Monday, November 3, 2014
2014 Thankful Day 3
Today I'm thankful for bath time. Alice loves baths (the real kind, not sponge baths . . . those are the Devil). She is always smiley and happy. She loves the water and has started to realize she can splash (I may not think that's fun in a couple months, but it is right now). If she's fussy or fighting sleep, bath time always makes her happy (as it did tonight). It's part of our winding down routine at night and I think it's starting to cement itself as a cue for bed time for her. It's a time that we both enjoy (and Daddy too on the weekends!) and I look forward to it (not to mention it means a guaranteed happy baby. If she's not happy in the bath she's not feeling well).
Sunday, November 2, 2014
2014 Thankful Day 2
Today I'm thankful for my husband. We have been through a lot in our seven years of marriage, but I'm glad we were together through it all. We have our good times and bad times, but we always talk and come out the other side and are stronger for it. Loosing Madeline was harder than anything I have experienced (and I hope ever will), and I know I would not have gotten through without him. We both had good days and bad days, but in the end we were honest and talked and were there for each other. And that is still true of both. Now that we have Alice I love him even more. I saw a quote the other day that said, "I thought I loved you, and then I saw you hold our child." It's been very true for me. Seeing Adam so happy when she was born made me happier than I can say. And watching him with her, taking care of her, loving her and interacting with her always makes my heart swell a bit. I'm thankful that he wants to be so involved and helps me. I'm thankful he loves Alice. I'm thankful he loves me. I'm thankful for how hard he works for our family. I'm thankful for his service to our country. I'm thankful for his integrity and loyalty. I'm thankful he is my partner in our marriage, as parents and in life. I'm thankful I get to spend the rest of my life with him.
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| With Alice in the hospital |
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| He loves her so |
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| She loves him too |
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| Play time before he has to go to work |
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| I love him too! |
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| I love and am thankful for the family we have created |
Saturday, November 1, 2014
2014 Thankful Day 1
It's November again and I'm going to do my best to do daily "thankful" posts. They may not all be deep or long, but hopefully I'll be able to get something up. The past couple years this has really helped me stay positive and focus on all the blessings I have. Even though this year I'm in a much better place than I have been at this time the past two years, I still think it's a good idea. So here goes.
Since it's November 1st and that means Alice is 3 months old today, I'm going to start with her. I am so very thankful for my sweet girl. Life isn't always rainbows but she is worth all of it (and we really are lucky . . . she's overall a really good baby). She has brought so much joy and love to our lives. We've been through a lot to get here and I will never be able to truly articulate how lucky I feel to have Alice. Her smile brightens my day (even if it's 2am and I would really rather be asleep). Watching her discover things is entertaining and fun. I love being her Mommy and I sometimes still can't quite believe this is all real and I'm this lucky. I have a happy, healthy, growing baby and I couldn't be more thankful. These first three months have been an adventure, a challenge, a blessing, full of joy, sleepless nights, snuggles, diaper changes, smiles, tears, and so much love. I'm thankful for all of it and am looking forward to so much more.
Since it's November 1st and that means Alice is 3 months old today, I'm going to start with her. I am so very thankful for my sweet girl. Life isn't always rainbows but she is worth all of it (and we really are lucky . . . she's overall a really good baby). She has brought so much joy and love to our lives. We've been through a lot to get here and I will never be able to truly articulate how lucky I feel to have Alice. Her smile brightens my day (even if it's 2am and I would really rather be asleep). Watching her discover things is entertaining and fun. I love being her Mommy and I sometimes still can't quite believe this is all real and I'm this lucky. I have a happy, healthy, growing baby and I couldn't be more thankful. These first three months have been an adventure, a challenge, a blessing, full of joy, sleepless nights, snuggles, diaper changes, smiles, tears, and so much love. I'm thankful for all of it and am looking forward to so much more.
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| Alice and I the day she was born |
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| One month old pic |
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| Alice and I in September |
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| Two month pic |
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| Alice and I in October |
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| Three month pic |
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Alice's Birth Day
It has taken me a while to finally be able to sit down and write this but that day is still vivid in my mind. A few details here and there may be fuzzy, but it was the happiest day of my life so it's pretty well seared into my memory.
We had to be at the hospital at 7:30am on Friday August 1st. Since I still needed to check in we got there a bit early to ensure we'd be in labor and delivery by 7:30. Adam and I went up and Mom parked the car. We got checked in and then headed back to L&D. About a month before I had toured L&D as well as the mother-baby unit and NICU with the nurse who leads our support group. I figured out which room we were in when Madeline was born and she made a note in my file to keep me out of that room and the other room if at all possible. I understood that may not be an option, but it was nice to know it was noted. As we were lead to our room I took a deep breath because we were heading to the same hallway. Thankfully we went into a different room (next door, but different). My nurse came in and we got started.
Since I was positive for Group B Strep I had to be on IV antibiotics from the start to delivery. They are administered in 4 hour cycles. In order for the baby to be covered that first cycle must get through totally. Because of this my nurse started me on those right away and waited to start the pitocin until about an hour later. Since I was already 4cm dilated and pretty well effaced we didn't know how long things were going to take and we wanted to make sure that first round got in.
While she was hooking me up to all the monitors and the IV we talked about my hopes for delivery as well as comparing this time to Madeline's delivery. I told her I wanted to try and deliver without any pain meds, but that I wanted to know when the cutoff was. She told me that most likely the level of pitocin wouldn't be as high this time as it was with Madeline. Then the goal was to get the process over with quickly and that wasn't the goal this time (unless something changed during the process and she was in distress). She told me that because of this even though I would be on pitocin it was more to jump start the process and hopefully wouldn't get too high and I should be able to be drug free if I wanted to be.
While we waited for the pitocin to start Adam set up the computer and started the first Harry Potter movie. That was my comfort and relaxation for labor. We're all shocked I know. I also asked for a labor ball which she brought into the room. We spent that first hour or so just waiting and getting settled. Around 9am my nurse came in to start the pitocin.
At first it didn't really feel like anything was happening. I felt a bit crampy, but nothing like I had felt with Madeline. They got a bit stronger and my nurse bumped up the pitocin a notch about every hour. I started at a 6 and ended at an 8. Even though I had to be hooked up to the monitors at all times because of the pitocin, I was still able to move (thank goodness!). I walked where I could and used the ball in the beginning. Adam was right there helping however I asked him to. The class we took really came in handy and we used almost every technique at some point during the day. One thing that really sticks out in my mind from that first part of labor is looking at the contraction monitor and thinking it was a liar. I could feel contractions that either would be a small blip or not register at all. Later I would realize it was because they really weren't much compared to what was coming, but at the time I couldn't believe they weren't showing up.
Around 11:30am my doctor came in to check me and break my water. I could have waited for it to happen naturally, but it would help things progress and hopefully mean my pitocin wouldn't have to go too high. The feeling of your water breaking is something I don't think you can get used to or find pleasant. Not to mention the fact that you keep leaking as labor progresses and the baby moves. The area around my bed was covered in chucks (as was the birthing ball). But who said it was a clean process? Worth it in the end.
After my water broke things really started moving and my contractions got more intense. Adam and my Mom were great. They were there when I wanted them and stayed out of my way when I wanted that. I didn't get mean, but I made it known when I didn't want to be touched. Apparently I would grunt and shove them off by moving whatever body part they happened to be touching. Adam was a wonderful support and partner through the whole process. He helped me in the various positions I wanted to try, kept Harry Potter going, got me ice, rubbed my back when I wanted it and stayed away when I couldn't stand to be touched. I tried about every position we learned in our birthing class. In the beginning squatting on the ball was best. It provided relief and I could lean over on the bed for support and to stretch a bit. Adam could also easily put counter pressure on my lower back to help with the back labor I was experiencing.
As things progressed I stood in front of Adam and grabbed his forearms. When the contraction would start I would hold on, lean into him and bend over. My head was in his chest. He was a trooper. I know I was squeezing the dickens out of him and leaning with all my strength, but he didn't flinch and supported me. Although he said he was shocked the first time how strong I was. He didn't realize labor would turn me into the Hulk.
I started to have more intense back labor and was worried that meant while she was head down, she was flipped the wrong way. My nurse said that getting on my hands and knees and rocking my hips side to side might help with the pain and help her flip if she was the wrong way. So I got up on the flat bed and tried it. While it was still intense I did find it helped. I spent most of the last couple hours in that position (and was about ready to just take that stupid hospital gown off . . . it was scratchy, hot and in the way!).
Something that surprised me about myself during labor was how vocal I was. I'm not a very loud person so I thought I'd be pretty reserved. Nope. Once the contractions really started to get intense I did a lot of low, deep moaning. It really helped me. It made it easier to focus and to breathe. Adam was also a champ and helping me to remember to breathe properly which helped immensely too. Who would have thought a simple thing like breathing could help so much?
The last couple hours were very intense and at one point I asked about my options for pain meds. Adam and I had talked about what I wanted him to do when I inevitably hit that wall beforehand. I wanted him to suggest that the nurse check me to get an idea about where we were and remind me why I wanted to do this without meds in the first place. He did just that and it really helped to focus me again. Another nurse came in to talk to me and check me (mine was grabbing some lunch) and I was 9cm and almost totally effaced. We really were in the last bit. It gave me that extra encouragement to know we were almost done. Plus at that point getting the epidural would have only numbed me from pushing, which is a whole lot better than labor itself (for me it was actually a relief). Full disclosure: I did mumble at one point that "This was a stupid idea (going pain med free)" but it was worth it in the end.
When my nurse came back she checked me again and I was almost 10cm. I asked her when I would know it was time to push. Everyone had told me, "You'll know." That was not helpful to me. She said it would be uncontrollable, almost instinctual. Another variation of "You'll know." I just grunted and moaned through the next contraction. She checked me again after 3 more contractions and said she'd call my doctor because I was a full 10cm and only had a little effacement left to go (yet another example of my cervix deciding to work more than it needed to at the wrong time). After another couple contractions I felt that urge. It truly was a different feeling and as much as I didn't find "You'll know" helpful beforehand, it's pretty accurate.
My doctor came and I flipped onto my back while my nurse got the bed into position and made sure everything was ready. The nurse who leads the support groups wasn't supposed to be working that day, but she was on call and got called in. Lucky for us because she got to be Alice's baby catcher. I was so glad to have her there. It made me much more at ease knowing Alice would be taken care of by someone I know and trust.
My nurse was on one side and Adam was on the other, helping and encouraging me through the pushing process. Mom watched and took pictures for us (thank goodness, otherwise we wouldn't have any of Alice snuggled on my chest right after she was born). Pushing was such a relief after labor. I felt like I was accomplishing something and it relieved the pressure. I only pushed for about 20 minutes or so. She must have been sitting in my pelvis for most of labor because she came pretty quickly and was a bit cone headed at first (I also may have continued pushing through some of the contractions after my doctor said I could stop . . . I was in the zone). She also had a bit of bruising on her head, but it went away within the first couple days.
Then she was finally on the outside! It was such a relief and I was in a state of shock. They got her on my chest and I couldn't quite believe she was here and ours. I just looked at her in disbelief and awe. She was showing us how her lungs worked and I was so thankful she seemed to be fine. The next little bit is a bit blurry because all I could focus on was Alice and how amazing she was. I know my doctor took care of me (she was wonderful) and I delivered the placenta at some point. Adam cut the cord and they took her to the nook to get her cleaned up and checked out. Mom came over and hugged me while we were both teary and I shook (oh hormones). Adam held her after she checked out OK and then I got her back. We got to keep her for about an hour until she needed to go to the NICU to get her heart checked out. While I know labor was painful and intense and at times a bit overwhelming, once she was on my chest it faded away. It didn't seem so bad anymore. Would I do it pain med free again if we were to have any more children? I don't know, but I was glad I did for Alice's birth. I don't know if I can accurately explain why it was important to me. It was partly to see if I could, partly because my body was designed to do this, and partly because of Madeline. It's deeply personal and not something I could probably ever get someone else to accurately understand. But that's OK. I still believe every woman needs to do what she feels is best for her. If you want pain meds, go for it. If not, that's fine too. We each experience the process differently and need to do what's best for us. If you get an epidural it doesn't mean you're weak and if you don't it doesn't mean you want a medal. Let's all support each other. OK . . . off of my soapbox now.
Before Alice had to leave, Adam and I had a few minutes alone with her (Mom went out to the waiting room to be with the rest of our family that was there) and we decided on her name. Our top two names were Alice Martha and Maisie Alice. It was important to me that she have an "M" initial because everyone in our family would have one. It was a way to honor Madeline. When we saw her we knew she was an Alice. Plus, she would be named after her two great grandmothers (both of our Mom's moms). They were both amazing women and we know they would have loved her so much. My nurse came back in and I tried breastfeeding to get in that first hour window. Adam went with her to see where she was going to be and then came back to help get me moved to the Mother Baby room.
We moved to the Mother Baby unit and my parents, Adam's mom and his sister all came back. We told them Alice's name, talked about labor, how beautiful she was and waited for her to be brought back. Time moved quickly and slowly all at the same time. After a while I was getting antsy. It felt like she'd been gone forever and I wanted to see her. I got my robe and flip flops on, grabbed my IV pole and Adam and I walked back to the NICU. Apparently it is policy that if a baby goes back there for any kind of observation they stay for 4 hours (I didn't realize this). By the time we made it back there she had been moved to the step down nursery to finish getting cleaned up and checked out before they brought her back. We went to the nursery and they told us they were about ready to bring her to us. We looked at her through the window (mostly for me to assure myself she was there and OK) and went back to the room. Before long they brought her in and she got to meet everyone that was there. They told us our doctor had to read the echo to make any official report but her heart seemed to be OK. Thank goodness!
We all loved on Alice and marveled at how wonderful life was for a while. We Face Timed with Adam's Dad so he could see her more "in person" since he couldn't be there that night. Everyone stayed for a bit, but then decided it was time for us to have some alone time and try and get some rest.
It was a long day, but so amazing. I remember holding her, gazing at her and just being so thankful that she was here and healthy. I loved her already, but it was even more real and intense now that I was holding her. I thought about Madeline a lot too. I saw a lot of her in Alice. I couldn't help but wonder what she would have been like if she had been born when she was supposed to be. While thinking about her was tinged with sadness, I was also thankful. We got to hold her and be with her. And because of her we have Alice (and are even more thankful for her). I had worried about how my emotions were going to be when thinking about Madeline, but overall the happiness of the day outweighed the sadness and guilt.
We settled in for the first night of what our lives were going to be now. Mommy, Daddy and Alice.
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| Final bump picture |
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| Getting ready to head to the hospital. |
Since I was positive for Group B Strep I had to be on IV antibiotics from the start to delivery. They are administered in 4 hour cycles. In order for the baby to be covered that first cycle must get through totally. Because of this my nurse started me on those right away and waited to start the pitocin until about an hour later. Since I was already 4cm dilated and pretty well effaced we didn't know how long things were going to take and we wanted to make sure that first round got in.
While she was hooking me up to all the monitors and the IV we talked about my hopes for delivery as well as comparing this time to Madeline's delivery. I told her I wanted to try and deliver without any pain meds, but that I wanted to know when the cutoff was. She told me that most likely the level of pitocin wouldn't be as high this time as it was with Madeline. Then the goal was to get the process over with quickly and that wasn't the goal this time (unless something changed during the process and she was in distress). She told me that because of this even though I would be on pitocin it was more to jump start the process and hopefully wouldn't get too high and I should be able to be drug free if I wanted to be.
While we waited for the pitocin to start Adam set up the computer and started the first Harry Potter movie. That was my comfort and relaxation for labor. We're all shocked I know. I also asked for a labor ball which she brought into the room. We spent that first hour or so just waiting and getting settled. Around 9am my nurse came in to start the pitocin.
At first it didn't really feel like anything was happening. I felt a bit crampy, but nothing like I had felt with Madeline. They got a bit stronger and my nurse bumped up the pitocin a notch about every hour. I started at a 6 and ended at an 8. Even though I had to be hooked up to the monitors at all times because of the pitocin, I was still able to move (thank goodness!). I walked where I could and used the ball in the beginning. Adam was right there helping however I asked him to. The class we took really came in handy and we used almost every technique at some point during the day. One thing that really sticks out in my mind from that first part of labor is looking at the contraction monitor and thinking it was a liar. I could feel contractions that either would be a small blip or not register at all. Later I would realize it was because they really weren't much compared to what was coming, but at the time I couldn't believe they weren't showing up.
Around 11:30am my doctor came in to check me and break my water. I could have waited for it to happen naturally, but it would help things progress and hopefully mean my pitocin wouldn't have to go too high. The feeling of your water breaking is something I don't think you can get used to or find pleasant. Not to mention the fact that you keep leaking as labor progresses and the baby moves. The area around my bed was covered in chucks (as was the birthing ball). But who said it was a clean process? Worth it in the end.
After my water broke things really started moving and my contractions got more intense. Adam and my Mom were great. They were there when I wanted them and stayed out of my way when I wanted that. I didn't get mean, but I made it known when I didn't want to be touched. Apparently I would grunt and shove them off by moving whatever body part they happened to be touching. Adam was a wonderful support and partner through the whole process. He helped me in the various positions I wanted to try, kept Harry Potter going, got me ice, rubbed my back when I wanted it and stayed away when I couldn't stand to be touched. I tried about every position we learned in our birthing class. In the beginning squatting on the ball was best. It provided relief and I could lean over on the bed for support and to stretch a bit. Adam could also easily put counter pressure on my lower back to help with the back labor I was experiencing.
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| At the time I remember thinking, "Really Mom? You're taking a picture now?" (Can you see it in my face? I can.) But now I'm glad she did. Thanks Mom! |
As things progressed I stood in front of Adam and grabbed his forearms. When the contraction would start I would hold on, lean into him and bend over. My head was in his chest. He was a trooper. I know I was squeezing the dickens out of him and leaning with all my strength, but he didn't flinch and supported me. Although he said he was shocked the first time how strong I was. He didn't realize labor would turn me into the Hulk.
I started to have more intense back labor and was worried that meant while she was head down, she was flipped the wrong way. My nurse said that getting on my hands and knees and rocking my hips side to side might help with the pain and help her flip if she was the wrong way. So I got up on the flat bed and tried it. While it was still intense I did find it helped. I spent most of the last couple hours in that position (and was about ready to just take that stupid hospital gown off . . . it was scratchy, hot and in the way!).
Something that surprised me about myself during labor was how vocal I was. I'm not a very loud person so I thought I'd be pretty reserved. Nope. Once the contractions really started to get intense I did a lot of low, deep moaning. It really helped me. It made it easier to focus and to breathe. Adam was also a champ and helping me to remember to breathe properly which helped immensely too. Who would have thought a simple thing like breathing could help so much?
The last couple hours were very intense and at one point I asked about my options for pain meds. Adam and I had talked about what I wanted him to do when I inevitably hit that wall beforehand. I wanted him to suggest that the nurse check me to get an idea about where we were and remind me why I wanted to do this without meds in the first place. He did just that and it really helped to focus me again. Another nurse came in to talk to me and check me (mine was grabbing some lunch) and I was 9cm and almost totally effaced. We really were in the last bit. It gave me that extra encouragement to know we were almost done. Plus at that point getting the epidural would have only numbed me from pushing, which is a whole lot better than labor itself (for me it was actually a relief). Full disclosure: I did mumble at one point that "This was a stupid idea (going pain med free)" but it was worth it in the end.
When my nurse came back she checked me again and I was almost 10cm. I asked her when I would know it was time to push. Everyone had told me, "You'll know." That was not helpful to me. She said it would be uncontrollable, almost instinctual. Another variation of "You'll know." I just grunted and moaned through the next contraction. She checked me again after 3 more contractions and said she'd call my doctor because I was a full 10cm and only had a little effacement left to go (yet another example of my cervix deciding to work more than it needed to at the wrong time). After another couple contractions I felt that urge. It truly was a different feeling and as much as I didn't find "You'll know" helpful beforehand, it's pretty accurate.
My doctor came and I flipped onto my back while my nurse got the bed into position and made sure everything was ready. The nurse who leads the support groups wasn't supposed to be working that day, but she was on call and got called in. Lucky for us because she got to be Alice's baby catcher. I was so glad to have her there. It made me much more at ease knowing Alice would be taken care of by someone I know and trust.
My nurse was on one side and Adam was on the other, helping and encouraging me through the pushing process. Mom watched and took pictures for us (thank goodness, otherwise we wouldn't have any of Alice snuggled on my chest right after she was born). Pushing was such a relief after labor. I felt like I was accomplishing something and it relieved the pressure. I only pushed for about 20 minutes or so. She must have been sitting in my pelvis for most of labor because she came pretty quickly and was a bit cone headed at first (I also may have continued pushing through some of the contractions after my doctor said I could stop . . . I was in the zone). She also had a bit of bruising on her head, but it went away within the first couple days.
Then she was finally on the outside! It was such a relief and I was in a state of shock. They got her on my chest and I couldn't quite believe she was here and ours. I just looked at her in disbelief and awe. She was showing us how her lungs worked and I was so thankful she seemed to be fine. The next little bit is a bit blurry because all I could focus on was Alice and how amazing she was. I know my doctor took care of me (she was wonderful) and I delivered the placenta at some point. Adam cut the cord and they took her to the nook to get her cleaned up and checked out. Mom came over and hugged me while we were both teary and I shook (oh hormones). Adam held her after she checked out OK and then I got her back. We got to keep her for about an hour until she needed to go to the NICU to get her heart checked out. While I know labor was painful and intense and at times a bit overwhelming, once she was on my chest it faded away. It didn't seem so bad anymore. Would I do it pain med free again if we were to have any more children? I don't know, but I was glad I did for Alice's birth. I don't know if I can accurately explain why it was important to me. It was partly to see if I could, partly because my body was designed to do this, and partly because of Madeline. It's deeply personal and not something I could probably ever get someone else to accurately understand. But that's OK. I still believe every woman needs to do what she feels is best for her. If you want pain meds, go for it. If not, that's fine too. We each experience the process differently and need to do what's best for us. If you get an epidural it doesn't mean you're weak and if you don't it doesn't mean you want a medal. Let's all support each other. OK . . . off of my soapbox now.
Before Alice had to leave, Adam and I had a few minutes alone with her (Mom went out to the waiting room to be with the rest of our family that was there) and we decided on her name. Our top two names were Alice Martha and Maisie Alice. It was important to me that she have an "M" initial because everyone in our family would have one. It was a way to honor Madeline. When we saw her we knew she was an Alice. Plus, she would be named after her two great grandmothers (both of our Mom's moms). They were both amazing women and we know they would have loved her so much. My nurse came back in and I tried breastfeeding to get in that first hour window. Adam went with her to see where she was going to be and then came back to help get me moved to the Mother Baby room.
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| Getting your footprints done is no fun |
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| Our little conehead |
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| A little less upset (but to be fair I'de be upset too after being ousted from my warm, cozy home to this cold, bright, loud place). |
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| Daddy loves her so much |
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| Mommy does too |
We moved to the Mother Baby unit and my parents, Adam's mom and his sister all came back. We told them Alice's name, talked about labor, how beautiful she was and waited for her to be brought back. Time moved quickly and slowly all at the same time. After a while I was getting antsy. It felt like she'd been gone forever and I wanted to see her. I got my robe and flip flops on, grabbed my IV pole and Adam and I walked back to the NICU. Apparently it is policy that if a baby goes back there for any kind of observation they stay for 4 hours (I didn't realize this). By the time we made it back there she had been moved to the step down nursery to finish getting cleaned up and checked out before they brought her back. We went to the nursery and they told us they were about ready to bring her to us. We looked at her through the window (mostly for me to assure myself she was there and OK) and went back to the room. Before long they brought her in and she got to meet everyone that was there. They told us our doctor had to read the echo to make any official report but her heart seemed to be OK. Thank goodness!
We all loved on Alice and marveled at how wonderful life was for a while. We Face Timed with Adam's Dad so he could see her more "in person" since he couldn't be there that night. Everyone stayed for a bit, but then decided it was time for us to have some alone time and try and get some rest.
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| My mom (Grandma) holding Alice |
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| Adam's mom (Gamma) holding Alice |
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| Adam's sister (Auntie Em) holding Alice |
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| My dad (Grandpa) holding Alice |
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| Adam's dad (Papaw) holding Alice the next day |
It was a long day, but so amazing. I remember holding her, gazing at her and just being so thankful that she was here and healthy. I loved her already, but it was even more real and intense now that I was holding her. I thought about Madeline a lot too. I saw a lot of her in Alice. I couldn't help but wonder what she would have been like if she had been born when she was supposed to be. While thinking about her was tinged with sadness, I was also thankful. We got to hold her and be with her. And because of her we have Alice (and are even more thankful for her). I had worried about how my emotions were going to be when thinking about Madeline, but overall the happiness of the day outweighed the sadness and guilt.
We settled in for the first night of what our lives were going to be now. Mommy, Daddy and Alice.
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| I know I've already used this picture, but it's one of my favorites |
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| Our sweet Alice Martha Browne |
The Last Day/Night
July 31st
Today it's official. I'm being induced tomorrow morning at 7:30 am. I still can't quite believe it. At my appointment this week I was 4cm dilated and looked like my water could break at any moment. I've also been having contractions on and off, but they never became regular. My doctor said she thought the baby was ready and I was ready. Since she didn't want me to go much past my due date if at all due to the gestational diabetes we decided to schedule an induction and see what happens. After a bit of drama with the scheduling person (I think I made her mad . . . but call me when you say you're going to and I won't be that persistent caller) we finally got word today that they could get me in tomorrow because of a cancellation. Then everything became real.
Up until now it's still been easy to think in the abstract. Not anymore. At some point tomorrow she will be on the outside and that is still sinking in. We've been waiting for her for what feels like forever but at the same time the whole third trimester just flew by. It's bittersweet. I'll miss her hiccups and feeling her move. For the most part she was always considerate and didn't jab me or get up under my ribs. But while I won't be able to feel her move on the inside anymore I'll get to hold her in my arms . . . so I think it's a fair trade.
I know I need to try and sleep, but I'm filled with so many emotions it's difficult. I'm a bit nervous about induction. It wasn't my first choice, but with the gestational diabetes we need to do what is best for her and me. The good thing is that because I've already dilated so much, she's dropped and it's anyone's guess why my water hasn't broken yet, it shouldn't be too bad. I'll get pitocin, but hopefully I won't need a huge dose or have it constantly. Hopefully it will kick start my body and then things will progress from there (here's hoping!). Aside from that I'd like to do this naturally and my doctor was very supportive of that. Another comfort.
At this point all I can do is go and see what happens. I have an idea in my head of what I hope will happen, but the most important thing is that she's healthy and I'm heathy at the end. Whatever we need to do in between we'll do and it will be fine. So here's to the morning and having a baby.
Today it's official. I'm being induced tomorrow morning at 7:30 am. I still can't quite believe it. At my appointment this week I was 4cm dilated and looked like my water could break at any moment. I've also been having contractions on and off, but they never became regular. My doctor said she thought the baby was ready and I was ready. Since she didn't want me to go much past my due date if at all due to the gestational diabetes we decided to schedule an induction and see what happens. After a bit of drama with the scheduling person (I think I made her mad . . . but call me when you say you're going to and I won't be that persistent caller) we finally got word today that they could get me in tomorrow because of a cancellation. Then everything became real.
Up until now it's still been easy to think in the abstract. Not anymore. At some point tomorrow she will be on the outside and that is still sinking in. We've been waiting for her for what feels like forever but at the same time the whole third trimester just flew by. It's bittersweet. I'll miss her hiccups and feeling her move. For the most part she was always considerate and didn't jab me or get up under my ribs. But while I won't be able to feel her move on the inside anymore I'll get to hold her in my arms . . . so I think it's a fair trade.
I know I need to try and sleep, but I'm filled with so many emotions it's difficult. I'm a bit nervous about induction. It wasn't my first choice, but with the gestational diabetes we need to do what is best for her and me. The good thing is that because I've already dilated so much, she's dropped and it's anyone's guess why my water hasn't broken yet, it shouldn't be too bad. I'll get pitocin, but hopefully I won't need a huge dose or have it constantly. Hopefully it will kick start my body and then things will progress from there (here's hoping!). Aside from that I'd like to do this naturally and my doctor was very supportive of that. Another comfort.
At this point all I can do is go and see what happens. I have an idea in my head of what I hope will happen, but the most important thing is that she's healthy and I'm heathy at the end. Whatever we need to do in between we'll do and it will be fine. So here's to the morning and having a baby.
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| Laying in bed, baby girl is all bunched up on the left. Last look at my bump before the morning! |
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month
The month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month, but today, the 15th, is a specific day in the month to remember. I've been silent on the blog for a while (I've been writing several posts, but none of them are finished . . . we're all surprised I don't have time to do all of this with a baby in the house right?) but I needed to write something and get it out today (even if it's late at night).
This month has been a mixture of emotions for me. I've been thinking about Madeline (I always do) but I've felt guilty because I feel like I haven't been thinking about her as much as I should. I know I shouldn't. Alice needs me more right now. But sometimes that is easier said than done.
We went to the walk on Sunday and going into it I thought it would be easier this year. We have Alice now, surely that means it will be easier? I'm in a better place this year than I was last year, that will make a difference right? And when we first got there it was better. I knew what to expect so there wasn't that newness trepidation I felt last year. I knew people besides my family this year and that helped too. We had family with us again, another helpful thing. When I wrote on Madeline's bird house I wasn't shaking uncontrollably like I was making her wind chime last year. But when the ceremony to start everything began I was right back to where I had been last year.
The leader of our support group talked about why we were there and who we were remembering. She began by talking about those of us who had experienced miscarriages and I was done. It had been 2 years (almost to the day) since I had found out I was pregnant the first time. We were not only remembering Madeline but our first baby. He or she may have only been around 9 weeks when we lost them but we still miss them. We had been trying and waiting and had so many hopes and dreams for that baby. Loosing Madeline was harder, but that loss was still genuine.
Then she talked about babies who were born too soon or still born. The words were lovely but as I looked at Alice asleep in her stroller I kept thinking about how Madeline would have been almost a year old if she'd been born when she was supposed to be. I was such a mix of sadness, happiness, thankfulness and guilt. Sad because I miss Madeline and wonder what she would have been like. Happiness that we got to hold her and be with her. Happiness that we have Alice. Thankfulness that Alice is healthy and happy. Guilt that I was so happy about Alice and hadn't been thinking of Madeline as much. Guilt that we wouldn't have Alice without loosing Madeline. Guilt that I should be so happy to have Alice (and I am) but there's still that sadness that will creep in.
I was surprised how emotional I was. Last year I cried a bit, but this year was worse. I think it's because I'm also so thankful to have Alice. I cried out of sadness and happiness. Adam and I stood next to Alice in the stroller and hugged each other when we needed it and looked in awe at the beautiful baby we are so lucky to get to call our own. Alice wore her "I'm the Little Sister" bib in honor of her big sister Madeline.
The walk itself from the Henry Clay memorial to Baby Land was seemed faster this year. Maybe because I talked to other people and wasn't so much in my own head. It was also a lovely day which also helped.
The ceremony at Baby Land was nice, as it was last year. When they called Madeline's name, Adam and I went up to get her bird house and water the tree together. We didn't take Alice up with us because she was asleep and it would have been too hard to push the stroller up there through the grass. Next year she'll go with us. The ceremony ends with a poem that the audience speaks during. I could do the first couple and after that I just said it in my head.
Afterwards we went to visit Madeline and Alice woke up. We put down some pretty fall Mums and took a picture with all of us. In the end it was peaceful and that was such a good note to leave on.
Afterwards we had several of my friends from support group and their families over to our house to visit and eat. It was so nice to have them all here and to be together. having these women in my life has been such a comfort and blessing.
At the end of the day I looked at Madeline's pictures on my own and told her how much we love her and miss her. Overall it was a good day, but a lot harder than i was expecting.
Tonight I lit Madeline's candle from the candlelight service last December in remembrance of her and all the children I know that have been lost. My heart goes out to all of you who are with me today (and every day). Remember you are not alone and there are so many avenues of support. Don't be afraid to use them. If you need information about support group or other communities of support please contact me and I will get you in touch with people (myself included).
Thank you to all of you who have been and continue to love and support us. We're still on this journey and we couldn't make it through alone.
We love and miss you Madeline Claire Browne.
This month has been a mixture of emotions for me. I've been thinking about Madeline (I always do) but I've felt guilty because I feel like I haven't been thinking about her as much as I should. I know I shouldn't. Alice needs me more right now. But sometimes that is easier said than done.
We went to the walk on Sunday and going into it I thought it would be easier this year. We have Alice now, surely that means it will be easier? I'm in a better place this year than I was last year, that will make a difference right? And when we first got there it was better. I knew what to expect so there wasn't that newness trepidation I felt last year. I knew people besides my family this year and that helped too. We had family with us again, another helpful thing. When I wrote on Madeline's bird house I wasn't shaking uncontrollably like I was making her wind chime last year. But when the ceremony to start everything began I was right back to where I had been last year.
The leader of our support group talked about why we were there and who we were remembering. She began by talking about those of us who had experienced miscarriages and I was done. It had been 2 years (almost to the day) since I had found out I was pregnant the first time. We were not only remembering Madeline but our first baby. He or she may have only been around 9 weeks when we lost them but we still miss them. We had been trying and waiting and had so many hopes and dreams for that baby. Loosing Madeline was harder, but that loss was still genuine.
Then she talked about babies who were born too soon or still born. The words were lovely but as I looked at Alice asleep in her stroller I kept thinking about how Madeline would have been almost a year old if she'd been born when she was supposed to be. I was such a mix of sadness, happiness, thankfulness and guilt. Sad because I miss Madeline and wonder what she would have been like. Happiness that we got to hold her and be with her. Happiness that we have Alice. Thankfulness that Alice is healthy and happy. Guilt that I was so happy about Alice and hadn't been thinking of Madeline as much. Guilt that we wouldn't have Alice without loosing Madeline. Guilt that I should be so happy to have Alice (and I am) but there's still that sadness that will creep in.
I was surprised how emotional I was. Last year I cried a bit, but this year was worse. I think it's because I'm also so thankful to have Alice. I cried out of sadness and happiness. Adam and I stood next to Alice in the stroller and hugged each other when we needed it and looked in awe at the beautiful baby we are so lucky to get to call our own. Alice wore her "I'm the Little Sister" bib in honor of her big sister Madeline.
The walk itself from the Henry Clay memorial to Baby Land was seemed faster this year. Maybe because I talked to other people and wasn't so much in my own head. It was also a lovely day which also helped.
The ceremony at Baby Land was nice, as it was last year. When they called Madeline's name, Adam and I went up to get her bird house and water the tree together. We didn't take Alice up with us because she was asleep and it would have been too hard to push the stroller up there through the grass. Next year she'll go with us. The ceremony ends with a poem that the audience speaks during. I could do the first couple and after that I just said it in my head.
Afterwards we went to visit Madeline and Alice woke up. We put down some pretty fall Mums and took a picture with all of us. In the end it was peaceful and that was such a good note to leave on.
Afterwards we had several of my friends from support group and their families over to our house to visit and eat. It was so nice to have them all here and to be together. having these women in my life has been such a comfort and blessing.
At the end of the day I looked at Madeline's pictures on my own and told her how much we love her and miss her. Overall it was a good day, but a lot harder than i was expecting.
Tonight I lit Madeline's candle from the candlelight service last December in remembrance of her and all the children I know that have been lost. My heart goes out to all of you who are with me today (and every day). Remember you are not alone and there are so many avenues of support. Don't be afraid to use them. If you need information about support group or other communities of support please contact me and I will get you in touch with people (myself included).
Thank you to all of you who have been and continue to love and support us. We're still on this journey and we couldn't make it through alone.
We love and miss you Madeline Claire Browne.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
August 7, 2014: One Week Old (only posted a week late!)
So here's the post I wrote on August 7th when Alice was a week old. Then life with a newborn happened and I'm just now posting this (she's now 2 weeks old). Oh well, at least it's up now right? I'll eventually get to writing other posts, it will just be a bit sporadic for a bit. My goal is to have at least her birth story written and posted by the time she's a month old. That gives me 2 weeks. Surely I can accomplish that. Right?
August 7, 2014
Since today Alice is one week old, I figured it was time to make her arrival official on the blog. It's been all over facebook (sorry for the flood of pictures . . . kind of) but I hadn't said anything here yet (I don't have a lot of time to sit and write . . . I know you're all shocked and surprised). I'll eventually write a post about her arrival and more about this first week, but for now I just wanted to acknowledge that she's here and beautiful. We're totally smitten and still can't quite believe she's here and ours.
Alice Martha Browne was born August 1st, 2014 at 4:23pm. She weighed 7 pounds 7ounces and was 20 inches long. She has long feet like her Daddy and her Mommy's nose. Here are some photos to tide you over until I'm able to write detailed posts.
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| First family photo in the hospital August 1, 2014 |
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| One of the professional photos taken in the hospital August 2, 2014 |
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| Another of the professional photos August 2, 2014 |
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| Going home from the hospital August 3, 2014 |
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| What's going on Dad? August 4, 2014 |
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| Satisfied after a meal August 5, 2014 |
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| Stories with Daddy in the window to help with jaundice August 5, 2014 |
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| Relaxing August 6, 2014 |
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| Her first violet outfit (starting this legacy off right <>) August 7, 2014 |
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| With Mommy after her first real bath at home August 7, 2014 |
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