Mommy judgement is a thing. A big thing. A very, very big thing. Sometimes it's internal. Sometimes it's said out loud. Sometimes it's a look. Sometimes it's a backhanded compliment. It happens. I would say we're all guilty of it at some point (we're human after all). But mostly I'm a proponent of, "They're not my kids, so you do you Momma." And in Alice's 15 months of being on the outside I haven't experienced it to my face. I'm sure there has been internal judgement, which is fine. Again, we all do it at some point. Last week, however, the to my face judgement happened.
Alice and I were at the library after story time. She was playing and running around (toddler). There is a children's section that is pretty separate from the rest of the library and within that is an open area to play. Usually when we're there as long as Alice doesn't try to leave the children's section as a whole I just follow her around and let her explore (as long as she's not disturbing anyone). She had been playing with some of their toys and was carrying my keys. She loves keys. In fact, "keys" is among her first 20 words. If she can have your keys she's pretty much content (and will tell you all about her "keys" and that we should "go"). She decided she was done playing and started to wander. I was following her, but not directly behind her. She was getting ready to leave the play area and a grandmother stuck her arm out to stop her and pull her back. That wasn't necessary, but fine. No biggie. I knew she'd just keep going once she was let go. Then she looked at the keys Alice was carrying and said, "Oh! Be careful with those honey! That's dangerous! You could hurt yourself!" And then smiled at me in a slightly patronizing way. Alice tried to pull the keys back from her and she kept talking. "That one is really pointy! Watch out." I just smiled, picked Alice up and said, "She loves her keys!" To which Alice said, "Keys!"
It doesn't really bother me. I more found it awkward, then odd, then funny because it hasn't happened to me before. Afterwards I kept thinking, "Really? You're going to Mommy judge me and that's what you picked? Oh lady, if you only knew." So in the interest of full disclosure, here are 10 things I'm sure would have been better for her to Mommy judge me on (based on frequent Mommy judgey things I've read/seen/heard).
1. At some point during the night, every night, we end up co-sleeping. Lots of days it's the only way Adam and I can cobble together what would be considered an amount of sleep to be able to function. Alice has never been a great sleeper and we do what we can so all of us can sleep at some point. Sometimes it's accidental and sometimes it's purposeful. But it happens every night. And I'm OK with that.
2. I'm still breastfeeding Alice at 15 months. And *gasp* not just before bed. Some days she's not interested during the day and only wants to nurse at night. Some days she nurses several times (and lets me know by either trying to lift my shirt up, pull it down or just put her head in my chest). It just depends. She also nurses sometime during the night a lot of nights. Not always, but it does happen. Sometimes she actually eats and sometimes it's the only way to get her to go back to sleep.
3. Alice has quite a bit of screen time. We FaceTime with my Mom almost every morning for breakfast. She doesn't pay attention the entire time (she is "done" before we are and gets down to be her busy self), but it's a chunk of time. We also frequently watch at least PBS show every day, but it can also be more depending on the day. Sometimes the TV is on in the background for a while. She loves "Monkey George," the word of the day and number of the day songs on Sesame Street, the Thomas the Tank engine theme song and I'm convinced she knows the word "go" because of The Cat in the Hat song. So yeah. Screen time.
4. Alice eats mac and cheese several times a week (often Stouffer's, the frozen cups. Have you guys seen/tried them? Because they are amazing and easy and Alice and I can split one or she has half for one meal and half for another). And by several I mean at least 3 times (and some days she eats half of a frozen cup for lunch and the other half for dinner). Another of her first 20 words? "Cheese." She likes veggies and fruit, but she will ALWAYS eat mac and cheese. So it's my go to when she's not having a very good eating day. Also she's not a big fan of milk, so I have to get the calcium in there in other ways right? Justification!
5. This may be the most damming. On November 4th I accidentally locked Alice in my car. In front of my house. At 6pm. We got home and I did what I do every time we get out of the car. I rolled my window down to open the door from the outside (the handle on the inside is broken and it's not worth it to get it fixed). I opened the door. I rolled the window back up. I turned off the car and put my keys in my purse on the passenger's seat. I shut my door. I walk around the car to open the back passenger's side door. It was locked. I checked the front passenger's side door. It was locked. I checked the driver's door. Locked. Checked the back driver's side for good measure. Locked. What?! The only thing I can figure is that I accidentally hit the lock button on my door as I was getting out of the car. Luckily it was not hot, I had my cell phone and I have good neighbors. The rest of the story is long and maybe I'll write a whole post about it, but in the end the car got unlocked, Alice was fine, I was traumatized and I was thankful for some pretty awesome humans.
6. Alice has fallen out of her crib. We thought it was lowered all the way. It wasn't. She leaned over the edge and out she flipped. I assume. I heard a loud thud and then crying when she was supposed to be napping.
7. She has also fallen down a couple stairs (Did I mention that had happened right before the locked in the car incident? No? Yeah. I won all the awards that day).
8. She gets ALL the vaccines! On the schedule recommended by our pediatrician.
9. She sometimes wears boy clothes. You heard me. My girl will sometimes wear clothes that were meant for boys. Scandalous! Seriously, I've read lots of judgement about this. What?! Also, have you seen the superhero options for toddler girls versus toddler boys? Boys win every time.
10. We'll finish on sleep again (because it's a big thing in our house). We pick Alice up and comfort her when she cries at night. We tried cry it out, but it did not work. She just kept screaming until we couldn't handle it anymore. We tried just talking to her and patting her. That only made her madder, especially once she was mobile. We have tried so many things when it comes to sleep. But usually if she wakes up and we get her, walk her around our upstairs for a bit while singing/comforting her and then lay her back down we're successful. It may happen several times each night. But it's about the only thing besides nursing that works. And judgers will say, "But self soothing! She'll never learn it!" I don't think this is the only time in her life where the opportunity to teach/learn self soothing will happen. And we all need sleep. So we'll keep doing it.
See random Grandmother? There are so many other things you could get judgy about. You picked carrying my keys around. That's just poor judgement on your part. See what I did there? ;)
In the end we all need to do what's best for our own kids and as their parents we know what that is (you know, because we're with them the most). What works for some may not work for others. And guess what? That's fine. That's what makes us all unique and the world interesting. I'm not condoning things that put your children in great danger. If you let your 3 year old play with matches by an open can of gasoline I'm going to judge you. Also, in full disclosure, I have strong feelings when it comes to not vaccinating your child too (but this is meant to be lighthearted so I'm just leaving it at that). But the every day, raising our children decisions and life are our own story. And we're all human. So judge away internet! Or come sit next to me and commiserate in solidarity. Bring coffee.
