I'm going to start by being totally honest. Alice has actually slept through the night in her 16 months of life on the outside. It has happened. Not very often. I could probably count the number of times on all my digits, but it has happened. But let us also remember (or for those of you without kids tell you) that "sleeping through the night" is equivalent to 6 hours of sleep in a row. So yeah. Still not all the sleep needed in a night for a baby/toddler. There have even been a couple magical unicorn nights where she slept for 8 hours and once she slept for 10 hours all in a row. What the what?! Yeah. I didn't know what to do with myself those nights. Oh no wait . . . I spent a good deal of the night waking up worried that she wasn't breathing because sleeping that long is not something she does. My point is, full disclosure, "sleeping through the night" has occurred at our house. It's just rare. Those nights are the white tigers of our sleep world.
It's hard to know where to even begin. From day one she hasn't been the best sleeper. The first couple weeks of her life the only times she really slept well were being held by someone or in her car seat. She hated being flat on her back. We had a cradle that came with our pack and play that wasn't totally flat that she would sleep for a while in at night. But even then her stretches of sleep weren't that long. And naps, well naps could be a whole separate post. Let's just say naps were like the night. She wasn't great at them. We kept thinking, "She'll grow out of it" "It's a growth spurt so she needs to eat more" "Teething! (If all else fails it's teething)" "Gas drops will help" "Once we move her to her crib out of our room it will get better" "She needs to eat more closer to bed" "Once she starts eating cereal or "real food" it will get better" and other various reasons why she couldn't make it past 4 hours at the most. We're at 16 months and we're still wondering.
Going to bed isn't a problem. That part we actually have under control. She takes a bath, brushes her teeth, gets jammies on, we turn on the white noise machine, give her Lamby, read Goodnight Moon, turn the lights out, she nurses, I lay her down while saying her goodnight words, give her her blanket, start her music and then I leave. It's rare for her to not go down initially. On those nights I know we just need to buckle in because it's going to be a loooooooooong night. Our routine works (it was a proccess to get there believe me, but we got there). It's the staying asleep that is the problem. Most times she'll sleep for about 4ish hours and then wake up. After that it can range from only waking up once more before her final wake up to waking up every hour or couple of hours. It just depends. But an average night includes at least 2 wake ups and then her final wake up for the day in the morning (which happens anywhere from 5am to 8am).
We have tried all kinds of things for when she wakes up. We've tried "cry it out." She just continues to cry and scream. She doesn't give in (have I mentioned yet that she is a strong willed child?). It wasn't for us. We've tried going in, laying her back down, talking to her and leaving. Over and over. She just got more and more worked up and angry. We've tried staying in her room holding her and rocking/singing. We've tried walking around our upstairs in a circuit (which was our go to, but lately hasn't been working like it used to). We've tried car rides (which if we're at the end of our rope become our go to because the car always puts her to sleep when she's tired). We've tried snuggling in the family room for a bit or rocking in the rocking chair. And when nothing works (or I know she's hungry) she comes to our room to nurse and often times stays there. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes because we fall asleep. And every night at some point she ends up in bed with us for the rest of the night. She's woken up for good, in her crib, at an hour that is fit for us to be awake and functioning twice in her life.
Adam and I don't mind co-sleeping for the most part. Sometimes I'm tired of constantly being touched. Or used as a pacifier. Or not being able to sleep in the position I want to. He doesn't like being whacked by flailing appendages (he always get it worse than I do). But in general we're OK with it. However, I don't want her to immediately come to our bed the first time she wakes up. I want her to spend as long as possible in her own bed. While we get sleep when she's with us, we all get better sleep when she's not. So I know part of it is our own doing when she's upset and just wants to come to our bed and we're not letting her. But sometimes even co-sleeping doesn't work. Those nights are the worst. When nothing works.
The past month or so it's been worse for some reason. She used to sometimes thrash and push away when she was upset when we got her and held her. But usually before too long she'd calm down. And it didn't happen every time. Lately it happens every time and for a while. Plus she screams. I don't mean "cries loudly." I mean screams. And screams. And screams. We call it her "scream cry." That part is the hardest. Waking up several times a night is one thing. But add the screaming and fighting our comfort into the mix and the frustration level increases and reaches its peak much sooner. Especially if we're going on several nights of the same. Which leads us down a spiral that is hard to get out of. And then the guilt. Oh the guilt. "I can't comfort her, what is wrong with me?" "We did something wrong somewhere along the way and messed up her sleeping habits" "I was short with her and that wasn't good for either of us" "I can't do this" "Does walking away for a bit make me a bad mother? (I know it doesn't deep down, but I still think it sometimes)" "Is something wrong and I can't figure it out?" "I've checked her diaper, checked her temperature, given her gas drops, offered various forms of comfort, why can't I figure out what's wrong?" "I shouldn't be so frustrated, I know it could be worse. We could not have her." And the main question, "Why does she fight sleep so much? She is obviously tired. What is it that is keeping her from giving in?" It's probably a question a lot of us have asked and will never get an answer to.
We get enough sleep to function. I would say my average is around 5 hours a night. Some nights it's much closer to 4 and others it's much closer to 5, or over or under. The problem is that it's not in a row. It's cobbled together over the course of the night. I try to go to bed as early as I can, but we need clean clothes, and dishes, and to be able to walk around our house without tripping on something, and the dogs need attention, and sometimes I have work to do, and sometimes there's a funny smell in the fridge, and sometimes I have projects to do and in general I need some wind down time myself before I can sleep (although I will say I do tend to fall asleep faster these days than I used to, self preservation and whatnot). So while Alice has "slept through the night" in her life, I don't think I have since she's been born.
And don't get me wrong. I love her so very, very much. She's her own person and I love all of who she is, even the parts that are difficult (goodness knows I have more than my fair share myself). I wouldn't change her. I knew sleep deprivation was a part of parenthood. I will continue to get up with her, comfort her, snuggle her, soothe her, sing to her, bring her in with us, walk with her, rock her, read to her and love her. And deep down I'm thankful. I know what the other side is like. I know I could not have her. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate 6 hours of sleep in a row. On a consistent basis.
I am thankful for a husband who is with me in the struggle. For the other mothers and parents who are with me in the struggle. For their own stories they share. For the support they give. For solidarity. For the articles they share telling me not sleeping through the night is a sign of intelligence. For the blog posts written by other sleep deprived parents that find the humor in these nights and make me laugh. For reminding me when I feel guilty, because I don't think I'm being appreciative enough of what a gift I have in Alice, that all parents feel this way sometimes. I'm allowed to feel that way too. You make me sane again. You help me realize I'm not alone and that there is hope that someday she'll be a better sleeper. Thank you for being a part of my tribe.
My name is Amanda Browne, and I have not "slept through the night" since July 31st, 2014. What's your date? Share your tales of the night. We'll get through this together. Bring coffee. Always coffee.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Candlelight Service 2015
Yesterday was the annual Candlelight service given by the support group I attend. It's the third one I have attended and it still doesn't seem any less odd that this is my life. Most days the grief is pretty under control and while I carry it with me it is deeper in my heart, not close to the surface. While I appreciate the service and it does help me in many ways (remembering Madeline, reminding myself I'm not alone, visiting with people I have met and gotten to know through our common loss, seeing the new babies every year and watching them grow), it makes it real in a tangible way every year. Each year it seems to be something different that hits me during the service that just brings everything up to the surface again.
The first year it had been about 5 and a half months since we had lost Madeline. That year I was still fresh in my grief. I was still lost in the thoughts of "How is this my real life?" I also had just found out I was pregnant with Alice. So I was sitting there grieving for Madeline, thinking about the fact that I had her sibling growing inside me, worrying about my current pregnancy, feeling guilty that already my entire focus wasn't on Madeline, wondering if it was too soon, wondering how I was going to make it through the holidays, still at a loss for why this happened to us and so much more. It was a lot. And while it may sound like I just sat there being overwhelmed (and for a bit I did), I left feeling better than when I got there. I allowed myself to feel everything and let some of it out. I was surrounded by people who understood and I felt safe with. She was remembered by everyone who attended and that meant so much. One of my biggest fears/worries is that she'll be lost some day. When those of us who knew her or knew of her are gone, who will remember her?
The second year, last year, I had Alice, my Mom and a close family friend with me. It was important for me to go alone the first year (Adam has to work during the time of the service or he would have come too). I still can't explain why to this day. I just knew I needed to do it on my own. But the next year I was fine with other people coming with me. I know there are others who would get something out of the service too and I want them to have that opportunity. That year I kept thinking about how lucky we were to have Alice and that she was healthy and happy. I spent a lot of time comparing and thinking about what our holidays would look like if Madeline were there too. I thought about how this was now becoming a tradition and that hopefully it will help Alice feel some sort of connection to her sister someday. I thought about how much can change in a year. I thought about how it's possible to be so happy and so sad all at the same time. I thought about how it's possible to love two children and give them your time and emotions at different times even when one isn't with you. I thought about the balance I was trying to find in motherhood to living child and one who has passed away. Mostly I just snuggled Alice (who was still small enough to be OK with that) and cried tears of sadness and joy.
This year my Mom came with Alice and I again. As we went to the service I was feeling OK. I'd had a few "Madeline Days" in the past couple weeks, but was feeling better. I was feeling more like usual in that the grief wasn't close at hand. During the service there is a slide show with all of the names of the babies we are remembering and honoring. Whoever submits the name can also include whatever else they would like. Birth date, stats, quotes, poems, letters, anything really. As the slide show was rolling by, one letter caught my eye and struck me. It started with, "It's hard to believe you would be 11 years old this year!" I read that and the reality of, "This is my life. For the rest of my life. I will always not have her. I will always think about the 'what ifs' the 'should have beens' the 'if you were heres'" came crashing down on me. It's not like I ever think it will go away. But sometimes I either delude myself or get so caught up in the day to day of life that I don't really think about it. This is forever. For the rest of my life I will always be without her. It was powerful. Afterwards we spent time with some friends we've made through support group and it was so good to share these feelings with them. To feel like you're not crazy. To know you're not alone. That we're all still on this journey. All of us have now had children since our losses and it was also nice to share stories of them as well as assuage some of the Mommy guilt. The reminders that every parent gets frustrated and not to get too down on yourself because you know what the other side is like.
While these services are emotional and have moments of making the grief fresh again, they are worth all of it. I always feel more at ease when I leave. I feel closer to Madeline. I feel better that others thought of her too, most that had never met her. I still hope it will be a way for us to help Alice feel a connection to her sister. I leave feeling more filled with hope and love. I leave feeling lighter, some of the weight I had been carrying and didn't even realize (because I didn't let myself deal with it) is gone. Letting myself have that time to let things out, to cry, to feel everything helps. It lets me feel more positive as we move into Christmas. And most of all it reminds me of the love I had and still have for Madeline. And always will.
The first year it had been about 5 and a half months since we had lost Madeline. That year I was still fresh in my grief. I was still lost in the thoughts of "How is this my real life?" I also had just found out I was pregnant with Alice. So I was sitting there grieving for Madeline, thinking about the fact that I had her sibling growing inside me, worrying about my current pregnancy, feeling guilty that already my entire focus wasn't on Madeline, wondering if it was too soon, wondering how I was going to make it through the holidays, still at a loss for why this happened to us and so much more. It was a lot. And while it may sound like I just sat there being overwhelmed (and for a bit I did), I left feeling better than when I got there. I allowed myself to feel everything and let some of it out. I was surrounded by people who understood and I felt safe with. She was remembered by everyone who attended and that meant so much. One of my biggest fears/worries is that she'll be lost some day. When those of us who knew her or knew of her are gone, who will remember her?
The second year, last year, I had Alice, my Mom and a close family friend with me. It was important for me to go alone the first year (Adam has to work during the time of the service or he would have come too). I still can't explain why to this day. I just knew I needed to do it on my own. But the next year I was fine with other people coming with me. I know there are others who would get something out of the service too and I want them to have that opportunity. That year I kept thinking about how lucky we were to have Alice and that she was healthy and happy. I spent a lot of time comparing and thinking about what our holidays would look like if Madeline were there too. I thought about how this was now becoming a tradition and that hopefully it will help Alice feel some sort of connection to her sister someday. I thought about how much can change in a year. I thought about how it's possible to be so happy and so sad all at the same time. I thought about how it's possible to love two children and give them your time and emotions at different times even when one isn't with you. I thought about the balance I was trying to find in motherhood to living child and one who has passed away. Mostly I just snuggled Alice (who was still small enough to be OK with that) and cried tears of sadness and joy.
This year my Mom came with Alice and I again. As we went to the service I was feeling OK. I'd had a few "Madeline Days" in the past couple weeks, but was feeling better. I was feeling more like usual in that the grief wasn't close at hand. During the service there is a slide show with all of the names of the babies we are remembering and honoring. Whoever submits the name can also include whatever else they would like. Birth date, stats, quotes, poems, letters, anything really. As the slide show was rolling by, one letter caught my eye and struck me. It started with, "It's hard to believe you would be 11 years old this year!" I read that and the reality of, "This is my life. For the rest of my life. I will always not have her. I will always think about the 'what ifs' the 'should have beens' the 'if you were heres'" came crashing down on me. It's not like I ever think it will go away. But sometimes I either delude myself or get so caught up in the day to day of life that I don't really think about it. This is forever. For the rest of my life I will always be without her. It was powerful. Afterwards we spent time with some friends we've made through support group and it was so good to share these feelings with them. To feel like you're not crazy. To know you're not alone. That we're all still on this journey. All of us have now had children since our losses and it was also nice to share stories of them as well as assuage some of the Mommy guilt. The reminders that every parent gets frustrated and not to get too down on yourself because you know what the other side is like.
While these services are emotional and have moments of making the grief fresh again, they are worth all of it. I always feel more at ease when I leave. I feel closer to Madeline. I feel better that others thought of her too, most that had never met her. I still hope it will be a way for us to help Alice feel a connection to her sister. I leave feeling more filled with hope and love. I leave feeling lighter, some of the weight I had been carrying and didn't even realize (because I didn't let myself deal with it) is gone. Letting myself have that time to let things out, to cry, to feel everything helps. It lets me feel more positive as we move into Christmas. And most of all it reminds me of the love I had and still have for Madeline. And always will.
Madeline Claire Browne
6/26/13 - 6/26/13
"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." -A.A. Milne
We love and miss you baby girl. Love, Mommy, Daddy and Alice
Thursday, November 12, 2015
My First Experience With To My Face Mommy Judgement
Mommy judgement is a thing. A big thing. A very, very big thing. Sometimes it's internal. Sometimes it's said out loud. Sometimes it's a look. Sometimes it's a backhanded compliment. It happens. I would say we're all guilty of it at some point (we're human after all). But mostly I'm a proponent of, "They're not my kids, so you do you Momma." And in Alice's 15 months of being on the outside I haven't experienced it to my face. I'm sure there has been internal judgement, which is fine. Again, we all do it at some point. Last week, however, the to my face judgement happened.
Alice and I were at the library after story time. She was playing and running around (toddler). There is a children's section that is pretty separate from the rest of the library and within that is an open area to play. Usually when we're there as long as Alice doesn't try to leave the children's section as a whole I just follow her around and let her explore (as long as she's not disturbing anyone). She had been playing with some of their toys and was carrying my keys. She loves keys. In fact, "keys" is among her first 20 words. If she can have your keys she's pretty much content (and will tell you all about her "keys" and that we should "go"). She decided she was done playing and started to wander. I was following her, but not directly behind her. She was getting ready to leave the play area and a grandmother stuck her arm out to stop her and pull her back. That wasn't necessary, but fine. No biggie. I knew she'd just keep going once she was let go. Then she looked at the keys Alice was carrying and said, "Oh! Be careful with those honey! That's dangerous! You could hurt yourself!" And then smiled at me in a slightly patronizing way. Alice tried to pull the keys back from her and she kept talking. "That one is really pointy! Watch out." I just smiled, picked Alice up and said, "She loves her keys!" To which Alice said, "Keys!"
It doesn't really bother me. I more found it awkward, then odd, then funny because it hasn't happened to me before. Afterwards I kept thinking, "Really? You're going to Mommy judge me and that's what you picked? Oh lady, if you only knew." So in the interest of full disclosure, here are 10 things I'm sure would have been better for her to Mommy judge me on (based on frequent Mommy judgey things I've read/seen/heard).
1. At some point during the night, every night, we end up co-sleeping. Lots of days it's the only way Adam and I can cobble together what would be considered an amount of sleep to be able to function. Alice has never been a great sleeper and we do what we can so all of us can sleep at some point. Sometimes it's accidental and sometimes it's purposeful. But it happens every night. And I'm OK with that.
2. I'm still breastfeeding Alice at 15 months. And *gasp* not just before bed. Some days she's not interested during the day and only wants to nurse at night. Some days she nurses several times (and lets me know by either trying to lift my shirt up, pull it down or just put her head in my chest). It just depends. She also nurses sometime during the night a lot of nights. Not always, but it does happen. Sometimes she actually eats and sometimes it's the only way to get her to go back to sleep.
3. Alice has quite a bit of screen time. We FaceTime with my Mom almost every morning for breakfast. She doesn't pay attention the entire time (she is "done" before we are and gets down to be her busy self), but it's a chunk of time. We also frequently watch at least PBS show every day, but it can also be more depending on the day. Sometimes the TV is on in the background for a while. She loves "Monkey George," the word of the day and number of the day songs on Sesame Street, the Thomas the Tank engine theme song and I'm convinced she knows the word "go" because of The Cat in the Hat song. So yeah. Screen time.
4. Alice eats mac and cheese several times a week (often Stouffer's, the frozen cups. Have you guys seen/tried them? Because they are amazing and easy and Alice and I can split one or she has half for one meal and half for another). And by several I mean at least 3 times (and some days she eats half of a frozen cup for lunch and the other half for dinner). Another of her first 20 words? "Cheese." She likes veggies and fruit, but she will ALWAYS eat mac and cheese. So it's my go to when she's not having a very good eating day. Also she's not a big fan of milk, so I have to get the calcium in there in other ways right? Justification!
5. This may be the most damming. On November 4th I accidentally locked Alice in my car. In front of my house. At 6pm. We got home and I did what I do every time we get out of the car. I rolled my window down to open the door from the outside (the handle on the inside is broken and it's not worth it to get it fixed). I opened the door. I rolled the window back up. I turned off the car and put my keys in my purse on the passenger's seat. I shut my door. I walk around the car to open the back passenger's side door. It was locked. I checked the front passenger's side door. It was locked. I checked the driver's door. Locked. Checked the back driver's side for good measure. Locked. What?! The only thing I can figure is that I accidentally hit the lock button on my door as I was getting out of the car. Luckily it was not hot, I had my cell phone and I have good neighbors. The rest of the story is long and maybe I'll write a whole post about it, but in the end the car got unlocked, Alice was fine, I was traumatized and I was thankful for some pretty awesome humans.
6. Alice has fallen out of her crib. We thought it was lowered all the way. It wasn't. She leaned over the edge and out she flipped. I assume. I heard a loud thud and then crying when she was supposed to be napping.
7. She has also fallen down a couple stairs (Did I mention that had happened right before the locked in the car incident? No? Yeah. I won all the awards that day).
8. She gets ALL the vaccines! On the schedule recommended by our pediatrician.
9. She sometimes wears boy clothes. You heard me. My girl will sometimes wear clothes that were meant for boys. Scandalous! Seriously, I've read lots of judgement about this. What?! Also, have you seen the superhero options for toddler girls versus toddler boys? Boys win every time.
10. We'll finish on sleep again (because it's a big thing in our house). We pick Alice up and comfort her when she cries at night. We tried cry it out, but it did not work. She just kept screaming until we couldn't handle it anymore. We tried just talking to her and patting her. That only made her madder, especially once she was mobile. We have tried so many things when it comes to sleep. But usually if she wakes up and we get her, walk her around our upstairs for a bit while singing/comforting her and then lay her back down we're successful. It may happen several times each night. But it's about the only thing besides nursing that works. And judgers will say, "But self soothing! She'll never learn it!" I don't think this is the only time in her life where the opportunity to teach/learn self soothing will happen. And we all need sleep. So we'll keep doing it.
See random Grandmother? There are so many other things you could get judgy about. You picked carrying my keys around. That's just poor judgement on your part. See what I did there? ;)
In the end we all need to do what's best for our own kids and as their parents we know what that is (you know, because we're with them the most). What works for some may not work for others. And guess what? That's fine. That's what makes us all unique and the world interesting. I'm not condoning things that put your children in great danger. If you let your 3 year old play with matches by an open can of gasoline I'm going to judge you. Also, in full disclosure, I have strong feelings when it comes to not vaccinating your child too (but this is meant to be lighthearted so I'm just leaving it at that). But the every day, raising our children decisions and life are our own story. And we're all human. So judge away internet! Or come sit next to me and commiserate in solidarity. Bring coffee.
Alice and I were at the library after story time. She was playing and running around (toddler). There is a children's section that is pretty separate from the rest of the library and within that is an open area to play. Usually when we're there as long as Alice doesn't try to leave the children's section as a whole I just follow her around and let her explore (as long as she's not disturbing anyone). She had been playing with some of their toys and was carrying my keys. She loves keys. In fact, "keys" is among her first 20 words. If she can have your keys she's pretty much content (and will tell you all about her "keys" and that we should "go"). She decided she was done playing and started to wander. I was following her, but not directly behind her. She was getting ready to leave the play area and a grandmother stuck her arm out to stop her and pull her back. That wasn't necessary, but fine. No biggie. I knew she'd just keep going once she was let go. Then she looked at the keys Alice was carrying and said, "Oh! Be careful with those honey! That's dangerous! You could hurt yourself!" And then smiled at me in a slightly patronizing way. Alice tried to pull the keys back from her and she kept talking. "That one is really pointy! Watch out." I just smiled, picked Alice up and said, "She loves her keys!" To which Alice said, "Keys!"
It doesn't really bother me. I more found it awkward, then odd, then funny because it hasn't happened to me before. Afterwards I kept thinking, "Really? You're going to Mommy judge me and that's what you picked? Oh lady, if you only knew." So in the interest of full disclosure, here are 10 things I'm sure would have been better for her to Mommy judge me on (based on frequent Mommy judgey things I've read/seen/heard).
1. At some point during the night, every night, we end up co-sleeping. Lots of days it's the only way Adam and I can cobble together what would be considered an amount of sleep to be able to function. Alice has never been a great sleeper and we do what we can so all of us can sleep at some point. Sometimes it's accidental and sometimes it's purposeful. But it happens every night. And I'm OK with that.
2. I'm still breastfeeding Alice at 15 months. And *gasp* not just before bed. Some days she's not interested during the day and only wants to nurse at night. Some days she nurses several times (and lets me know by either trying to lift my shirt up, pull it down or just put her head in my chest). It just depends. She also nurses sometime during the night a lot of nights. Not always, but it does happen. Sometimes she actually eats and sometimes it's the only way to get her to go back to sleep.
3. Alice has quite a bit of screen time. We FaceTime with my Mom almost every morning for breakfast. She doesn't pay attention the entire time (she is "done" before we are and gets down to be her busy self), but it's a chunk of time. We also frequently watch at least PBS show every day, but it can also be more depending on the day. Sometimes the TV is on in the background for a while. She loves "Monkey George," the word of the day and number of the day songs on Sesame Street, the Thomas the Tank engine theme song and I'm convinced she knows the word "go" because of The Cat in the Hat song. So yeah. Screen time.
4. Alice eats mac and cheese several times a week (often Stouffer's, the frozen cups. Have you guys seen/tried them? Because they are amazing and easy and Alice and I can split one or she has half for one meal and half for another). And by several I mean at least 3 times (and some days she eats half of a frozen cup for lunch and the other half for dinner). Another of her first 20 words? "Cheese." She likes veggies and fruit, but she will ALWAYS eat mac and cheese. So it's my go to when she's not having a very good eating day. Also she's not a big fan of milk, so I have to get the calcium in there in other ways right? Justification!
5. This may be the most damming. On November 4th I accidentally locked Alice in my car. In front of my house. At 6pm. We got home and I did what I do every time we get out of the car. I rolled my window down to open the door from the outside (the handle on the inside is broken and it's not worth it to get it fixed). I opened the door. I rolled the window back up. I turned off the car and put my keys in my purse on the passenger's seat. I shut my door. I walk around the car to open the back passenger's side door. It was locked. I checked the front passenger's side door. It was locked. I checked the driver's door. Locked. Checked the back driver's side for good measure. Locked. What?! The only thing I can figure is that I accidentally hit the lock button on my door as I was getting out of the car. Luckily it was not hot, I had my cell phone and I have good neighbors. The rest of the story is long and maybe I'll write a whole post about it, but in the end the car got unlocked, Alice was fine, I was traumatized and I was thankful for some pretty awesome humans.
6. Alice has fallen out of her crib. We thought it was lowered all the way. It wasn't. She leaned over the edge and out she flipped. I assume. I heard a loud thud and then crying when she was supposed to be napping.
7. She has also fallen down a couple stairs (Did I mention that had happened right before the locked in the car incident? No? Yeah. I won all the awards that day).
8. She gets ALL the vaccines! On the schedule recommended by our pediatrician.
9. She sometimes wears boy clothes. You heard me. My girl will sometimes wear clothes that were meant for boys. Scandalous! Seriously, I've read lots of judgement about this. What?! Also, have you seen the superhero options for toddler girls versus toddler boys? Boys win every time.
10. We'll finish on sleep again (because it's a big thing in our house). We pick Alice up and comfort her when she cries at night. We tried cry it out, but it did not work. She just kept screaming until we couldn't handle it anymore. We tried just talking to her and patting her. That only made her madder, especially once she was mobile. We have tried so many things when it comes to sleep. But usually if she wakes up and we get her, walk her around our upstairs for a bit while singing/comforting her and then lay her back down we're successful. It may happen several times each night. But it's about the only thing besides nursing that works. And judgers will say, "But self soothing! She'll never learn it!" I don't think this is the only time in her life where the opportunity to teach/learn self soothing will happen. And we all need sleep. So we'll keep doing it.
See random Grandmother? There are so many other things you could get judgy about. You picked carrying my keys around. That's just poor judgement on your part. See what I did there? ;)
In the end we all need to do what's best for our own kids and as their parents we know what that is (you know, because we're with them the most). What works for some may not work for others. And guess what? That's fine. That's what makes us all unique and the world interesting. I'm not condoning things that put your children in great danger. If you let your 3 year old play with matches by an open can of gasoline I'm going to judge you. Also, in full disclosure, I have strong feelings when it comes to not vaccinating your child too (but this is meant to be lighthearted so I'm just leaving it at that). But the every day, raising our children decisions and life are our own story. And we're all human. So judge away internet! Or come sit next to me and commiserate in solidarity. Bring coffee.
Friday, October 9, 2015
Always With Me
So Hello. This blog still exists. We're all surprised! I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last published something on here. It's not that I haven't thought of things to write about (I even have written lots of posts, just not completed or published any), it's just finding the time can be hard. But I've found that I miss it, so here I am, trying to start blogging again.
Why today of all the days you might wonder. It's been several little things over the past week or so that culminated today and I needed to write about it.
It's October (in case you were unaware). Which means a lot of things for our family. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, including the specific day on the 15th. The Remembrance Walk at Lexington Cemetery. Madeline's due date (October 26, 2013). The anniversary of when we found out I was pregnant for the first time and then that our baby had no heartbeat at 8w4d. So yeah. It's a lot. I'm always up and down this month with my emotions all over the place. But this year has been a bit different thus far.
I've been having a lot of Mommy guilt lately. It comes with the territory, but wow. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. First, I feel guilty for how OK I seem to be doing thus far this month. Don't get me wrong. I still miss Madeline and think about her so many times a day every day, but I haven't been swinging to the bone deep grief as much this year. I know logically that's a good thing. I'm able to think about her with the love and thankfulness coming first instead of the sorrow. I know it means I'm doing better. I still wish she was here. I still have "Madeline Days" as I call them. But they're not as all consuming as they used to be. And again, I know logically that isn't a bad thing. But try to tell my heart that. I feel guilty for not feeling that bone deep sorrow all the time. I feel guilty for being better and happier. Crazy, I know. I like to think she'd want me to be happier and be able to think about her with the joy she brought us first. But I still feel guilty. I still feel like I'm somehow forgetting her (even though that's not true at all). Emotions and logic do not mix well a lot of the time.
The second part of Mommy guilt is with Alice. She's been not herself for the past week. She has her fussy times of course, but overall she's happy and not overly fussy or whiny. So when she is, not only is it very noticeable, but because I'm not used to it my patience level is much lower than I would like it to be. She's been fussy, clingy, not napping well (when she does at all), and just overall cranky and out of sorts. Teething can sometimes make her this way so I just kept telling myself "This too shall pass." But I got frustrated. And tired. And easily upset. And sometimes had to walk away. And felt crushing guilt. I'm lucky enough to have her. I know what the other end is like. I should be thankful and just suck it up. So what if she screams every time I lay her down to nap? At least she's here to scream. So what if I can't cook dinner without her crying because I can't pick her up for fear of accidentally burning her foot on the stove? At least she's here and just wants my love and snuggles. So what if I'm sore from being her human pacifier when that's the only thing that will work to get her to sleep? At least I have her in my arms, warm and breathing. Of course I know I'm allowed to get frustrated because all parents feel this way at times, but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty. That I'm somehow not fully appreciating the wonderful and beautiful gift that we have in Alice.
So while I haven't been buried in extreme grief thus far this month, I have been feeling the weight of Mommy guilt. And today something changed that (a bit).
After trying to get Alice to nap in her crib (or in my arms) for an hour and a half I gave up and decided to run our errands and hope she'd take a car seat nap. Our last stop was Kroger. Alice was DONE and so was I, but it was going to be a quick stop and then I was just going to drive around until she fell asleep or got upset to the point I knew a car nap wasn't happening. As we were walking in I decided to look at the mums outside. The Brannon Crossing Kroger has some truly beautiful mums out right now. Alice likes plants so I thought it might cheer her up/distract her. We walked through all of them and as we came to the end, a beautiful swallowtail butterfly landed on one of them. Alice pointed to it and I told her it was a pretty butterfly. And then it sat there. And sat there. And sat there. Long enough for me to take several pictures. Long enough for us to crouch down close to it so Alice could see it up close. Long enough to make an impression on me. I felt Madeline in that butterfly. It's a bit weird probably, but it made me stop. Pause. Think. Reflect. And see the beauty. And release some of the guilt. And think about the fact that Alice truly wasn't herself and perhaps instead of plugging along feeling guilty I should see if there was a reason. And there was. Turns out (after a trip to the pediatrician in the afternoon) that she has a double ear infection. But no fever. And really no other symptoms except the fussy, clingy, crankiness that had been going on. I felt like Madeline gave me a nudge.
Tonight after I laid Alice down and I thought about writing this a few other things came to mind that have shown me Madeline is always with me. And maybe might help explain why I'm doing better (than I think I should be doing . . . guilt).
Alice has her favorite stuffed animal, Lamby (can you guess what it is?). She will show some interest in other stuffed animals (mainly to give them hugs), but overall doesn't think too much about them. Then the other day she started snuggling and carrying around a bear. And continued to do so. It wasn't Lamby, but she was showing more interest in this bear than others. That bear came with a flower arrangement a friend sent me on Madeline's first birthday. I've always thought of it as her bear. It's just a light golden brown with a red bow, nothing particularly eye catching or special. It's been sitting on a chair with other stuffed animals for a long time, but she picked that one out.
The other day a friend called me to tell me something her 3 year old son had said. She had picked him up and once in his car seat he asked her what something in the back seat was. She had a very large copy of "Madeline" next to him. She looked back and told him it was a book for her class. He told her, "No, it's a Heaven book." She asked him what me meant. He said, "It has an angel on it."
We go to several story times at various libraries. At one of them, the librarian has a Madeline doll that she uses as her "baby" to demonstrate movements for songs and rhymes. Alice has never really paid attention to it. Last week she was very interested in her and wanted to hold her. The librarian was very nice and let Alice take her after she was done using her to demonstrate. She held on to Madeline for the rest of story time and playing a bit afterward.
All of this combined made me think. Madeline is reminding me that she's always with me so I can let go of some of that guilt. It's OK. She'll always be a part of me and it's OK for that to be something happy first. These little reminders happen more than I realize and if I allow them in I can release more of the guilt and let in more of the happiness. I love you Madeline. Thanks for reminding me that I can be happy about that. I'm allowed.
Why today of all the days you might wonder. It's been several little things over the past week or so that culminated today and I needed to write about it.
It's October (in case you were unaware). Which means a lot of things for our family. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, including the specific day on the 15th. The Remembrance Walk at Lexington Cemetery. Madeline's due date (October 26, 2013). The anniversary of when we found out I was pregnant for the first time and then that our baby had no heartbeat at 8w4d. So yeah. It's a lot. I'm always up and down this month with my emotions all over the place. But this year has been a bit different thus far.
I've been having a lot of Mommy guilt lately. It comes with the territory, but wow. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. First, I feel guilty for how OK I seem to be doing thus far this month. Don't get me wrong. I still miss Madeline and think about her so many times a day every day, but I haven't been swinging to the bone deep grief as much this year. I know logically that's a good thing. I'm able to think about her with the love and thankfulness coming first instead of the sorrow. I know it means I'm doing better. I still wish she was here. I still have "Madeline Days" as I call them. But they're not as all consuming as they used to be. And again, I know logically that isn't a bad thing. But try to tell my heart that. I feel guilty for not feeling that bone deep sorrow all the time. I feel guilty for being better and happier. Crazy, I know. I like to think she'd want me to be happier and be able to think about her with the joy she brought us first. But I still feel guilty. I still feel like I'm somehow forgetting her (even though that's not true at all). Emotions and logic do not mix well a lot of the time.
The second part of Mommy guilt is with Alice. She's been not herself for the past week. She has her fussy times of course, but overall she's happy and not overly fussy or whiny. So when she is, not only is it very noticeable, but because I'm not used to it my patience level is much lower than I would like it to be. She's been fussy, clingy, not napping well (when she does at all), and just overall cranky and out of sorts. Teething can sometimes make her this way so I just kept telling myself "This too shall pass." But I got frustrated. And tired. And easily upset. And sometimes had to walk away. And felt crushing guilt. I'm lucky enough to have her. I know what the other end is like. I should be thankful and just suck it up. So what if she screams every time I lay her down to nap? At least she's here to scream. So what if I can't cook dinner without her crying because I can't pick her up for fear of accidentally burning her foot on the stove? At least she's here and just wants my love and snuggles. So what if I'm sore from being her human pacifier when that's the only thing that will work to get her to sleep? At least I have her in my arms, warm and breathing. Of course I know I'm allowed to get frustrated because all parents feel this way at times, but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty. That I'm somehow not fully appreciating the wonderful and beautiful gift that we have in Alice.
So while I haven't been buried in extreme grief thus far this month, I have been feeling the weight of Mommy guilt. And today something changed that (a bit).
After trying to get Alice to nap in her crib (or in my arms) for an hour and a half I gave up and decided to run our errands and hope she'd take a car seat nap. Our last stop was Kroger. Alice was DONE and so was I, but it was going to be a quick stop and then I was just going to drive around until she fell asleep or got upset to the point I knew a car nap wasn't happening. As we were walking in I decided to look at the mums outside. The Brannon Crossing Kroger has some truly beautiful mums out right now. Alice likes plants so I thought it might cheer her up/distract her. We walked through all of them and as we came to the end, a beautiful swallowtail butterfly landed on one of them. Alice pointed to it and I told her it was a pretty butterfly. And then it sat there. And sat there. And sat there. Long enough for me to take several pictures. Long enough for us to crouch down close to it so Alice could see it up close. Long enough to make an impression on me. I felt Madeline in that butterfly. It's a bit weird probably, but it made me stop. Pause. Think. Reflect. And see the beauty. And release some of the guilt. And think about the fact that Alice truly wasn't herself and perhaps instead of plugging along feeling guilty I should see if there was a reason. And there was. Turns out (after a trip to the pediatrician in the afternoon) that she has a double ear infection. But no fever. And really no other symptoms except the fussy, clingy, crankiness that had been going on. I felt like Madeline gave me a nudge.
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| Isn't it beautiful? |
Alice has her favorite stuffed animal, Lamby (can you guess what it is?). She will show some interest in other stuffed animals (mainly to give them hugs), but overall doesn't think too much about them. Then the other day she started snuggling and carrying around a bear. And continued to do so. It wasn't Lamby, but she was showing more interest in this bear than others. That bear came with a flower arrangement a friend sent me on Madeline's first birthday. I've always thought of it as her bear. It's just a light golden brown with a red bow, nothing particularly eye catching or special. It's been sitting on a chair with other stuffed animals for a long time, but she picked that one out.
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| Alice with her Madeline bear and Lamby |
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| Giving them a hug |
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| Shaking her egg shaker while holding Madeline |
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