Sorry for my absence for the month up until now. It's been a mixture of busy, flying by and a few periods of retreating into myself. I hope I'm getting better about the last part. That's certainly a goal for me.
On December 3rd instead of my regular support group meeting there was a candle light remembrance service at a local church. Before the service we received a candle to use during the service and were able to make an ornament for our babies. All of the women from my support group were there and I was able to sit with two of them during the service. The service started with a welcome from the nurse who leads our support group. Then there was a slide show of all the babies to be remembered and some had messages from their families. Then all of our children's names were called and we walked up to the front, lit our candle and placed it on a small table. There was a woman who lost her daughter 30 years ago and she crochets angels for this service for the families. It was very thoughtful and special. During this time if any of the families wanted to read or say something they were welcome to. A grandmother read a poem she had written and a preteen girl who had lost her twin brother read a poem she had written. They were both lovely and heartfelt. A song was sung by a girl I went to high school with who works for Baptist Health. It was nice to see her again and hear her beautiful voice. The reverend had a closing prayer to end the service. After the service there were refreshments in the fellowship hall and all of us from support group were able to chat and catch up. Like the walk in October I was amazed by the number of families present. Until I lost Madeline it wasn't something I'd ever really thought about, but it is a larger community that we like to think. While it was sad to see how many of us there are, there was hope in the fellowship and the families with other children. It was a special service and a nice way to remember Madeline, especially through the holidays.
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| The ornament I made for Madeline at the candle light service. |
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| The angel we were given. There were several colors we could chose from and pink seemed appropriate. |
From there the month had a lot of Christmas shopping and decorating. I usually am finishing up my shopping around Black Friday . . . not so much this year. I still decorated (I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about that leading up to December), but didn't do everything I usually do. But it was enough to still help it feel like Christmas. Overall the month hasn't been as bad as I thought it was going to be. I still had my times of being sad and there were still lots of reminders, but I imagined it would be a lot worse (perhaps that's part of why I think it hasn't been too awful). Christmas cards were one of the biggest reminders for me this year. We just sent generic (although pretty) cards. I couldn't do a picture card of us and the animals like we usually do this year. It just didn't feel right and all I could think about was the card I would have been designing if Madeline were here. I also avoided things and places I thought might upset me. I stayed away from baby areas in stores loaded down with "Baby's First Christmas"paraphernalia. I tried not to think to often about the "should have beens" although it was not all together avoidable. I had bought a Christmas dress on clearance a couple days before I went into the hospital. I've thought about it several times this month. It's sitting in the closet in a tote of baby clothes. I haven't been able to go through them yet but I know it's in there.
My parents came down the weekend before Christmas to go to the UK game and stayed through Christmas. On Monday Mom and I went to visit Madeline. My great aunt had sent a pretty fake flower arrangement for her so we took it. It was nice to leave something festive for her. Afterwards Mom and I went shopping to find some other fake flowers to make a non Christmas arrangement that she can have through the rest of winter. We'll finish it before they leave to go home so I can take it to her after the new year.
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| Madeline's small poinsettia arrangement. |
Christmas itself was OK. In all honesty it felt a lot like any other day. My parents were here so that was nice. I enjoyed the time with my family and appreciated my gifts. Overall it was a good day, it just wasn't particularly special or significant. But it wasn't horrible and I didn't spend the whole day thinking about what I had thought this Christmas should have been like. My Mom got me an ornament to remember Madeline and I got her an initial ornament. I looked for one that was somewhat baby themed but none of them were appropriate so I figured a pretty "M" would work. It's obvious it's her ornament since the only other initial in our family is "A."
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| The ornament Mom got me to remember Madeline |
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| The initial ornament I got for Madeline. |
Today overall has been good. Mom and I did some after Christmas shopping which helped keep my mind occupied. Time is still a funny thing. On one hand I can believe it's been 6 months, but on the other it feels like it can't possibly have been that long already. Half a year. I'm glad this year is almost over. Hitting this 6 month mark and the start of a new year seem significant. The new year is supposed to bring hope and that's what I'm looking forward to. I miss Madeline and wish she were here with us, but I find comfort in knowing she spent her holidays with the family members who were waiting for her in heaven.
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