Today is 3 months. I still don't really have a true concept of time. You'd think at this point I would believe and understand this is my life . . . but there are still so many times that I don't. Sometimes I still can't really believe that I was pregnant, that I gave birth, that it was too early, that my daughter died. I wonder when I'll really believe it deep down?
This has been a hard month for me. I think I've been dreading next month so much (when Madeline should have been born) that as each day of this month went by it just drug me further and further under. It hasn't been all bad, but it's been hard for me to feel much like myself. I still feel rather numb a lot of the time. So I've been avoiding things . . . like Facebook (haven't been on in a couple weeks), email (checked it when someone told me to), sometimes calls or texts (sorry), and my blog (I've written several posts but haven't been able to bring myself to publish them . . . but I will over the next week).
Recently it's been worse because I can't help thinking about what I should be doing right now, if life went the way I wanted it too. I should be finishing the nursery. I should be washing baby clothes and putting them away and giggling about how the baby inside of me is going to fit/look in these outfits. I should be figuring out how to install the car seat. I should be waddling around and have trouble getting out of the couch. I should be uncomfortable (I'd welcome it) and even more happy about the weather getting cooler. I should be getting bored of my maternity clothes. I should be enjoying (or not enjoying at times) Madeline moving inside me. I should be packing my hospital bag and making sure it has everything I will need as well as what Madeline will need (having picked out her "coming home outfit"). I should be going to more doctor appointments. I should be offering to let others feel Madeline move. I should be listening to Adam talk to our daughter every night before bed (something he'd started doing a few weeks before everything happened). I should be nervous but happy.
Instead I look down at my not pregnant stomach and remember that isn't going to happen. Next month is just another month. It is especially frustrating because I love this time of year. Fall is my favorite season. The weather is cooling down (but it's not bone-chilling yet). There is pumpkin flavored everything all around. I get to start wearing my sweaters and scarves again. All of this leads to the holiday season. But now it's harder for me to get as excited. I'm still taking advantage of pumpkin flavored everything, don't get me wrong, but it just doesn't hold the same thrill for me. I'm not excited about much when this should have been a very exciting time for me.
I know it's still early. I know that it's normal to still feel detached at times. It doesn't make it any easier. How can 3 months feel like a matter of days and an eternity all at the same time? I know I've said that before, but it's still true. I don't know when it won't be. Maybe it always will be. I've also heard that as you get older time goes by faster, maybe that's part of it too. Because while it feels like it's been a long time emotionally, I still look at the calendar in disbelief and think, how is it almost October?! How is this year closer to it's end? This is not what I would have ever imagined my life would be like on September 26, 2013.
