Today marks seven months since Madeline was born and passed away. This past month has been difficult for me. I thought I was doing so much better, but I really wasn't. There are other things that have been on my mind as well, but in general I was still not handling things as well as I would like to be. I've been withdrawn again, which I know is not a healthy way to deal with my emotions, but it's the only coping mechanism I felt comfortable using. Sometimes when it gets to be too much I think it's just easier to withdraw from the world. Then I can pretend that even though it keeps moving I'm safe in my bubble (which isn't true of course, but logic doesn't come in). There are still a lot of days I can't believe this is my life.
It's not all doom and gloom. Don't get me wrong. But I've been lying to myself (and everyone) about how well I've been doing. I had resisted going to see someone because I thought I could handle this on my own with my support group, friends and family. But I've come to realize that if I truly want to get back to some semblance of the person I was and want to be I need to. So I'm going to start in February. Hopefully I'll get some better ideas about coping mechanisms besides just withdrawing from the world and pretending it doesn't exist so I don't have to deal. It can't hurt right?
I've been quiet on the blog this month for another reason (beside my bad coping mechanism of withdrawing). At this point I feel relatively safe talking about it so here goes. I'm pregnant. Just into the second trimester as of yesterday. Due August 2nd. It's all still a little surreal to be honest. Deep down I'm happy but I'm nervous and worried mostly at this point. It was quite the surprise for us. I never expected to be pregnant this quickly but here we are. Thus far everything is looking good. Both the baby and I are doing well. My body is thus far cooperating. I've been seeing both my regular OBGYN and the high risk doctor thus far. On Thursday I had a cerclage (the high risk doctor thought I was close enough to the end of the first trimester and things were looking good so she decided to go ahead and do it instead of waiting until the second trimester officially started). The surgery went well and thus far things are looking good and I'm feeling OK. I have a follow up appointment next week to make sure the stitch is holding but based on how I'm doing I don't for see any problems (hopefully).
I've been writing posts abut my feelings and what's been going on with this pregnancy but not posting them. I'll start uploading them next week. It's been a nerve wracking first trimester but thus far everything looks good and I have to keep reminding myself of that. That's another reason I'm going to start seeing someone next month. All of the emotions and worry with this pregnancy on top of still not dealing with losing Madeline like I should is not healthy. Talking to a professional can only help. I'm also going to be getting together with some of the ladies from my support group who are also pregnant now. It'll be nice to have them to talk to as well (since we're all going through the same thing).
So that's a bit of a catch up on what's been going on around here. I'll be posting fairly regularly over the next week or so and have set a goal for myself of writing at least once a week on what's going on. Here's to 2014 and the hopes that it is a much better year.
