Always With Me

So Hello. This blog still exists. We're all surprised! I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last published something on here. It's not that I haven't thought of things to write about (I even have written lots of posts, just not completed or published any), it's just finding the time can be hard. But I've found that I miss it, so here I am, trying to start blogging again.

Why today of all the days you might wonder. It's been several little things over the past week or so that culminated today and I needed to write about it.

It's October (in case you were unaware). Which means a lot of things for our family. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, including the specific day on the 15th. The Remembrance Walk at Lexington Cemetery. Madeline's due date (October 26, 2013). The anniversary of when we found out I was pregnant for the first time and then that our baby had no heartbeat at 8w4d. So yeah. It's a lot. I'm always up and down this month with my emotions all over the place. But this year has been a bit different thus far.

I've been having a lot of Mommy guilt lately. It comes with the territory, but wow. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. First, I feel guilty for how OK I seem to be doing thus far this month. Don't get me wrong. I still miss Madeline and think about her so many times a day every day, but I haven't been swinging to the bone deep grief as much this year. I know logically that's a good thing. I'm able to think about her with the love and thankfulness coming first instead of the sorrow. I know it means I'm doing better. I still wish she was here. I still have "Madeline Days" as I call them. But they're not as all consuming as they used to be. And again, I know logically that isn't a bad thing. But try to tell my heart that. I feel guilty for not feeling that bone deep sorrow all the time. I feel guilty for being better and happier. Crazy, I know. I like to think she'd want me to be happier and be able to think about her with the joy she brought us first. But I still feel guilty. I still feel like I'm somehow forgetting her (even though that's not true at all). Emotions and logic do not mix well a lot of the time.

The second part of Mommy guilt is with Alice. She's been not herself for the past week. She has her fussy times of course, but overall she's happy and not overly fussy or whiny. So when she is, not only is it very noticeable, but because I'm not used to it my patience level is much lower than I would like it to be. She's been fussy, clingy, not napping well (when she does at all), and just overall cranky and out of sorts. Teething can sometimes make her this way so I just kept telling myself "This too shall pass." But I got frustrated. And tired. And easily upset. And sometimes had to walk away. And felt crushing guilt. I'm lucky enough to have her. I know what the other end is like. I should be thankful and just suck it up. So what if she screams every time I lay her down to nap? At least she's here to scream. So what if I can't cook dinner without her crying because I can't pick her up for fear of accidentally burning her foot on the stove? At least she's here and just wants my love and snuggles. So what if I'm sore from being her human pacifier when that's the only thing that will work to get her to sleep? At least I have her in my arms, warm and breathing. Of course I know I'm allowed to get frustrated because all parents feel this way at times, but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty. That I'm somehow not fully appreciating the wonderful and beautiful gift that we have in Alice.

So while I haven't been buried in extreme grief thus far this month, I have been feeling the weight of Mommy guilt. And today something changed that (a bit).

After trying to get Alice to nap in her crib (or in my arms) for an hour and a half I gave up and decided to run our errands and hope she'd take a car seat nap. Our last stop was Kroger. Alice was DONE and so was I, but it was going to be a quick stop and then I was just going to drive around until she fell asleep or got upset to the point I knew a car nap wasn't happening. As we were walking in I decided to look at the mums outside. The Brannon Crossing Kroger has some truly beautiful mums out right now. Alice likes plants so I thought it might cheer her up/distract her. We walked through all of them and as we came to the end, a beautiful swallowtail butterfly landed on one of them. Alice pointed to it and I told her it was a pretty butterfly. And then it sat there. And sat there. And sat there. Long enough for me to take several pictures. Long enough for us to crouch down close to it so Alice could see it up close. Long enough to make an impression on me. I felt Madeline in that butterfly. It's a bit weird probably, but it made me stop. Pause. Think. Reflect. And see the beauty. And release some of the guilt. And think about the fact that Alice truly wasn't herself and perhaps instead of plugging along feeling guilty I should see if there was a reason. And there was. Turns out (after a trip to the pediatrician in the afternoon) that she has a double ear infection. But no fever. And really no other symptoms except the fussy, clingy, crankiness that had been going on. I felt like Madeline gave me a nudge.

Isn't it beautiful? 

Tonight after I laid Alice down and I thought about writing this a few other things came to mind that have shown me Madeline is always with me. And maybe might help explain why I'm doing better (than I think I should be doing . . . guilt).

Alice has her favorite stuffed animal, Lamby (can you guess what it is?). She will show some interest in other stuffed animals (mainly to give them hugs), but overall doesn't think too much about them. Then the other day she started snuggling and carrying around a bear. And continued to do so. It wasn't Lamby, but she was showing more interest in this bear than others. That bear came with a flower arrangement a friend sent me on Madeline's first birthday. I've always thought of it as her bear. It's just a light golden brown with a red bow, nothing particularly eye catching or special. It's been sitting on a chair with other stuffed animals for a long time, but she picked that one out.

Alice with her Madeline bear and Lamby

Giving them a hug

The other day a friend called me to tell me something her 3 year old son had said. She had picked him up and once in his car seat he asked her what something in the back seat was. She had a very large copy of "Madeline" next to him. She looked back and told him it was a book for her class. He told her, "No, it's a Heaven book." She asked him what me meant. He said, "It has an angel on it."

We go to several story times at various libraries. At one of them, the librarian has a Madeline doll that she uses as her "baby" to demonstrate movements for songs and rhymes. Alice has never really paid attention to it. Last week she was very interested in her and wanted to hold her. The librarian was very nice and let Alice take her after she was done using her to demonstrate. She held on to Madeline for the rest of story time and playing a bit afterward.

Shaking her egg shaker while holding Madeline

All of this combined made me think. Madeline is reminding me that she's always with me so I can let go of some of that guilt. It's OK. She'll always be a part of me and it's OK for that to be something happy first. These little reminders happen more than I realize and if I allow them in I can release more of the guilt and let in more of the happiness. I love you Madeline. Thanks for reminding me that I can be happy about that. I'm allowed.